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Making Friends / How to Approach Someone / Lesson 19
LESSON 19 · HOW TO APPROACH SOMEONE

Eye Contact That Feels Warm

Ten ways to use eye contact that feels warm, and avoid the stare that feels odd.

Eye contact is connection. The right amount feels welcoming.

25 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

25 tips that really help

These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Like Switch (Jack Schafer), The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Eye contact is the quiet language of attention
TIP 1

Eye contact is the quiet language of attention

It tells people you see them and are listening. The right amount feels warm; too little feels distant and too much feels intense.

TRY THIS
Aim for a gentle balance.
Photo for the tip: Aim for about half to two-thirds of the time
TIP 2

Aim for about half to two-thirds of the time

Most people are comfortable with eye contact about half the time while talking and more while listening. Look away naturally.

TRY THIS
Try it in a chat.
Photo for the tip: Hold a look for about three seconds
TIP 3

Hold a look for about three seconds

A three-second look feels warm. Then glance away and return.

TRY THIS
Count gently.
Photo for the tip: Use the soft triangle
TIP 4

Use the soft triangle

Move your gaze between their eyes and mouth in a soft triangle. It feels natural and relaxed.

TRY THIS
Practise in a mirror.
Photo for the tip: Soften your gaze
TIP 5

Soften your gaze

Relax the muscles around your eyes. A soft gaze feels kind rather than intense.

TRY THIS
Think of warmth.
Photo for the tip: Script: a warm opening
TIP 6

Script: a warm opening

Look at them, smile and say Hi, I am Sam. Eye contact plus a smile is a powerful start.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: listening
TIP 7

Script: listening

Look at them as they speak and nod gently. It shows you care.

TRY THIS
Do it.
Photo for the tip: Script: thinking aloud
TIP 8

Script: thinking aloud

Glance aside when you think, then return. It is normal and looks natural.

TRY THIS
Do not stare.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: staring
TIP 9

Mistake: staring

Fixed staring feels intense. Blink and shift your gaze naturally.

TRY THIS
Relax your eyes.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: avoiding eye contact completely
TIP 10

Mistake: avoiding eye contact completely

Never meeting someone’s eyes can look unsure. Aim for some.

TRY THIS
Try a little.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: looking over their shoulder
TIP 11

Mistake: looking over their shoulder

Scanning the room says you want to leave. Stay with them.

TRY THIS
Stay present.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when eye contact feels hard
TIP 12

Troubleshoot: when eye contact feels hard

Look at the bridge of the nose or the eyebrows. It looks like eye contact and feels easier.

TRY THIS
Try it today.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when they avoid it
TIP 13

Troubleshoot: when they avoid it

Some people find eye contact hard. Be gentle and do not force it.

TRY THIS
Adapt kindly.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: on video calls
TIP 14

Troubleshoot: on video calls

Look at the camera sometimes, not only at faces on the screen. Practise it.

TRY THIS
Look at the lens.
Photo for the tip: Drill: practise with a friend
TIP 15

Drill: practise with a friend

Ask a friend to tell a story while you maintain gentle eye contact. Get their feedback.

TRY THIS
Try it once.
Photo for the tip: Drill: practise with a pet
TIP 16

Drill: practise with a pet

Look into your pet’s eyes warmly. It is relaxing and builds comfort.

TRY THIS
Try it tonight.
Photo for the tip: Drill: three greetings with eye contact
TIP 17

Drill: three greetings with eye contact

Look at three people as you greet them and count. It builds the habit.

TRY THIS
Do it today.
Photo for the tip: Respect cultural differences
TIP 18

Respect cultural differences

Some cultures consider direct eye contact rude. Learn the local norm.

TRY THIS
Observe locals.
Photo for the tip: Respect neurodiversity
TIP 19

Respect neurodiversity

Some people find eye contact uncomfortable. Be understanding and relaxed.

TRY THIS
Be kind.
Photo for the tip: Pair eye contact with a smile
TIP 20

Pair eye contact with a smile

A smile warms eye contact and makes it friendly.

TRY THIS
Do both together.
Photo for the tip: Use it when listening
TIP 21

Use it when listening

Eye contact shows interest. Keep it gentle and steady.

TRY THIS
Listen warmly.
Photo for the tip: Use it at greetings and goodbyes
TIP 22

Use it at greetings and goodbyes

It bookends the chat nicely. Remember to do it.

TRY THIS
Remember both.
Photo for the tip: Use it with groups
TIP 23

Use it with groups

Look at each person so everyone feels included.

TRY THIS
Look around.
Photo for the tip: Notice their comfort
TIP 24

Notice their comfort

If they look away often, soften your gaze. Adapt to them.

TRY THIS
Watch gently.
Photo for the tip: Take small breaks
TIP 25

Take small breaks

Look at hands or around for a second. A brief rest keeps it natural.

TRY THIS
Pause now and then.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

HELLO

“Hi, it is nice to meet you.”

WARM

“I really enjoyed that story.”

ASK

“What do you do for fun?”

SHARE

“I find eye contact tricky, so I look away sometimes.”

THANKS

“Thanks for the lovely chat.”

CLOSE

“Take care.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Hold eye contact for three seconds
DAY 2
Look away gently
DAY 3
Look at one eye then the other
DAY 4
Soften your face
DAY 5
Match their comfort level
DAY 6
Practise in a mirror
DAY 7
Try with a friend

Further reading

  • How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
  • The Like Switch (Jack Schafer)
  • The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All How to Approach Someone lessons
Next lesson: Say Your Name With a Smile →

More lessons in “How to Approach Someone”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: The Friendly Introduction HandshakeNext: Say Your Name With a Smile →

  1. What You Are Really Afraid Of
  2. Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
  3. The Spotlight Effect at Parties
  4. A Rejection Is Rarely What You Imagine
  5. Why Waiting Makes It Harder
  6. Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
  7. The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small
  8. Spot Open and Closed Signals
  9. The Right Moment to Say Hello
  10. Approach Alone, Pairs and Groups Differently
  11. What to Do When They Look Busy
  12. Wait for the Natural Pause
  13. Notice Who Is Standing Alone
  14. Be Respectful if It Is Not the Time
  15. Smile Before You Speak
  16. Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight On
  17. Keep Open and Relaxed Posture
  18. The Friendly Introduction Handshake
  19. Eye Contact That Feels Warm
  20. Say Your Name With a Smile
  21. Do Not Hover: Commit to Hello
  22. Comment on the Shared Situation
  23. Ask for a Small Opinion
  24. Give a Genuine Compliment
  25. Ask for a Small Favour
  26. Introduce Yourself Simply
  27. The Question That Starts Any Chat
  28. Use Humour Lightly
  29. Approach at a Party
  30. Approach at Work
  31. Approach in Class
  32. Approach at the Gym
  33. Approach Online First
  34. Approach a Neighbour
  35. Keep the Chat Going for One More Minute
  36. Exit Gracefully if It Is Not Clicking
  37. Suggest Meeting Again Casually
  38. Handle a Cool Reception Without Hurt
  39. Reflect and Learn After Each Approach
  40. Practise Approaching Every Week
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