The Respect Equation
Thirty-two easy ways to use the respect equation, where you respect yourself and others in equal measure.
Respect yourself. Respect them too.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
The respect equation
Assertiveness rests on two sides: respect for yourself and respect for the other person. When both are present, conversations tend to go well. When one is missing, you slide into passive or aggressive.
Draw two lines: “Respect for me” and “Respect for you”. Rate each from 1 to 10 in a recent talk.
Respect for me: name my needs
Know what you want.
Write it.
Respect for me: say it clearly
Use plain words.
Say it.
Respect for me: hold my ground
Calmly.
Repeat kindly.
Respect for me: protect my time
Say no when needed.
Block time.
Respect for me: honour my feelings
They’re valid.
Name them.
Respect for them: listen
Let them finish.
Ask a question.
Respect for them: use polite words
Please and thank you.
Add them.
Respect for them: acknowledge their view
“I hear you.”
Say it.
Respect for them: don't attack
Talk about behaviour.
Use “I”.
Respect for them: allow no
They have rights.
Accept.
Both high = assertive
Win-win.
Aim here.
Low me, high them = passive
Self-sacrifice.
Raise “me”.
High me, low them = aggressive
Domination.
Raise “them”.
Low both = withdrawal
Avoiding.
Re-engage.
Check yourself mid-talk
Ask: “Am I respecting both?”
Pause once.
Check afterwards
Rate both.
Reflect.
Use a sentence
“I respect you, and I need X.”
Practise.
Use another
“I understand, and my answer is no.”
Practise.
Use another
“I see why you want that, and I can’t.”
Practise.
Use another
“I care about you, and this is hard for me.”
Practise.
Scene: a friend asks for money
Respect: “I want to help; I can’t lend.”
Say it.
Scene: a colleague interrupts
Respect: “Let me finish, then I’d love your thoughts.”
Say it.
Scene: a partner is late
Respect: “I know traffic happens; I need a text.”
Say it.
Scene: a relative criticises
Respect: “I know you care; I’d like to decide myself.”
Say it.
Scene: a manager sets a deadline
Respect: “I want to deliver well; I need two more days.”
Say it.
Scene: a neighbour parties
Respect: “I enjoy music; I need quiet after 10.”
Say it.
Scene: a child resists
Respect: “I know you’re upset; bedtime is now.”
Say it.
Scene: a service error
Respect: “I know it’s busy; this isn’t what I ordered.”
Say it.
Scene: a group decides
Respect: “I hear the plan; I prefer another.”
Say it.
Scene: an invitation
Respect: “Thank you; I can’t come.”
Say it.
Notice your default
Which side do you drop?
Observe.
Practise the missing side
If passive, raise “me”. If aggressive, raise “them”.
Choose.
Use kind firmness
Soft voice, firm content.
Try.
Stay curious
Ask about their view.
Ask.
Repair when needed
Apologise if you slip.
Say sorry.
Be patient
Balance takes practice.
Keep going.
Seek help
Communication coaching helps.
Consider it.
Celebrate
Each balanced talk is a win.
Mark it.
Close with balance
Say, “Respect both sides.”
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I respect your view and mine.”
“What do you need, and what do I need?”
“Here is what I need.”
“Tell me what you need.”
“Thanks for hearing me.”
“We both got respect.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Respect yourself
Respect them
Say your need
Hear their need
Look for a middle
Agree on a step
Thank each other
Further reading
- Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Playing Big (Tara Mohr)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
