Give Honest Feedback Kindly
Thirty-two easy ways to give honest feedback kindly, so people can hear it and use it.
Kind and honest belong together. Say it so it can be heard.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Give honest feedback kindly
Honest feedback helps people grow, but only if they can hear it. Kindness is not about hiding the truth; it is about delivering it with care, specifics and a path forward. A simple model: situation, behaviour, impact.
Write feedback for someone using: “In X situation, you did Y, and the impact was Z.”
Ask permission
“Can I share some feedback?”
Ask.
Choose private places
Not in front of others.
Pick one.
Choose a calm time
Not mid-stress.
Pick one.
Start with care
“I want this to go well.”
Say it.
Describe the situation
When and where.
Be specific.
Describe the behaviour
What you saw.
Use facts.
Describe the impact
What happened as a result.
Share it.
Offer a suggestion
“Next time, could you…?”
Add one.
Ask for their view
“How did it look to you?”
Ask.
Be balanced
Include what works.
Add a positive.
Be timely
Soon after the event.
Act.
Avoid labels
“Lazy”, “rude”.
Describe behaviour.
Avoid sarcasm
Direct is kinder.
Drop it.
Avoid "but"
Use “and”.
Rewrite.
Avoid piling on
One or two points.
Choose.
Avoid guessing motives
Ask instead.
Ask.
Scene: a colleague's presentation
“The charts were clear; slide 5 was too dense. Could you simplify?”
Say it.
Scene: a friend's habit
“When you’re on your phone during dinners, I feel ignored. Could we keep phones away?”
Say it.
Scene: a team member's lateness
“Late arrivals delay us. Could you aim for 9:00?”
Say it.
Scene: a partner's tone
“When your voice rises, I shut down. Could we speak calmer?”
Say it.
Scene: a child's behaviour
“I like how you shared; hitting isn’t okay.”
Say it.
Scene: a neighbour's dog
“Barking at night wakes us. Could we find a solution?”
Say it.
Scene: a manager's style
“Quick check-ins help me. Could we do weekly ones?”
Say it.
Scene: a friend's plan
“I worry about the risk. Have you considered X?”
Say it.
Scene: a roommate's mess
“The kitchen state stresses me. Could we set a rota?”
Say it.
Scene: a client's changes
“Late changes affect cost. Could we agree on a deadline?”
Say it.
Receive reactions
They may be upset.
Stay calm.
Give space
Let them think.
Wait.
Check in later
“How are you feeling about it?”
Ask.
Follow up on change
Notice improvements.
Thank them.
Praise often
Don’t only give criticism.
Appreciate someone today.
Ask for feedback too
Model openness.
Ask.
Know when not to give it
When they’re not ready.
Wait.
Know your motive
Help, not hurt.
Check.
Practise with a friend
Rehearse.
Ask.
Be patient
It’s a skill.
Keep going.
Seek help
Management training.
Consider it.
Celebrate
Honest kindness.
Mark it.
Close with care
Say, “Honest and kind.”
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“Do you have a moment for feedback?”
“I liked how you handled that.”
“I noticed the report was late.”
“It made the team stressed.”
“What would help you next time?”
“Thank you for listening.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Ask permission
Start with something good
Describe the facts
Share the effect
Offer help
Agree a next step
Thank them
Further reading
- Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Playing Big (Tara Mohr)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Respond to Criticism CalmlyNext: Disagree Without a Fight →
- Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
- Why You Struggle to Speak Up
- Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
- Your Rights in Any Relationship
- Where Your Pattern Began
- Spot Your Own Passive Habits
- The Respect Equation
- The Power of a Calm No
- Five Kind Ways to Say No
- Say No Without Over-Explaining
- Buy Time Before You Answer
- Say No to Family Gently
- Say No at Work Smartly
- Handle Guilt After Saying No
- Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
- Ask for Help Without Shame
- Ask for a Raise or Promotion
- Ask for a Change in Behaviour
- Ask for Space or Time
- Follow Up on a Request
- Accept a No Gracefully
- What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
- The Broken-Record Technique
- Boundaries With Pushy People
- Boundaries With Friends and Family
- Boundaries Online
- When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
- Boundaries With Yourself
- The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
- Respond to Criticism Calmly
- Give Honest Feedback Kindly
- Disagree Without a Fight
- Handle an Interrupter
- Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
- Start With Low-Risk Practice
- Rehearse With a Friend
- Use a Script for Tough Talks
- Review Each Conversation Kindly
- Celebrate Each Assertive Win
- Your Assertiveness Plan
