Approach Online First
Ten ways to approach someone online first, then bring it into the real world safely.
Online can be a warm-up. It is also a place to stay careful.
25 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Like Switch (Jack Schafer), The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Online is a warm-up, not a destination
Messages let you break the ice at your own pace, but real friendships need real-world contact eventually. Plan to move offline safely.
Treat online as a first step.
Join interest groups
Shared topics give you something to talk about immediately. Choose groups with active, kind members.
Pick one group today.
Comment kindly
A thoughtful comment on a post starts a link. Be specific, warm and sincere.
Write one comment.
Send a friendly message
Hi, I loved your post about hiking, have you tried that trail? It is easy, warm and invites a reply.
Send one today.
Take your time
Chat for a few weeks before meeting. Trust grows with patience.
Be patient.
Script: the first message
Hi, I saw your post and it made me smile. Light and friendly, it needs no reply but welcomes one.
Use it.
Script: suggesting a group meet-up
Would you like to come to the group walk on Saturday? Safe and easy, since others will be there.
Suggest one.
Script: staying safe
Let us meet in a public place, and I will bring a friend. Sensible and nobody should object.
Say it.
Script: thanking someone
Thanks for the chat, it was lovely. Warm and clear.
Say it.
Mistake: oversharing early
Keep personal details private at first. Protect your privacy until trust is earned.
Hold back.
Mistake: rushing to meet
Take time to know people before meeting. Safety comes first.
Slow down.
Mistake: ignoring red flags
Trust your instincts and leave if something feels off. You owe no one your time.
Listen to your gut.
Troubleshoot: when no one replies
Try different groups, because many are quiet. Do not take silence personally.
Move on.
Troubleshoot: when someone pushes
Block and report if anyone pressures you. Your safety matters most.
Protect yourself.
Troubleshoot: when you feel overwhelmed
Take a break from screens and go outside for a while. Reset your mind.
Rest.
Drill: comment on three posts
Be kind and specific. Practising builds ease.
Do it today.
Drill: send one message a week
Build slowly and sincerely. Small, regular contact adds up.
Send one this week.
Drill: attend one group event
Move offline in a group setting. It is a safe, warm step.
Pick an event.
Protect your privacy
Do not share addresses, finances or workplace details early. Be careful and sensible.
Check your settings.
Meet in public places
Cafes and events are safe choices. Tell a friend where you will be.
Choose a busy place.
Tell a friend your plans
Share where you are going and when. It is simple safety.
Tell one friend.
Be respectful
Kindness online is vital. Think before you post.
Pause before posting.
Use group chats first
Group chats are safer than one-to-one early on. Join one.
Join a chat.
Look for local groups
Local meet-ups lead to real friendships. Search your area.
Find one.
Balance screen time
Do not live online. Plan time offline too.
Plan an outing.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Hi, I loved your post about hiking.”
“Have you tried that trail?”
“I am new to this group.”
“Would you like to meet at the group event?”
“Let us meet in a public place.”
“Thanks for the chat.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Join one online group
Comment kindly on a post
Send a friendly message
Chat over a few days
Suggest a group meet-up
Meet in public
Review
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Like Switch (Jack Schafer)
- The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “How to Approach Someone”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Approach at the GymNext: Approach a Neighbour →
- What You Are Really Afraid Of
- Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
- The Spotlight Effect at Parties
- A Rejection Is Rarely What You Imagine
- Why Waiting Makes It Harder
- Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
- The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small
- Spot Open and Closed Signals
- The Right Moment to Say Hello
- Approach Alone, Pairs and Groups Differently
- What to Do When They Look Busy
- Wait for the Natural Pause
- Notice Who Is Standing Alone
- Be Respectful if It Is Not the Time
- Smile Before You Speak
- Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight On
- Keep Open and Relaxed Posture
- The Friendly Introduction Handshake
- Eye Contact That Feels Warm
- Say Your Name With a Smile
- Do Not Hover: Commit to Hello
- Comment on the Shared Situation
- Ask for a Small Opinion
- Give a Genuine Compliment
- Ask for a Small Favour
- Introduce Yourself Simply
- The Question That Starts Any Chat
- Use Humour Lightly
- Approach at a Party
- Approach at Work
- Approach in Class
- Approach at the Gym
- Approach Online First
- Approach a Neighbour
- Keep the Chat Going for One More Minute
- Exit Gracefully if It Is Not Clicking
- Suggest Meeting Again Casually
- Handle a Cool Reception Without Hurt
- Reflect and Learn After Each Approach
- Practise Approaching Every Week
