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Confidence / Becoming More Assertive / Lesson 24
LESSON 24 · BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

Boundaries With Pushy People

Thirty-two easy ways to set boundaries with pushy people, calmly and firmly, without losing your cool.

Pushy people test limits. Calm answers end the test.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Boundaries with pushy people
TIP 1

Boundaries with pushy people

Pushy people test limits. They may use charm, guilt, pressure or persistence. Your job is not to win; it is to stay steady, state your boundary and act on it. Pushiness weakens when it stops working.

TRY THIS
Name one pushy person and write your boundary sentence for them.
Photo for the tip: Recognise the tactics
TIP 2

Recognise the tactics

Charm, guilt, urgency, anger.

TRY THIS
List them.
Photo for the tip: Charm: "You're so kind..."
TIP 3

Charm: "You're so kind..."

Stay clear.

TRY THIS
Say “Thank you, and no.”
Photo for the tip: Guilt: "After all I did..."
TIP 4

Guilt: "After all I did..."

Stay calm.

TRY THIS
Say “I appreciate it; no.”
Photo for the tip: Urgency: "Decide now."
TIP 5

Urgency: "Decide now."

Pause.

TRY THIS
Say “I don’t decide under pressure.”
Photo for the tip: Anger: "How dare you."
TIP 6

Anger: "How dare you."

Stay calm.

TRY THIS
Say “I’ll talk when we’re calm.”
Photo for the tip: Flattery: "Only you can..."
TIP 7

Flattery: "Only you can..."

Smile.

TRY THIS
Say “I’m sure you’ll manage.”
Photo for the tip: Persistence: asking again.
TIP 8

Persistence: asking again.

Repeat.

TRY THIS
Broken record.
Photo for the tip: Silence: waiting you out.
TIP 9

Silence: waiting you out.

Wait.

TRY THIS
Don’t fill it.
Photo for the tip: Bargaining: "Just this once."
TIP 10

Bargaining: "Just this once."

Hold.

TRY THIS
Say “Not even once.”
Photo for the tip: Comparison: "Others do it."
TIP 11

Comparison: "Others do it."

Stay.

TRY THIS
Say “I’m not others.”
Photo for the tip: Public pressure: audience.
TIP 12

Public pressure: audience.

Step aside.

TRY THIS
Say “Let’s talk privately.”
Photo for the tip: Set your line early
TIP 13

Set your line early

Say it before pressure starts.

TRY THIS
Prepare.
Photo for the tip: State consequences
TIP 14

State consequences

“If you continue, I’ll leave.”

TRY THIS
Be ready.
Photo for the tip: Keep it short
TIP 15

Keep it short

Less to argue with.

TRY THIS
Trim.
Photo for the tip: Keep it neutral
TIP 16

Keep it neutral

No insults.

TRY THIS
Stay polite.
Photo for the tip: Keep your distance
TIP 17

Keep your distance

Step back physically.

TRY THIS
Move.
Photo for the tip: Keep records
TIP 18

Keep records

For work or housing.

TRY THIS
Write notes.
Photo for the tip: Involve others
TIP 19

Involve others

Manager, friend.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a sales rep
TIP 20

Scene: a sales rep

“I won’t buy today.”

TRY THIS
Say and leave.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a time-share pitch
TIP 21

Scene: a time-share pitch

“No, thank you.”

TRY THIS
Walk away.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an aggressive relative
TIP 22

Scene: an aggressive relative

“If you shout, I’ll end the call.”

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a manipulative friend
TIP 23

Scene: a manipulative friend

“I won’t discuss this.”

TRY THIS
Change topic.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a boss demanding extras
TIP 24

Scene: a boss demanding extras

“I can’t; here’s what I can do.”

TRY THIS
Offer.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a neighbour intruding
TIP 25

Scene: a neighbour intruding

“Please call first.”

TRY THIS
Repeat.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a date pressuring
TIP 26

Scene: a date pressuring

“I’m not ready; stop.”

