Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
Ten ways to reframe approaching as an act of kindness, so it feels less like a risk.
Saying hello is a small kindness. Seeing it that way changes how it feels.
31 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Like Switch (Jack Schafer), The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Kindness first
Instead of thinking I hope they like me, think I hope they feel welcome. It shifts attention from yourself to them.
Change your inner sentence before you go over.
Make someone’s day
A hello can brighten a lonely moment. You may never know how much it helps.
Greet someone with a smile.
Welcome the newcomer
New people at groups often feel lost. Greeting them is generous.
Say welcome to one new person.
Include the one alone
Inviting a person standing alone to join your group is kind and brave.
Invite someone in.
Offer help
Helping with a task starts a chat naturally.
Offer a hand.
Share a smile
Smiles are free gifts.
Give one to a stranger.
Keep expectations light
You are giving kindness, not asking for friendship.
Let the response be whatever it is.
Notice the glow
Acts of kindness make you feel good too.
Note your mood after.
Practise daily
Small kindnesses build the habit.
Do one a day.
Pass it on
Encourage friends to say hello too.
Share the idea.
Kindness removes the pressure to impress
When your aim is to make someone feel welcome, you do not need to be clever or charming. Warmth is enough.
Say to yourself I am going to be kind, not impressive.
Script: welcoming a newcomer
You look new here, I am Sam, can I show you around? It makes you a host in the moment.
Use it at your next group.
Script: including a loner
Would you like to join us? We are just chatting about holidays. It is generous and easy to accept.
Invite someone.
Script: a small offer
Can I help you with that? Helping is a kindness and a conversation starter.
Offer help.
Script: a warm closing
It was lovely to meet you, I hope you enjoy the rest of the day. A kind goodbye ends well.
Use it.
Mistake: expecting friendship from one hello
A hello is a gift, not a deal. Give it freely and let the response be what it is.
Release the expectation.
Mistake: focusing on what they think of you
Thinking about how you come across spoils the kindness. Focus on them.
Redirect attention.
Mistake: assuming people dislike being greeted
Most people enjoy a warm greeting. Treat them as you would like to be treated.
Remember being greeted.
Troubleshoot: when they do not respond warmly
You still did a kind thing. Be proud of that.
Say well done.
Troubleshoot: when you feel awkward
Awkward is a sign that you care. Smile and carry on.
Breathe.
Troubleshoot: when you feel drained
Do a smaller kindness, such as a smile, and rest. Kindness need not exhaust you.
Choose a small one.
Drill: one kind hello a day
Greet someone with a purpose of kindness every day for a week. See how it feels.
Start today.
Drill: welcome one newcomer a month
Look for new faces at your regular places. Welcoming is a habit.
Plan one.
Drill: include one person
In every group, notice someone who is outside and bring them in. It is a skill.
Practise.
Notice how kindness feels in your body
You may feel warm and light. Savour the feeling.
Write it.
Remember others who welcomed you
Recall a time someone welcomed you. Pass it on.
Think of one.
Be kind to yourself too
Kindness includes you. Do not scold yourself for nerves.
Say it is okay.
Teach it to a friend
Share the idea so they can join you. Kindness spreads.
Tell one.
Look for small kindnesses everywhere
Holding a door or a smile counts. Do many.
Do three today.
Be consistent
Regular kindness builds your reputation as a warm person. Keep it going.
Make it a habit.
Celebrate each time
Say well done after each kind act. It encourages you.
Reward yourself.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I wanted to make you feel welcome.”
“You looked like someone I would like to know.”
“It is good to see a friendly face.”
“Would you like to join us?”
“I am glad we chatted.”
“Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Say hello as a kindness today
Notice how it feels
Welcome one newcomer
Include one person who is alone
Smile at a stranger
Write how people responded
Repeat
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Like Switch (Jack Schafer)
- The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “How to Approach Someone”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Why Waiting Makes It HarderNext: The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small →
- What You Are Really Afraid Of
- Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
- The Spotlight Effect at Parties
- A Rejection Is Rarely What You Imagine
- Why Waiting Makes It Harder
- Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
- The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small
- Spot Open and Closed Signals
- The Right Moment to Say Hello
- Approach Alone, Pairs and Groups Differently
- What to Do When They Look Busy
- Wait for the Natural Pause
- Notice Who Is Standing Alone
- Be Respectful if It Is Not the Time
- Smile Before You Speak
- Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight On
- Keep Open and Relaxed Posture
- The Friendly Introduction Handshake
- Eye Contact That Feels Warm
- Say Your Name With a Smile
- Do Not Hover: Commit to Hello
- Comment on the Shared Situation
- Ask for a Small Opinion
- Give a Genuine Compliment
- Ask for a Small Favour
- Introduce Yourself Simply
- The Question That Starts Any Chat
- Use Humour Lightly
- Approach at a Party
- Approach at Work
- Approach in Class
- Approach at the Gym
- Approach Online First
- Approach a Neighbour
- Keep the Chat Going for One More Minute
- Exit Gracefully if It Is Not Clicking
- Suggest Meeting Again Casually
- Handle a Cool Reception Without Hurt
- Reflect and Learn After Each Approach
- Practise Approaching Every Week
