The Question That Starts Any Chat
Thirty easy ways to use the question that starts any chat, so conversation begins without effort.
One good question starts it. Curiosity opens doors.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Like Switch (Jack Schafer), The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why a question works
People love talking about themselves. A friendly question hands them the floor and takes pressure off you.
Ask one.
Ask about the place
What brings you here today? It fits almost any setting.
Use it.
Ask about their day
How is your day going so far? Simple and kind.
Use it.
Ask how they know the host
How do you know Sam? Great at parties.
Use it.
Ask about interests
What do you enjoy doing outside work? Easy and open.
Use it.
Use open questions
Start with what, how or tell me about. Open questions get longer answers.
Go open.
Avoid yes or no questions
They end chats fast. Add a what or how.
Open them up.
Use a friendly tone
Warm voice and soft eyes. The tone sets the mood.
Warm up.
Wait for the answer
Count to three silently. Give them time.
Wait.
Listen for a hook
Pick one word you can follow up on. Hooks keep chats going.
Find a hook.
Follow with tell me more
Three easy words that deepen talk. Use often.
Use it.
Share a little back
Answer your own question briefly after they reply, because sharing a little keeps the chat balanced.
Share back.
Script: place
What brings you here today? Say it with a smile.
Use it.
Script: day
How is your day going so far? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: host
How do you know the host? Say it lightly.
Use it.
Script: follow-up
That sounds interesting, tell me more. Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: closing
That was interesting, thanks for sharing. Say it gladly.
Use it.
Mistake: firing too many questions
It feels like an interview, so mix comments.
Mix it.
Mistake: asking only closed questions
Closed questions with yes or no answers stall a chat, so use open ones that start with what or how.
Open them.
Mistake: not listening to the answer
If you ignore the answer it shows, so listen fully and let their words guide your next question.
Listen.
Mistake: asking personal questions too early
Keep it light first, so start simple.
Start simple.
Mistake: checking your phone while they answer
It kills warmth, so keep eye contact.
Look at them.
Troubleshoot: when they give a short answer
Ask a gentle follow-up or share a story. Warm up.
Follow up.
Troubleshoot: when they ask nothing back
If they ask nothing back, offer something about yourself, because a small share invites balance.
Share a bit.
Troubleshoot: when you run out of questions
Comment on the setting or food. Easy topics.
Comment.
Troubleshoot: when it feels like an interview
If it feels like an interview, add a comment between questions, because a relaxed mix feels warmer.
Add comments.
Troubleshoot: when they seem uneasy
Ease off, smile and offer space. Respect.
Ease off.
Drill: collect five questions
Write five open questions and keep them. Use one today.
Write them.
Drill: ask three people
Ask three people one question each. Practise.
Try it.
Drill: follow up twice
Follow up twice in your next chat. Notice depth.
Practise.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“What brings you here today?”
“How is your day going?”
“How do you know the host?”
“What do you enjoy doing?”
“Tell me more about that.”
“That was interesting.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Pick a question
Say it warmly
Wait
Listen
Follow up
Share a little
Ask another
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Like Switch (Jack Schafer)
- The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Approach Someone”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Introduce Yourself SimplyNext: Use Humour Lightly →
- What You Are Really Afraid Of
- Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
- The Spotlight Effect at Parties
- A Rejection Is Rarely What You Imagine
- Why Waiting Makes It Harder
- Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
- The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small
- Spot Open and Closed Signals
- The Right Moment to Say Hello
- Approach Alone, Pairs and Groups Differently
- What to Do When They Look Busy
- Wait for the Natural Pause
- Notice Who Is Standing Alone
- Be Respectful if It Is Not the Time
- Smile Before You Speak
- Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight On
- Keep Open and Relaxed Posture
- The Friendly Introduction Handshake
- Eye Contact That Feels Warm
- Say Your Name With a Smile
- Do Not Hover: Commit to Hello
- Comment on the Shared Situation
- Ask for a Small Opinion
- Give a Genuine Compliment
- Ask for a Small Favour
- Introduce Yourself Simply
- The Question That Starts Any Chat
- Use Humour Lightly
- Approach at a Party
- Approach at Work
- Approach in Class
- Approach at the Gym
- Approach Online First
- Approach a Neighbour
- Keep the Chat Going for One More Minute
- Exit Gracefully if It Is Not Clicking
- Suggest Meeting Again Casually
- Handle a Cool Reception Without Hurt
- Reflect and Learn After Each Approach
- Practise Approaching Every Week