TRY THIS
Leave if ignored.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a recruiter pushing
TIP 27

Scene: a recruiter pushing

“I’ll decide by Friday.”

TRY THIS
Hold.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a landlord pressuring
TIP 28

Scene: a landlord pressuring

“I’ll reply in writing.”

TRY THIS
Do so.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a group pressuring
TIP 29

Scene: a group pressuring

“I’m out.”

TRY THIS
Leave.
Photo for the tip: Scene: online pressure
TIP 30

Scene: online pressure

Block.

TRY THIS
Block.
Photo for the tip: Scene: phone scams
TIP 31

Scene: phone scams

Hang up.

TRY THIS
Hang up.
Photo for the tip: Scene: charity pushers
TIP 32

Scene: charity pushers

“No, thank you.”

TRY THIS
Walk on.
Photo for the tip: Scene: street hawkers
TIP 33

Scene: street hawkers

Smile and keep walking.

TRY THIS
Continue.
Photo for the tip: Protect your safety
TIP 34

Protect your safety

If threatened, leave and seek help.

TRY THIS
Call.
Photo for the tip: Protect your money
TIP 35

Protect your money

Never pay under pressure.

TRY THIS
Verify.
Photo for the tip: Protect your time
TIP 36

Protect your time

Don’t stay to be polite.

TRY THIS
Leave.
Photo for the tip: Protect your peace
TIP 37

Protect your peace

Limit contact.

TRY THIS
Decide.
Photo for the tip: Be kind to yourself
TIP 38

Be kind to yourself

It’s tiring.

TRY THIS
Rest.
Photo for the tip: Seek help
TIP 39

Seek help

Legal or support services.

TRY THIS
Reach out.
Photo for the tip: Close with steadiness
TIP 40

Close with steadiness

Say, “Steady, not stubborn.”

TRY THIS
Write it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

LIMIT

“I will not decide today.”

REPEAT

“As I said, I will think about it.”

SLOW

“I do not make choices under pressure.”

END

“I am going to end this call now.”

THANK

“Thanks for your time.”

CLOSE

“My answer stands.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Notice the pressure
DAY 2
Slow down
DAY 3
State your limit
DAY 4
Repeat calmly
DAY 5
Do not explain more
DAY 6
End if needed
DAY 7
Review after

Further reading

  • Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
  • Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
  • Playing Big (Tara Mohr)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All Becoming More Assertive lessons
Next lesson: Boundaries With Friends and Family →

More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: The Broken-Record TechniqueNext: Boundaries With Friends and Family →

  1. Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
  2. Why You Struggle to Speak Up
  3. Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
  4. Your Rights in Any Relationship
  5. Where Your Pattern Began
  6. Spot Your Own Passive Habits
  7. The Respect Equation
  8. The Power of a Calm No
  9. Five Kind Ways to Say No
  10. Say No Without Over-Explaining
  11. Buy Time Before You Answer
  12. Say No to Family Gently
  13. Say No at Work Smartly
  14. Handle Guilt After Saying No
  15. Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
  16. Ask for Help Without Shame
  17. Ask for a Raise or Promotion
  18. Ask for a Change in Behaviour
  19. Ask for Space or Time
  20. Follow Up on a Request
  21. Accept a No Gracefully
  22. What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
  23. The Broken-Record Technique
  24. Boundaries With Pushy People
  25. Boundaries With Friends and Family
  26. Boundaries Online
  27. When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
  28. Boundaries With Yourself
  29. The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
  30. Respond to Criticism Calmly
  31. Give Honest Feedback Kindly
  32. Disagree Without a Fight
  33. Handle an Interrupter
  34. Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
  35. Start With Low-Risk Practice
  36. Rehearse With a Friend
  37. Use a Script for Tough Talks
  38. Review Each Conversation Kindly
  39. Celebrate Each Assertive Win
  40. Your Assertiveness Plan
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