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Confidence / Becoming More Assertive / Lesson 38
LESSON 38 · BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

Review Each Conversation Kindly

Thirty-two easy ways to review each conversation kindly, so you learn without blaming yourself.

Review with care. Learn and move on.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Review each conversation kindly
TIP 1

Review each conversation kindly

After an assertive moment, a short, kind review helps you learn without self-attack. Ask what went well, what you’d tweak and what you’ll try next time. Reflection like this is a core habit in coaching and in cognitive behavioural therapy.

TRY THIS
After your next important conversation, answer three questions in writing: what went well, what to tweak, what’s next.
Photo for the tip: Review soon after
TIP 2

Review soon after

While fresh.

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Within a day.
Photo for the tip: Review calmly
TIP 3

Review calmly

Not in the heat.

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Wait an hour.
Photo for the tip: Start with wins
TIP 4

Start with wins

Name three things you did well.

TRY THIS
List them.
Photo for the tip: Notice courage
TIP 5

Notice courage

You spoke up.

TRY THIS
Credit it.
Photo for the tip: Notice clarity
TIP 6

Notice clarity

Was it clear?

TRY THIS
Rate.
Photo for the tip: Notice respect
TIP 7

Notice respect

For both sides?

TRY THIS
Rate.
Photo for the tip: Notice outcome
TIP 8

Notice outcome

Did you get a result?

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Note.
Photo for the tip: Notice feelings
TIP 9

Notice feelings

How did you feel after?

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Name them.
Photo for the tip: Pick one tweak
TIP 10

Pick one tweak

Not ten.

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Choose.
Photo for the tip: Plan your next step
TIP 11

Plan your next step

One action.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Avoid harsh judgement
TIP 12

Avoid harsh judgement

No “I blew it”.

TRY THIS
Rephrase.
Photo for the tip: Avoid mind-reading
TIP 13

Avoid mind-reading

You don’t know their thoughts.

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Stick to facts.
Photo for the tip: Avoid endless replay
TIP 14

Avoid endless replay

Ten minutes.

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Set timer.
Photo for the tip: Avoid comparing
TIP 15

Avoid comparing

Only to yourself.

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Compare to last month.
Photo for the tip: Use a template
TIP 16

Use a template

Went well, tweak, next.

TRY THIS
Make one.
Photo for the tip: Use a journal
TIP 17

Use a journal

Keep entries short.

TRY THIS
Start.
Photo for the tip: Use a buddy
TIP 18

Use a buddy

Share a win.

TRY THIS
Tell.
Photo for the tip: Scene: you said no and felt guilty
TIP 19

Scene: you said no and felt guilty

Review: fair, kind, clear. Guilt will pass.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Scene: you froze
TIP 20

Scene: you froze

Review: breathe next time, prepare a phrase.

TRY THIS
Plan.
Photo for the tip: Scene: you got angry
TIP 21

Scene: you got angry

Review: pause earlier, apologise if needed.

TRY THIS
Plan.
Photo for the tip: Scene: you over-explained
TIP 22

Scene: you over-explained

Review: one sentence next time.

TRY THIS
Plan.
Photo for the tip: Scene: you gave in
TIP 23

Scene: you gave in

Review: what pressure worked? Prepare a line.

TRY THIS
Plan.
Photo for the tip: Scene: it went well
TIP 24

Scene: it went well

Review: what helped? Repeat it.

TRY THIS
Note.
Photo for the tip: Scene: it went badly
TIP 25

Scene: it went badly

Review: what can I learn? Try again.

TRY THIS
Note.
Photo for the tip: Scene: mixed results
TIP 26

Scene: mixed results

Review: keep what worked.

TRY THIS
Note.
Photo for the tip: Scene: the other person was upset
TIP 27

Scene: the other person was upset

Review: kind and honest; they have feelings.

TRY THIS
Reflect.
Photo for the tip: Scene: no response yet
TIP 28

Scene: no response yet

Review: follow up.

TRY THIS
Plan.
Photo for the tip: Repair if needed
TIP 29

Repair if needed

A short message.

TRY THIS
Send.
Photo for the tip: Thank people
TIP 30

Thank people

Who listened.

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Celebrate effort
TIP 31

Celebrate effort

Not just results.

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Reward.
Photo for the tip: Track progress monthly
TIP 32

Track progress monthly

Compare.

TRY THIS
Review.
Photo for the tip: Notice growth
TIP 33

Notice growth

Look back.

TRY THIS
Read old entries.
Photo for the tip: Adjust goals
TIP 34

Adjust goals

As you grow.

TRY THIS
Update.
Photo for the tip: Be kind
TIP 35

Be kind

Learning curve.

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Smile.
Photo for the tip: Be patient
TIP 36

Be patient

Skills grow.

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Keep going.
Photo for the tip: Seek help
TIP 37

Seek help

Coaching helps.

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Consider it.
Photo for the tip: Share your lessons
TIP 38

Share your lessons

Teach others.

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Tell a friend.
Photo for the tip: Celebrate
TIP 39

Celebrate

Review is progress.

TRY THIS
Mark it.
Photo for the tip: Close with kindness
TIP 40

Close with kindness

Say, “I learn, I grow, I’m kind to myself.”

TRY THIS
Write it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

REVIEW

“What went well in that talk?”

LEARN

“What would I change?”

PRAISE

“I was brave to speak up.”

PLAN

“Next time I will try this.”

THANK

“Thanks for listening to me.”

CLOSE

“I am proud of the effort.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Take a short break
DAY 2
Ask what went well
DAY 3
Ask what to change
DAY 4
Praise one thing
DAY 5
Pick one lesson
DAY 6
Write it down
DAY 7
Plan next time

Further reading

  • Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
  • Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
  • Playing Big (Tara Mohr)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All Becoming More Assertive lessons
Next lesson: Celebrate Each Assertive Win →

More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Use a Script for Tough TalksNext: Celebrate Each Assertive Win →

  1. Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
  2. Why You Struggle to Speak Up
  3. Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
  4. Your Rights in Any Relationship
  5. Where Your Pattern Began
  6. Spot Your Own Passive Habits
  7. The Respect Equation
  8. The Power of a Calm No
  9. Five Kind Ways to Say No
  10. Say No Without Over-Explaining
  11. Buy Time Before You Answer
  12. Say No to Family Gently
  13. Say No at Work Smartly
  14. Handle Guilt After Saying No
  15. Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
  16. Ask for Help Without Shame
  17. Ask for a Raise or Promotion
  18. Ask for a Change in Behaviour
  19. Ask for Space or Time
  20. Follow Up on a Request
  21. Accept a No Gracefully
  22. What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
  23. The Broken-Record Technique
  24. Boundaries With Pushy People
  25. Boundaries With Friends and Family
  26. Boundaries Online
  27. When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
  28. Boundaries With Yourself
  29. The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
  30. Respond to Criticism Calmly
  31. Give Honest Feedback Kindly
  32. Disagree Without a Fight
  33. Handle an Interrupter
  34. Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
  35. Start With Low-Risk Practice
  36. Rehearse With a Friend
  37. Use a Script for Tough Talks
  38. Review Each Conversation Kindly
  39. Celebrate Each Assertive Win
  40. Your Assertiveness Plan
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