What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
Thirty-two easy examples of what healthy boundaries sound like, so you can use them right away.
A boundary is a kind fence. It protects the bond.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
What healthy boundaries sound like
A boundary is a clear statement of what you will and won’t accept, and what you will do if it’s crossed. Healthy boundaries are calm, specific and about your own actions, not about controlling others. Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book Boundaries is a widely read guide on this idea.
Write one boundary as: “If X happens, I will Y.”
Boundaries are about you
What you do.
Frame it that way.
Boundaries are not walls
They’re doors with locks you control.
Think.
Boundaries are kind
They protect relationships.
Remember.
Boundaries are specific
Time, money, space, topics.
Name one.
Boundaries are calm
No drama.
Breathe.
Boundaries are consistent
Same tomorrow.
Hold.
Boundaries need consequences
Your action if crossed.
Decide.
Boundaries can change
As needs change.
Review.
Types: physical
Personal space, touch.
Define.
Types: emotional
Not absorbing others’ moods.
Define.
Types: money
What you lend or spend.
Define.
Types: digital
Phones, accounts.
Define.
Types: topics
What you’ll discuss.
Define.
Sounds like: "I'm not available after 8."
Time boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I don't discuss my weight."
Topic boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I need a call before you visit."
Space boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I don't lend money."
Money boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I'll leave if shouting continues."
Action boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "Please don't touch my things."
Physical boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I'm not comfortable with that joke."
Emotional boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I'll reply tomorrow."
Digital boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "That's not my responsibility."
Work boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I love you; I can't have you live here."
Family boundary.
Say it.
Sounds like: "I'll talk when you're calm."
Conflict boundary.
Say it.
Sounds unhealthy: threats
“Do this or else.”
Avoid.
Sounds unhealthy: control
“You must stop seeing them.”
Avoid.
Sounds unhealthy: punishment
Silent treatment.
Avoid.
Sounds unhealthy: rigid walls
No flexibility ever.
Soften.
Notice your limits
Resentment signals one.
Observe.
Name the limit
“My limit is…”
Write.
Share it kindly
Warm tone.
Say it.
Follow through
Do what you said.
Act.
Expect pushback
Normal.
Stay calm.
Revisit
Adjust over time.
Review monthly.
Respect others' boundaries
Ask, listen.
Honour them.
Teach children boundaries
Body, feelings.
Model.
Seek help
Therapy supports boundary work.
Consider it.
Celebrate
Each boundary kept.
Mark it.
Close with strength
Say, “Boundaries protect love.”
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I am not available after nine.”
“I need quiet when I work.”
“Please do not call me that.”
“I can talk on Saturday.”
“Thank you for respecting that.”
“This helps us stay close.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Know your limits
Say them kindly
Say them clearly
Say what you will do
Stay calm
Repeat if needed
Thank them
Further reading
- Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Playing Big (Tara Mohr)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Accept a No GracefullyNext: The Broken-Record Technique →
- Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
- Why You Struggle to Speak Up
- Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
- Your Rights in Any Relationship
- Where Your Pattern Began
- Spot Your Own Passive Habits
- The Respect Equation
- The Power of a Calm No
- Five Kind Ways to Say No
- Say No Without Over-Explaining
- Buy Time Before You Answer
- Say No to Family Gently
- Say No at Work Smartly
- Handle Guilt After Saying No
- Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
- Ask for Help Without Shame
- Ask for a Raise or Promotion
- Ask for a Change in Behaviour
- Ask for Space or Time
- Follow Up on a Request
- Accept a No Gracefully
- What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
- The Broken-Record Technique
- Boundaries With Pushy People
- Boundaries With Friends and Family
- Boundaries Online
- When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
- Boundaries With Yourself
- The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
- Respond to Criticism Calmly
- Give Honest Feedback Kindly
- Disagree Without a Fight
- Handle an Interrupter
- Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
- Start With Low-Risk Practice
- Rehearse With a Friend
- Use a Script for Tough Talks
- Review Each Conversation Kindly
- Celebrate Each Assertive Win
- Your Assertiveness Plan
