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Confidence / Becoming More Assertive / Lesson 06
LESSON 06 · BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

Spot Your Own Passive Habits

Thirty-two easy ways to spot your own passive habits, the small ways you give away your voice.

Small habits add up. Notice them gently.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Playing Big (Tara Mohr), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Spot your own passive habits
TIP 1

Spot your own passive habits

Passive habits are quiet and often invisible. Learning to spot them is the first step toward changing them. Common signs include saying “I don’t mind” when you do, agreeing to avoid tension and apologising for taking space.

TRY THIS
Tick which of the habits in this lesson you recognise.
Photo for the tip: "I don't mind"
TIP 2

"I don't mind"

When you do mind.

TRY THIS
Say what you prefer.
Photo for the tip: "Whatever you want"
TIP 3

"Whatever you want"

Gives away your voice.

TRY THIS
Offer an option.
Photo for the tip: "Sorry" as a filler
TIP 4

"Sorry" as a filler

Replace with “excuse me” or “thanks”.

TRY THIS
Swap one.
Photo for the tip: "Just" and "maybe"
TIP 5

"Just" and "maybe"

“I just wondered if maybe…” weakens requests.

TRY THIS
Remove them.
Photo for the tip: Hinting
TIP 6

Hinting

Hoping people guess.

TRY THIS
Ask directly.
Photo for the tip: Nodding while disagreeing
TIP 7

Nodding while disagreeing

Your face says yes.

TRY THIS
Say “I see it differently”.
Photo for the tip: Laughing off hurt
TIP 8

Laughing off hurt

Laughter hides pain.

TRY THIS
Name it.
Photo for the tip: Over-explaining
TIP 9

Over-explaining

Piles of reasons.

TRY THIS
One reason.
Photo for the tip: Over-apologising
TIP 10

Over-apologising

For things not your fault.

TRY THIS
Check.
Photo for the tip: Taking on extra work
TIP 11

Taking on extra work

Always the one who stays late.

TRY THIS
Share tasks.
Photo for the tip: Doing others' jobs
TIP 12

Doing others' jobs

Because it’s faster.

TRY THIS
Teach and delegate.
Photo for the tip: Never asking for credit
TIP 13

Never asking for credit

Others may not know.

TRY THIS
Share your wins.
Photo for the tip: Not voicing opinions
TIP 14

Not voicing opinions

Silent in meetings.

TRY THIS
Speak early.
Photo for the tip: Changing your view to match
TIP 15

Changing your view to match

Following the loudest.

TRY THIS
Pause and decide.
Photo for the tip: Avoiding eye contact
TIP 16

Avoiding eye contact

Looking away when asking.

TRY THIS
Soft eye contact.
Photo for the tip: Speaking quietly
TIP 17

Speaking quietly

Voice trails off.

TRY THIS
Project gently.
Photo for the tip: Fidgeting
TIP 18

Fidgeting

Nervous movement.

TRY THIS
Ground.
Photo for the tip: Cancelling your own plans
TIP 19

Cancelling your own plans

To suit others.

TRY THIS
Protect one.
Photo for the tip: Resentment later
TIP 20

Resentment later

Complaining behind backs.

TRY THIS
Speak directly.
Photo for the tip: Scene: group lunch
TIP 21

Scene: group lunch

You say “anywhere is fine”. Name a place.

TRY THIS
Say one.
Photo for the tip: Scene: group chat
TIP 22

Scene: group chat

You agree to plans you dislike. Suggest an alternative.

TRY THIS
Offer one.
Photo for the tip: Scene: shopping
TIP 23

Scene: shopping

You accept a poor service. Ask for a fix.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Scene: at the doctor
TIP 24

Scene: at the doctor

You nod without understanding. Ask a question.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Scene: at work
TIP 25

Scene: at work

You volunteer for extra tasks. Check workload first.

TRY THIS
Say “Let me check”.
Photo for the tip: Scene: at home
TIP 26

Scene: at home

You do all the chores. Share the list.

