Disagree Without a Fight
Thirty-two easy ways to disagree without a fight, so your different views make talks richer, not angrier.
You can disagree and stay friends. Be curious, not combative.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Disagree without a fight
You can hold a different view and keep the relationship. Disagreements go well when you separate people from ideas, listen first and look for what you share. Kerry Patterson and colleagues, in Crucial Conversations, describe starting with shared purpose.
Write one sentence of shared goal for a disagreement you have.
Start with common ground
“We both want a good result.”
Find one.
Listen first
Let them finish.
Wait.
Summarise their view
“So you think…”
Say it.
Ask questions
“What makes you say that?”
Ask.
Share your view calmly
“I see it differently.”
Say it.
Use "and" not "but"
“I get your point, and I see it differently.”
Practise.
Use facts
Not exaggeration.
Check.
Use examples
Concrete.
Add one.
Stay on topic
One issue.
Focus.
Avoid personal attacks
Ideas, not people.
Rephrase.
Avoid sarcasm
It escalates.
Drop it.
Avoid interrupting
Wait.
Count.
Avoid winning at all costs
Understanding matters.
Relax.
Take breaks
“Let’s pause.”
Say it.
Agree to differ
It’s allowed.
Say “We see it differently.”
Find a compromise
Middle path.
Propose.
Decide how to decide
Vote, test, ask an expert.
Agree.
Thank them
For the discussion.
Say it.
Scene: politics at the dinner table
“Let’s agree to differ and enjoy dinner.”
Say it.
Scene: a work meeting
“I see a risk here; can we explore it?”
Say it.
Scene: with a partner on money
“We want security; let’s compare options.”
Say it.
Scene: parenting methods
“We both love them; let’s choose a plan.”
Say it.
Scene: with a friend about a film
“We have different tastes. That’s fine.”
Smile.
Scene: with a neighbour about a fence
“Let’s find what works for both.”
Say it.
Scene: with a boss on priorities
“Help me see the priority; I think X matters.”
Say it.
Scene: with a sibling about care
“We both care; let’s share tasks.”
Say it.
Scene: with a customer
“I understand; here’s what I can do.”
Say it.
Scene: online
Disengage if hostile.
Log off.
Keep your voice steady
Calm tone.
Breathe.
Keep your body open
Uncross arms.
Check.
Keep curiosity
“Tell me more.”
Say it.
Keep respect
Always.
Remember.
Know when to stop
If it escalates, leave.
Exit.
Follow up
Reconnect after.
Send a note.
Reflect
What did I learn?
Write.
Be patient
Skills grow.
Keep going.
Seek help
Mediation helps.
Consider it.
Celebrate
You disagreed well.
Mark it.
Close with respect
Say, “Different views, same respect.”
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I agree with this part.”
“I see it a bit differently.”
“Can you tell me more about your view?”
“Here is how I see it.”
“Thank you for talking this through.”
“We can agree to differ.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Listen first
Find common ground
Say you see it differently
Share your view
Ask questions
Stay calm
Agree to differ
Further reading
- Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Playing Big (Tara Mohr)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
