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Confidence / Becoming More Assertive / Lesson 34
LESSON 34 · BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry

Thirty-two easy ways to stay calm when someone gets angry, so you protect yourself and cool the room.

Anger is loud, calm is stronger. Be the steady one.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Stay calm when someone gets angry
TIP 1

Stay calm when someone gets angry

Anger in another person can make your heart race and your mind go blank. You can stay steady by slowing your breath, lowering your voice and keeping safety first. Anger usually rises and falls within minutes when it is not fed.

TRY THIS
Practise saying slowly: “I want to understand. Let’s lower our voices.”
Photo for the tip: Safety first
TIP 2

Safety first

If you feel unsafe, leave and get help.

TRY THIS
Know exits.
Photo for the tip: Breathe out slowly
TIP 3

Breathe out slowly

Calms your body.

TRY THIS
Exhale.
Photo for the tip: Drop your shoulders
TIP 4

Drop your shoulders

Relax.

TRY THIS
Release.
Photo for the tip: Keep your voice low
TIP 5

Keep your voice low

It tends to lower theirs.

TRY THIS
Practise.
Photo for the tip: Keep your posture open
TIP 6

Keep your posture open

Hands visible.

TRY THIS
Check.
Photo for the tip: Keep distance
TIP 7

Keep distance

Give space.

TRY THIS
Step back.
Photo for the tip: Don't match their volume
TIP 8

Don't match their volume

Stay lower.

TRY THIS
Hold.
Photo for the tip: Name their feeling
TIP 9

Name their feeling

“You sound really upset.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Say you want to understand
TIP 10

Say you want to understand

“Tell me what happened.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Acknowledge what's true
TIP 11

Acknowledge what's true

“I see why that frustrated you.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Apologise if you erred
TIP 12

Apologise if you erred

Briefly.

TRY THIS
Say sorry.
Photo for the tip: Don't apologise if not
TIP 13

Don't apologise if not

Stay neutral.

TRY THIS
Say “I hear you.”
Photo for the tip: Set a limit
TIP 14

Set a limit

“I’ll listen when we’re calmer.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Offer a break
TIP 15

Offer a break

“Let’s take ten minutes.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Leave if needed
TIP 16

Leave if needed

“I’m going; we’ll talk later.”

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Come back
TIP 17

Come back

Keep your word.

TRY THIS
Return.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry customer
TIP 18

Scene: an angry customer

Listen, empathise, offer a step.

TRY THIS
Practise.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry boss
TIP 19

Scene: an angry boss

Stay calm; ask for specifics later.

TRY THIS
Breathe.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry partner
TIP 20

Scene: an angry partner

Pause the talk, return calmly.

TRY THIS
Say “Let’s pause.”
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry parent
TIP 21

Scene: an angry parent

Respect, set limits.

TRY THIS
Stay calm.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry teen
TIP 22

Scene: an angry teen

Don’t escalate; listen.

TRY THIS
Hold.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry neighbour
TIP 23

Scene: an angry neighbour

Stay polite and in a public place.

TRY THIS
Be safe.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry driver
TIP 24

Scene: an angry driver

Don’t engage.

TRY THIS
Drive on.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry friend
TIP 25

Scene: an angry friend

Listen; follow up.

TRY THIS
Be kind.
Photo for the tip: Scene: an angry stranger
TIP 26

Scene: an angry stranger

Walk away.

TRY THIS
Exit.
Photo for the tip: Scene: anger on a call
TIP 27

Scene: anger on a call

“I’ll call back when calm.”

TRY THIS
Hang up.
Photo for the tip: Scene: anger in writing
TIP 28

Scene: anger in writing

Don’t reply at once.

TRY THIS
Wait.
Photo for the tip: Scene: anger in a group
TIP 29

Scene: anger in a group

Suggest a break.

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: your own rising anger
TIP 30

Scene: your own rising anger

Pause and breathe.

TRY THIS
Leave.
Photo for the tip: Don't take it personally
TIP 31

Don't take it personally

Anger is often about them.

TRY THIS
Remind yourself.
Photo for the tip: Don't rescue
TIP 32

Don't rescue

You’re not responsible for their feelings.

TRY THIS
Stay steady.
Photo for the tip: Don't freeze
TIP 33

Don't freeze

Plant your feet.

TRY THIS
Feel the floor.
Photo for the tip: Use a calm phrase
TIP 34

Use a calm phrase

“I want to solve this.”

TRY THIS
Practise.
Photo for the tip: Use humour carefully
TIP 35

Use humour carefully

Rarely.

TRY THIS
Avoid.
Photo for the tip: Use a witness
TIP 36

Use a witness

If needed.

TRY THIS
Call someone.
Photo for the tip: Know your limits
TIP 37

Know your limits

Abuse isn’t acceptable.

TRY THIS
Seek help.
Photo for the tip: Be patient
TIP 38

Be patient

Practise.

TRY THIS
Keep going.
Photo for the tip: Seek help
TIP 39

Seek help

Support services.

TRY THIS
Reach out.
Photo for the tip: Close with steadiness
TIP 40

Close with steadiness

Say, “Calm is contagious.”

TRY THIS
Write it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

CALM

“I can see you are upset.”

LISTEN

“Tell me what is wrong.”

SPACE

“Let us take a short break.”

LIMIT

“I will talk when we are both calm.”

THANK

“Thank you for stopping.”

CLOSE

“Let us try again soon.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Breathe
DAY 2
Lower your voice
DAY 3
Listen
DAY 4
Name the feeling
DAY 5
Take a break
DAY 6
Return when calm
DAY 7
Stay safe

Further reading

  • Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
  • Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
  • Playing Big (Tara Mohr)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.

More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Handle an InterrupterNext: Start With Low-Risk Practice →

  1. Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
  2. Why You Struggle to Speak Up
  3. Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
  4. Your Rights in Any Relationship
  5. Where Your Pattern Began
  6. Spot Your Own Passive Habits
  7. The Respect Equation
  8. The Power of a Calm No
  9. Five Kind Ways to Say No
  10. Say No Without Over-Explaining
  11. Buy Time Before You Answer
  12. Say No to Family Gently
  13. Say No at Work Smartly
  14. Handle Guilt After Saying No
  15. Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
  16. Ask for Help Without Shame
  17. Ask for a Raise or Promotion
  18. Ask for a Change in Behaviour
  19. Ask for Space or Time
  20. Follow Up on a Request
  21. Accept a No Gracefully
  22. What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
  23. The Broken-Record Technique
  24. Boundaries With Pushy People
  25. Boundaries With Friends and Family
  26. Boundaries Online
  27. When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
  28. Boundaries With Yourself
  29. The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
  30. Respond to Criticism Calmly
  31. Give Honest Feedback Kindly
  32. Disagree Without a Fight
  33. Handle an Interrupter
  34. Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
  35. Start With Low-Risk Practice
  36. Rehearse With a Friend
  37. Use a Script for Tough Talks
  38. Review Each Conversation Kindly
  39. Celebrate Each Assertive Win
  40. Your Assertiveness Plan
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