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Confidence / Becoming More Assertive / Lesson 40
LESSON 40 · BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

Your Assertiveness Plan

Thirty-two easy steps to build your own assertiveness plan, so you know what to practise and when.

A plan turns wishes into action. Start small and keep going.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Your assertiveness plan
TIP 1

Your assertiveness plan

A plan turns good intentions into steady habits. This last lesson brings together what you have learned into one page you can keep, review and update. Keep it short, specific and kind.

TRY THIS
Open a page and write “My Assertiveness Plan” at the top.
Photo for the tip: Step 1: Know your style
TIP 2

Step 1: Know your style

Passive, aggressive or mixed?

TRY THIS
Write it.
Photo for the tip: Step 2: Know your rights
TIP 3

Step 2: Know your rights

Pick three you forget.

TRY THIS
Write them.
Photo for the tip: Step 3: Know your triggers
TIP 4

Step 3: Know your triggers

Where do you go quiet or loud?

TRY THIS
List three.
Photo for the tip: Step 4: Pick your focus
TIP 5

Step 4: Pick your focus

One area for 30 days.

TRY THIS
Choose.
Photo for the tip: Step 5: Write your scripts
TIP 6

Step 5: Write your scripts

Three short ones.

TRY THIS
Draft.
Photo for the tip: Step 6: Set your boundaries
TIP 7

Step 6: Set your boundaries

Two clear limits.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Step 7: Choose practice
TIP 8

Step 7: Choose practice

Low-risk first.

TRY THIS
List five.
Photo for the tip: Step 8: Find a buddy
TIP 9

Step 8: Find a buddy

Someone to rehearse with.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Step 9: Schedule reviews
TIP 10

Step 9: Schedule reviews

Weekly, ten minutes.

TRY THIS
Calendar.
Photo for the tip: Step 10: Plan rewards
TIP 11

Step 10: Plan rewards

Celebrate wins.

TRY THIS
Pick.
Photo for the tip: Add your phrases
TIP 12

Add your phrases

Your favourite lines.

TRY THIS
Collect.
Photo for the tip: Add your breathing
TIP 13

Add your breathing

Before tough talks.

TRY THIS
Practise.
Photo for the tip: Add your body cues
TIP 14

Add your body cues

Posture, voice.

TRY THIS
Check.
Photo for the tip: Add your safety plan
TIP 15

Add your safety plan

If things escalate.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Add your support list
TIP 16

Add your support list

Friends, helplines.

TRY THIS
List.
Photo for the tip: Add your why
TIP 17

Add your why

Why this matters.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Make 30-day goals
TIP 18

Make 30-day goals

Small, specific.

TRY THIS
Set.
Photo for the tip: Make a one-year vision
TIP 19

Make a one-year vision

Who do you want to be?

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Make it visible
TIP 20

Make it visible

Pin it up.

TRY THIS
Place it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: week 1
TIP 21

Scene: week 1

Start with one low-risk practice.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: week 2
TIP 22

Scene: week 2

Add one boundary.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: week 3
TIP 23

Scene: week 3

Try a script.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: week 4
TIP 24

Scene: week 4

Review and adjust.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: month 2
TIP 25

Scene: month 2

Try a harder situation.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: month 3
TIP 26

Scene: month 3

Review progress.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: slips
TIP 27

Scene: slips

Restart gently.

TRY THIS
Begin again.
Photo for the tip: Scene: busy times
TIP 28

Scene: busy times

Keep one habit.

TRY THIS
Protect it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: big moments
TIP 29

Scene: big moments

Use your script.

TRY THIS
Breathe.
Photo for the tip: Scene: celebrations
TIP 30

Scene: celebrations

Share your wins.

TRY THIS
Tell a friend.
Photo for the tip: Review monthly
TIP 31

Review monthly

Update.

TRY THIS
Schedule.
Photo for the tip: Review with a friend
TIP 32

Review with a friend

Feedback.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Review with a coach
TIP 33

Review with a coach

If wanted.

TRY THIS
Book.
Photo for the tip: Keep learning
TIP 34

Keep learning

Books and workshops.

TRY THIS
Pick one.
Photo for the tip: Keep practising
TIP 35

Keep practising

Daily.

TRY THIS
Choose a cue.
Photo for the tip: Keep respect
TIP 36

Keep respect

For both sides.

TRY THIS
Remember.
Photo for the tip: Be patient
TIP 37

Be patient

It’s a lifelong skill.

TRY THIS
Keep going.
Photo for the tip: Seek help
TIP 38

Seek help

When needed.

TRY THIS
Reach out.
Photo for the tip: Celebrate
TIP 39

Celebrate

You’ve done the course.

TRY THIS
Mark it.
Photo for the tip: Close with confidence
TIP 40

Close with confidence

Say, “I speak clearly and kindly.”

TRY THIS
Write it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

GOAL

“My goal is to say no kindly.”

STEP

“This week I will say no once.”

SUPPORT

“Will you cheer me on?”

REVIEW

“I will check in on Sunday.”

REWARD

“I will treat myself when I do.”

CLOSE

“I am following my plan.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Choose three goals
DAY 2
Break them into steps
DAY 3
Set weekly actions
DAY 4
Find a supporter
DAY 5
Prepare your lines
DAY 6
Review weekly
DAY 7
Reward progress

Further reading

  • Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
  • Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
  • Playing Big (Tara Mohr)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.

More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Celebrate Each Assertive Win

  1. Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
  2. Why You Struggle to Speak Up
  3. Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
  4. Your Rights in Any Relationship
  5. Where Your Pattern Began
  6. Spot Your Own Passive Habits
  7. The Respect Equation
  8. The Power of a Calm No
  9. Five Kind Ways to Say No
  10. Say No Without Over-Explaining
  11. Buy Time Before You Answer
  12. Say No to Family Gently
  13. Say No at Work Smartly
  14. Handle Guilt After Saying No
  15. Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
  16. Ask for Help Without Shame
  17. Ask for a Raise or Promotion
  18. Ask for a Change in Behaviour
  19. Ask for Space or Time
  20. Follow Up on a Request
  21. Accept a No Gracefully
  22. What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
  23. The Broken-Record Technique
  24. Boundaries With Pushy People
  25. Boundaries With Friends and Family
  26. Boundaries Online
  27. When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
  28. Boundaries With Yourself
  29. The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
  30. Respond to Criticism Calmly
  31. Give Honest Feedback Kindly
  32. Disagree Without a Fight
  33. Handle an Interrupter
  34. Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
  35. Start With Low-Risk Practice
  36. Rehearse With a Friend
  37. Use a Script for Tough Talks
  38. Review Each Conversation Kindly
  39. Celebrate Each Assertive Win
  40. Your Assertiveness Plan
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