TRY THIS
Talk.
Photo for the tip: Scene: with a friend
TIP 27

Scene: with a friend

You always travel to them. Suggest meeting halfway.

TRY THIS
Propose.
Photo for the tip: Scene: with a partner
TIP 28

Scene: with a partner

You hide preferences. State one daily.

TRY THIS
Try.
Photo for the tip: Scene: with children
TIP 29

Scene: with children

You give in to tantrums. Set kind limits.

TRY THIS
Hold gently.
Photo for the tip: Scene: online
TIP 30

Scene: online

You avoid disagreeing. Share a polite view.

TRY THIS
Post one.
Photo for the tip: Keep a passive log
TIP 31

Keep a passive log

Note moments you stayed silent.

TRY THIS
Start a list.
Photo for the tip: Pick one habit
TIP 32

Pick one habit

Work on one at a time.

TRY THIS
Choose it.
Photo for the tip: Plan a replacement
TIP 33

Plan a replacement

What will you do instead?

TRY THIS
Write it.
Photo for the tip: Practise tiny
TIP 34

Practise tiny

Small moments first.

TRY THIS
Try.
Photo for the tip: Track wins
TIP 35

Track wins

Count assertive moments.

TRY THIS
Tally.
Photo for the tip: Ask for feedback
TIP 36

Ask for feedback

A friend can notice.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Be gentle
TIP 37

Be gentle

No shame.

TRY THIS
Smile.
Photo for the tip: Be patient
TIP 38

Be patient

Habits shift slowly.

TRY THIS
Keep going.
Photo for the tip: Seek help
TIP 39

Seek help

If anxiety blocks you, get support.

TRY THIS
Reach out.
Photo for the tip: Close with awareness
TIP 40

Close with awareness

Say, “I notice, and I can choose.”

TRY THIS
Write it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

NOTICE

“I just said it is fine, but it is not.”

FIX

“Let me say what I really think.”

ASK

“Could I change my answer?”

OWN

“I want to be honest with you.”

THANK

“Thanks for letting me correct that.”

CLOSE

“I am learning to speak up.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Listen to your words
DAY 2
Notice your body
DAY 3
Track one day
DAY 4
Pick one habit
DAY 5
Replace it
DAY 6
Praise yourself
DAY 7
Repeat

Further reading

  • Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson and others)
  • Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
  • Playing Big (Tara Mohr)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All Becoming More Assertive lessons
Next lesson: The Respect Equation →

More lessons in “Becoming More Assertive”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Where Your Pattern BeganNext: The Respect Equation →

  1. Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
  2. Why You Struggle to Speak Up
  3. Assertive Does Not Mean Rude
  4. Your Rights in Any Relationship
  5. Where Your Pattern Began
  6. Spot Your Own Passive Habits
  7. The Respect Equation
  8. The Power of a Calm No
  9. Five Kind Ways to Say No
  10. Say No Without Over-Explaining
  11. Buy Time Before You Answer
  12. Say No to Family Gently
  13. Say No at Work Smartly
  14. Handle Guilt After Saying No
  15. Make a Clear Request in One Sentence
  16. Ask for Help Without Shame
  17. Ask for a Raise or Promotion
  18. Ask for a Change in Behaviour
  19. Ask for Space or Time
  20. Follow Up on a Request
  21. Accept a No Gracefully
  22. What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
  23. The Broken-Record Technique
  24. Boundaries With Pushy People
  25. Boundaries With Friends and Family
  26. Boundaries Online
  27. When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
  28. Boundaries With Yourself
  29. The "I Feel, I Need" Sentence
  30. Respond to Criticism Calmly
  31. Give Honest Feedback Kindly
  32. Disagree Without a Fight
  33. Handle an Interrupter
  34. Stay Calm When Someone Gets Angry
  35. Start With Low-Risk Practice
  36. Rehearse With a Friend
  37. Use a Script for Tough Talks
  38. Review Each Conversation Kindly
  39. Celebrate Each Assertive Win
  40. Your Assertiveness Plan
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