Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
Thirty-two easy ways to see that assertive does not mean rude, so you can be firm and still kind.
Firm and kind can go together. Strong words, soft voice.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Assertive does not mean rude
Assertiveness is calm and respectful. It states your view or need without attacking. Rude people raise their voices; assertive people raise their clarity.
Rewrite one rude sentence as a calm one.
Tone matters
Warm, steady, not harsh.
Practise the tone.
Words matter
Choose neutral wording.
Replace “stupid” with “I disagree”.
Timing matters
Pick a calm moment.
Choose one.
Privacy matters
Discuss sensitive things in private.
Choose a place.
Facts matter
Describe what happened, not what you assume.
List facts.
Feelings matter
Name your feeling simply.
Say “I felt”.
Needs matter
State what you want.
Say “I’d like”.
Listening matters
Let them reply.
Ask a question.
Respect matters
Use their name and a courteous manner.
Be polite.
Thank people
Gratitude supports firm messages.
Say thanks.
Avoid sarcasm
It stings.
Skip it.
Avoid labels
“Lazy”, “selfish”.
Describe behaviour.
Avoid absolutes
“Always” and “never”.
Use “sometimes”.
Avoid threats
They escalate.
Offer options.
Avoid blame
Share impact.
Use “I”.
Avoid apologising for existing
Don’t say sorry for needs.
Say “I need”.
Scene: returning an item
“I’d like a refund, please.”
Say it calmly.
Scene: asking for quiet
“Could you lower the volume?”
Say it.
Scene: asking for space
“I need some time alone.”
Say it.
Scene: asking a friend to be on time
“I felt rushed when you came late. Could we agree on a time?”
Say it.
Scene: declining a favour
“I can’t help this time.”
Say it.
Scene: sharing disagreement
“I see it differently.”
Say it.
Scene: correcting a mistake
“That’s not quite right. Here is the figure.”
Say it.
Scene: requesting a change
“Could we change the meeting time?”
Say it.
Scene: raising a concern
“I’m worried about the deadline.”
Say it.
Scene: expressing hurt
“That comment hurt me.”
Say it.
Assertive vs. aggressive: goal
Assertive wants to be understood; aggressive wants to win.
Check your goal.
Assertive vs. aggressive: voice
Calm versus loud.
Check volume.
Assertive vs. aggressive: body
Open versus threatening.
Check posture.
Assertive vs. aggressive: result
Trust versus fear.
Check outcome.
Assertive vs. passive: honesty
Say what you mean.
Say it.
Assertive vs. passive: resentment
Voice needs early.
Speak early.
Assertive vs. passive: boundaries
Hold them kindly.
Practise.
Anger can be assertive
Say “I’m angry about this” calmly.
Name it.
Take a pause when heated
Return when calm.
Say “Let’s talk later.”
Learn from role models
Notice calm, firm people.
Observe one.
Be patient
Skill needs practice.
Keep going.
Seek help
Coaching helps.
Consider it.
Close with respect
Say, “Firm and kind.”
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I understand, and I disagree.”
“My answer is no, thank you.”
“I respect your view.”
“Here is what I need.”
“Thank you for listening.”
“I appreciate your understanding.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Use a calm tone
Use respectful words
Say what you need
Listen too
Keep eye contact
Stay steady
End kindly
Further reading
- Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Playing Big (Tara Mohr)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Why You Struggle to Speak UpNext: Your Rights in Any Relationship →
- Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
- Why You Struggle to Speak Up
- Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
- Your Rights in Any Relationship
- Where Your Pattern Began
- Spot Your Own Passive Habits
- The Respect Equation
- The Power of a Calm No
- Five Kind Ways to Say No
- Say No Without Over-Explaining
- Buy Time Before You Answer
- Say No to Family Gently
- Say No at Work Smartly
- Handle Guilt After Saying No
- Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
- Ask for Help Without Shame
- Ask for a Raise or Promotion
- Ask for a Change in Behaviour
- Ask for Space or Time
- Follow Up on a Request
- Accept a No Gracefully
- What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
- The Broken-Record Technique
- Boundaries With Pushy People
- Boundaries With Friends and Family
- Boundaries Online
- When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
- Boundaries With Yourself
- The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
- Respond to Criticism Calmly
- Give Honest Feedback Kindly
- Disagree Without a Fight
- Handle an Interrupter
- Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
- Start With Low-Risk Practice
- Rehearse With a Friend
- Use a Script for Tough Talks
- Review Each Conversation Kindly
- Celebrate Each Assertive Win
- Your Assertiveness Plan
