Ask for a Change in Behaviour
Thirty-two easy ways to ask for a change in behaviour, so you fix problems without fights.
Describe, do not blame. Ask for a small clear change.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Ask for a change in behaviour
When someone’s behaviour affects you, you can ask for something different. A useful pattern from nonviolent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, has four parts: observation, feeling, need and request. It keeps the talk about facts and needs, not blame.
Fill in: “When ___, I feel ___, because I need ___. Would you be willing to ___?”
Observe without judging
Describe what happened like a camera.
Write facts.
Name your feeling
Simple words: worried, tired, hurt.
Choose one.
Name your need
Rest, respect, clarity, support.
Choose one.
Make a request
Specific and doable.
Write it.
Make it positive
Ask for what you want, not just what to stop.
Rephrase.
Make it present
Something they can do now.
Be concrete.
Choose a calm time
Not mid-fight.
Pick one.
Choose privacy
No audience.
Pick a place.
Open gently
“Can we talk about something?”
Say it.
Own your feelings
“I felt…” not “You made me…”
Use “I”.
Listen to their side
Ask a question.
Wait.
Check understanding
“So you’re saying…”
Reflect.
Agree a step
Who does what by when.
Confirm.
Thank them
For listening.
Say it.
Follow up
Check in later.
Set a date.
Notice the change
Appreciate it.
Say thanks.
Repeat if needed
Kindly.
Remind.
Escalate if needed
Manager or mediator.
Plan.
Accept limits
You can’t force change.
Decide your response.
Scene: partner leaves dishes
“When dishes pile up, I feel tired; I need shared load. Could you do them after dinner?”
Say it.
Scene: colleague interrupts
“When I’m interrupted, I lose my point. Could you let me finish?”
Say it.
Scene: friend is late
“When you arrive late, I feel disrespected. Could you text if delayed?”
Say it.
Scene: teen on phone at dinner
“When phones are out at dinner, I feel disconnected. Could we put them away?”
Say it.
Scene: roommate noise
“When music is loud at night, I can’t sleep. Could you use headphones after 10?”
Say it.
Scene: manager last-minute tasks
“When tasks arrive late, I feel stressed. Could we plan earlier?”
Say it.
Scene: parent comments
“When you comment on my choices, I feel judged. Could we skip that topic?”
Say it.
Scene: neighbour parking
“When the driveway is blocked, I can’t leave. Could you park elsewhere?”
Say it.
Scene: friend cancels
“When plans cancel often, I feel unimportant. Could you tell me earlier?”
Say it.
Scene: team member misses deadlines
“When deadlines slip, our work stalls. Could you flag early?”
Say it.
Avoid mind-reading
Don’t assume motives.
Stay with facts.
Avoid "always/never"
Specific events.
Name one.
Avoid bringing up old issues
One topic.
Focus.
Avoid threats
Request instead.
Rephrase.
Prepare a script
Four lines.
Write.
Practise aloud
Warm tone.
Say it.
Role-play
Friend plays them.
Ask.
Be patient
Change takes time.
Keep going.
Seek help
Couples or family counselling.
Consider it.
Close with respect
Say, “Request, not demand.”
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“When the music is loud late, I cannot sleep.”
“I feel tired and stressed.”
“Could you turn it down after ten?”
“I am happy to help find a way.”
“Thank you for listening.”
“I appreciate your help.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Pick a calm time
Describe the facts
Say how it affects you
Ask for a small change
Listen
Agree on a step
Say thanks
Further reading
- Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Playing Big (Tara Mohr)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
