Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
Ten reasons most people are glad you spoke first, and how to use that knowledge next time.
People often hope someone will speak to them. You are doing them a favour by going first.
32 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Like Switch (Jack Schafer), The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Many people are waiting
Surveys on loneliness find that large numbers of adults want more connection but feel shy about starting. You are helping them.
Think of how you feel when someone greets you.
Going first is generous
It takes the pressure off the other person. They often feel relief.
Say hello before they have to.
The liking gap helps
After a chat, people tend to like you more than you think. Your first move is likely to be welcome.
Remind yourself of this on the way over.
It signals friendliness
Starting a chat shows warmth, which people respond to. It is a gift, not a risk.
Smile as you start.
It saves them effort
Many nervous people are rehearsing what to say. You solved that for them.
Keep your first line simple.
It starts a good loop
One friendly hello encourages more kindness in the room.
Notice how the mood lifts.
It might be the day they needed
Some people are having a lonely day. A hello could matter more than you know.
Offer a warm hello without expecting a big reply.
It builds your confidence
Each time you go first, you learn the fear is smaller than the reality.
Count your hellos this week.
It gets easier
Starting chats is a skill that grows. After a few tries, it feels natural.
Aim for three hellos this week.
It makes you memorable
People remember the friendly person who spoke first.
Be that person once today.
Remember the last time someone approached you
Think of a time a stranger said a friendly hello. You probably felt noticed and a little warmer. Others feel the same when you do it.
Write how that greeting made you feel.
Script: the gentle first hello
Hi, I hope I am not interrupting, I am Sam is polite and soft. It gives the other person a clear way to respond.
Practise it twice.
Script: the nervous honesty line
I will admit I am a bit nervous saying hello, but I wanted to introduce myself. Honesty is endearing and puts people at ease.
Use it once.
Script: the shared-situation line
It is so busy in here today, isn’t it? Starting with what you both can see keeps things safe.
Try it in a queue.
Script: the welcome line
You look new here, can I show you around? Welcoming a newcomer is one of the kindest openers.
Use it at your next group.
Mistake: waiting for them to speak
Waiting hands the whole risk to the other person. Going first is generous.
Speak first today.
Mistake: assuming you will be a nuisance
Most people enjoy a brief friendly hello. The belief that you will bother them is usually wrong.
Say it anyway.
Mistake: over-apologising
Starting with sorry to bother you invites a brush-off. Start with hello.
Drop the sorry.
Troubleshoot: when they answer shortly
Smile and say nice to meet you, enjoy your day. A short answer is about their mood.
Leave kindly.
Troubleshoot: when they look surprised
Say I just wanted to say hello, no pressure. It reassures them.
Keep your tone light.
Troubleshoot: when you feel your heart racing
Breathe out slowly and smile. The first ten seconds are the worst.
Breathe before you go.
Drill: three hellos in a day
Say hello to three people you do not know, such as a cashier, a neighbour and a stranger on a walk. Count them.
Do it today.
Drill: say hello first to the same person daily
Greeting the same person every day for a week builds familiarity quickly.
Choose someone.
Drill: a hello with a name
Learn a name and use it next time. It deepens the link.
Use one name today.
Notice who looks relieved
Often the person you greet looks quietly pleased. Watching for that builds courage.
Observe faces.
Notice who you admire
People who greet others warmly are usually liked. Copy them.
Watch one.
Choose safe settings first
Classes, clubs and events are easier than streets. Start there.
Pick one.
Use a smile
A gentle smile removes much of the awkwardness. Start there.
Smile first.
Introduce yourself with a reason
I am Sam, I am here for the hiking club. Context helps.
Add a reason.
Ask one question
How long have you been coming? Keep it light.
Ask it.
Listen to the answer
Show interest in their reply. It makes the chat grow.
Listen.
Reflect afterwards
Note how it felt and what happened. Learning follows.
Write two lines.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Hi, I hope I am not interrupting, I am Sam.”
“I noticed you looked friendly, so I thought I would say hello.”
“It is nice to meet someone new here.”
“What brings you to this event?”
“Thank you for chatting with me.”
“I hope we cross paths again.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Say hello to someone who looks alone
Notice their reaction
Write what they said
Say hello to one more person
Tell a friend what happened
Keep a hello tally
Repeat tomorrow
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Like Switch (Jack Schafer)
- The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Approach Someone”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: What You Are Really Afraid OfNext: The Spotlight Effect at Parties →
- What You Are Really Afraid Of
- Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
- The Spotlight Effect at Parties
- A Rejection Is Rarely What You Imagine
- Why Waiting Makes It Harder
- Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
- The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small
- Spot Open and Closed Signals
- The Right Moment to Say Hello
- Approach Alone, Pairs and Groups Differently
- What to Do When They Look Busy
- Wait for the Natural Pause
- Notice Who Is Standing Alone
- Be Respectful if It Is Not the Time
- Smile Before You Speak
- Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight On
- Keep Open and Relaxed Posture
- The Friendly Introduction Handshake
- Eye Contact That Feels Warm
- Say Your Name With a Smile
- Do Not Hover: Commit to Hello
- Comment on the Shared Situation
- Ask for a Small Opinion
- Give a Genuine Compliment
- Ask for a Small Favour
- Introduce Yourself Simply
- The Question That Starts Any Chat
- Use Humour Lightly
- Approach at a Party
- Approach at Work
- Approach in Class
- Approach at the Gym
- Approach Online First
- Approach a Neighbour
- Keep the Chat Going for One More Minute
- Exit Gracefully if It Is Not Clicking
- Suggest Meeting Again Casually
- Handle a Cool Reception Without Hurt
- Reflect and Learn After Each Approach
- Practise Approaching Every Week
