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Confidence / Becoming More Assertive / Lesson 21
LESSON 21 · BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

Accept a No Gracefully

Thirty-two easy ways to accept a no gracefully, so a refused request never costs you your calm or your friends.

A no is an answer, not an attack. Take it with grace.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Accept a no gracefully
TIP 1

Accept a no gracefully

Assertiveness is two-way: you ask clearly and you accept a clear no. Taking a no with grace keeps relationships strong and makes people feel safe saying yes to you in future.

TRY THIS
Practise saying “Okay, thanks for telling me” after a no.
Photo for the tip: Pause before reacting
TIP 2

Pause before reacting

Breathe.

TRY THIS
Count to three.
Photo for the tip: Say thank you
TIP 3

Say thank you

For their honesty.

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Don't argue
TIP 4

Don't argue

Respect the answer.

TRY THIS
Stay quiet.
Photo for the tip: Don't sulk
TIP 5

Don't sulk

Avoid the cold shoulder.

TRY THIS
Be warm.
Photo for the tip: Don't guilt-trip
TIP 6

Don't guilt-trip

“After all I’ve done…”

TRY THIS
Drop it.
Photo for the tip: Don't ask again at once
TIP 7

Don't ask again at once

Give time.

TRY THIS
Wait.
Photo for the tip: Ask a respectful question
TIP 8

Ask a respectful question

“Is there a better time?”

TRY THIS
Ask once.
Photo for the tip: Ask what would change it
TIP 9

Ask what would change it

Only if open.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Take it as information
TIP 10

Take it as information

Not rejection of you.

TRY THIS
Reframe.
Photo for the tip: Feel your feelings
TIP 11

Feel your feelings

Disappointment is normal.

TRY THIS
Allow it.
Photo for the tip: Plan B
TIP 12

Plan B

Have alternatives.

TRY THIS
List.
Photo for the tip: Learn from it
TIP 13

Learn from it

Adjust your ask.

TRY THIS
Note.
Photo for the tip: Keep the relationship
TIP 14

Keep the relationship

Stay friendly.

TRY THIS
Smile.
Photo for the tip: Respect boundaries
TIP 15

Respect boundaries

Even small ones.

TRY THIS
Honour.
Photo for the tip: Model it for children
TIP 16

Model it for children

Show how.

TRY THIS
Demonstrate.
Photo for the tip: Notice your face
TIP 17

Notice your face

Relaxed.

TRY THIS
Soften.
Photo for the tip: Notice your body
TIP 18

Notice your body

Breathe.

TRY THIS
Exhale.
Photo for the tip: Practise with small noes
TIP 19

Practise with small noes

Waiters, shops.

TRY THIS
Try.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a friend declines
TIP 20

Scene: a friend declines

“No problem, another time.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: your boss declines
TIP 21

Scene: your boss declines

“Thanks; I’ll rework it.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: your child says no
TIP 22

Scene: your child says no

Listen; choose when to hold.

TRY THIS
Respond.
Photo for the tip: Scene: your partner declines
TIP 23

Scene: your partner declines

Ask what they need.

TRY THIS
Listen.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a shop declines a return
TIP 24

Scene: a shop declines a return

“Okay, thank you.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a date declines
TIP 25

Scene: a date declines

“Thanks for telling me.”

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a bank declines
TIP 26

Scene: a bank declines

Ask for the reason, plan next.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a neighbour declines
TIP 27

Scene: a neighbour declines

Respect it.

TRY THIS
Thank.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a colleague declines
TIP 28

Scene: a colleague declines

Ask someone else.

TRY THIS
Move on.
Photo for the tip: Scene: a committee declines
TIP 29

Scene: a committee declines

Request feedback.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Respect repeated noes
TIP 30

Respect repeated noes

Stop asking.

TRY THIS
Let go.
Photo for the tip: Respect silence
TIP 31

Respect silence

It may mean no.

TRY THIS
Don’t push.
Photo for the tip: Respect "maybe"
TIP 32

Respect "maybe"

Give space.

TRY THIS
Follow up once.
Photo for the tip: Respect culture
TIP 33

Respect culture

Noes vary.

TRY THIS
Learn.
Photo for the tip: Respect power gaps
TIP 34

Respect power gaps

Be careful.

TRY THIS
Be kind.
Photo for the tip: Reflect
TIP 35

Reflect

How did I do?

TRY THIS
Review.
Photo for the tip: Be patient
TIP 36

Be patient

It’s hard.

TRY THIS
Keep going.
Photo for the tip: Seek help
TIP 37

Seek help

If rejection hits hard, talk to someone.

TRY THIS
Reach out.
Photo for the tip: Celebrate
TIP 38

Celebrate

Gracious acceptance.

TRY THIS
Mark it.
Photo for the tip: Close with grace
TIP 39

Close with grace

Say, “A no is allowed.”

TRY THIS
Write it.
Photo for the tip: Remember reciprocity
TIP 40

Remember reciprocity

You want your no respected too.

TRY THIS
Think.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

ACCEPT

“Thank you for letting me know.”

UNDERSTAND

“I understand, and it is fine.”

ASK

“Could I ask again in future?”

RESPECT

“I respect your decision.”

THANK

“Thank you for your time.”

CLOSE

“No hard feelings at all.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Breathe
DAY 2
Say thanks
DAY 3
Do not argue
DAY 4
Ask if there is another way
DAY 5
Accept the answer
DAY 6
Move on
DAY 7
Keep kindness

Further reading

  • Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
  • Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
  • Playing Big (Tara Mohr)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All Becoming More Assertive lessons
Next lesson: What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like →

More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Follow Up on a RequestNext: What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like →

  1. Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
  2. Why You Struggle to Speak Up
  3. Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
  4. Your Rights in Any Relationship
  5. Where Your Pattern Began
  6. Spot Your Own Passive Habits
  7. The Respect Equation
  8. The Power of a Calm No
  9. Five Kind Ways to Say No
  10. Say No Without Over-Explaining
  11. Buy Time Before You Answer
  12. Say No to Family Gently
  13. Say No at Work Smartly
  14. Handle Guilt After Saying No
  15. Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
  16. Ask for Help Without Shame
  17. Ask for a Raise or Promotion
  18. Ask for a Change in Behaviour
  19. Ask for Space or Time
  20. Follow Up on a Request
  21. Accept a No Gracefully
  22. What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
  23. The Broken-Record Technique
  24. Boundaries With Pushy People
  25. Boundaries With Friends and Family
  26. Boundaries Online
  27. When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
  28. Boundaries With Yourself
  29. The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
  30. Respond to Criticism Calmly
  31. Give Honest Feedback Kindly
  32. Disagree Without a Fight
  33. Handle an Interrupter
  34. Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
  35. Start With Low-Risk Practice
  36. Rehearse With a Friend
  37. Use a Script for Tough Talks
  38. Review Each Conversation Kindly
  39. Celebrate Each Assertive Win
  40. Your Assertiveness Plan
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