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Making Friends / How to Approach Someone / Lesson 17
LESSON 17 · HOW TO APPROACH SOMEONE

Keep Open and Relaxed Posture

Thirty easy ways to keep an open and relaxed posture, so you look friendly and people feel safe to talk.

Open body, open door. Relaxed looks kind.

29 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

29 tips that really help

These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Like Switch (Jack Schafer), The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Why posture matters
TIP 1

Why posture matters

People read your body before your words. An open, relaxed posture says you are safe to talk to.

TRY THIS
Try it.
Photo for the tip: Uncross your arms
TIP 2

Uncross your arms

Crossed arms can look closed. Let them rest at your sides or hold something light.

TRY THIS
Open them.
Photo for the tip: Drop your shoulders
TIP 3

Drop your shoulders

Lift them up, then let them fall. Relaxed shoulders show calm.

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Drop them.
Photo for the tip: Stand tall but easy
TIP 4

Stand tall but easy

Imagine a string lifting your head. Tall is friendly when your body is loose.

TRY THIS
Stand tall.
Photo for the tip: Face the person
TIP 5

Face the person

Turn your chest and feet towards them. It shows interest.

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Turn to them.
Photo for the tip: Keep your hands visible
TIP 6

Keep your hands visible

Open hands feel honest. Avoid hiding them in pockets all the time.

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Show hands.
Photo for the tip: Soften your face
TIP 7

Soften your face

Relax your jaw and forehead. A soft face looks kind.

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Soften it.
Photo for the tip: Smile gently
TIP 8

Smile gently

A small smile invites people in. Keep it natural.

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Smile.
Photo for the tip: Keep a comfortable distance
TIP 9

Keep a comfortable distance

Stand about an arm and a half away. Too close feels pushy, too far feels cold.

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Find distance.
Photo for the tip: Lean in slightly when listening
TIP 10

Lean in slightly when listening

A tiny lean shows interest. Do not overdo it.

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Lean in.
Photo for the tip: Nod now and then
TIP 11

Nod now and then

Gentle nods show you are listening. Keep it slow.

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Nod.
Photo for the tip: Breathe low
TIP 12

Breathe low

Low belly breaths relax your whole body. Slow and calm.

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Breathe.
Photo for the tip: Check yourself often
TIP 13

Check yourself often

Scan for tight shoulders or a clenched jaw. Reset quickly.

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Check in.
Photo for the tip: Script: opening
TIP 14

Script: opening

Hi there, may I join you? Say it with open hands.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: soft
TIP 15

Script: soft

Take your time, no rush at all. Say it with relaxed shoulders.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: facing
TIP 16

Script: facing

I would love to hear about that. Say it facing them.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: smiling
TIP 17

Script: smiling

Nice to meet you. Say it with a gentle smile.

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Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: closing
TIP 18

Script: closing

It was lovely chatting with you. Say it warmly.

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Use it.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: looking at the floor
TIP 19

Mistake: looking at the floor

It hides your face, so look up.

TRY THIS
Look up.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: fidgeting nonstop
TIP 20

Mistake: fidgeting nonstop

Fidgeting signals stress, so keep hands calm.

TRY THIS
Calm hands.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: stiff smiling
TIP 21

Mistake: stiff smiling

A frozen smile looks fake, so relax it.

TRY THIS
Relax it.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you feel tense
TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you feel tense

Drop your shoulders and breathe out slowly. Tension leaves.

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Breathe out.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you do not know what to do with hands
TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you do not know what to do with hands

Hold a cup or rest hands loosely at your sides. Simple.

TRY THIS
Hold a cup.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you slouch
TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you slouch

Lift your chest gently and relax. Do not force it.

TRY THIS
Lift gently.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you sit
TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you sit

Sit with an open chest and feet flat. Lean in a little.

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Sit open.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when the room is crowded
TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when the room is crowded

Keep your arms close but loose and turn your body slightly. Be polite.

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Adjust.
Photo for the tip: Drill: mirror check
TIP 27

Drill: mirror check

Check your posture in a mirror for one minute. Adjust.

TRY THIS
Check it.
Photo for the tip: Drill: three posture resets daily
TIP 28

Drill: three posture resets daily

Reset your posture three times a day. Make it a habit.

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Reset.
Photo for the tip: Drill: ask a friend
TIP 29

Drill: ask a friend

Ask a friend if you look relaxed. Use their tip.

TRY THIS
Ask.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

OPEN

“I stand tall and relaxed.”

SOFT

“My shoulders are loose.”

FACE

“I turn towards them.”

HANDS

“My hands stay open.”

SMILE

“I smile gently.”

CLOSE

“I look friendly.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Uncross your arms
DAY 2
Drop your shoulders
DAY 3
Face the person
DAY 4
Open your hands
DAY 5
Smile
DAY 6
Breathe
DAY 7
Check

Further reading

  • How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
  • The Like Switch (Jack Schafer)
  • The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All How to Approach Someone lessons
Next lesson: The Friendly Introduction Handshake →

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.

More lessons in “How to Approach Someone”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight OnNext: The Friendly Introduction Handshake →

  1. What You Are Really Afraid Of
  2. Most People Are Glad You Spoke First
  3. The Spotlight Effect at Parties
  4. A Rejection Is Rarely What You Imagine
  5. Why Waiting Makes It Harder
  6. Reframe Approaching as Being Kind
  7. The Worst Realistic Outcome Is Small
  8. Spot Open and Closed Signals
  9. The Right Moment to Say Hello
  10. Approach Alone, Pairs and Groups Differently
  11. What to Do When They Look Busy
  12. Wait for the Natural Pause
  13. Notice Who Is Standing Alone
  14. Be Respectful if It Is Not the Time
  15. Smile Before You Speak
  16. Walk Over at an Angle, Not Straight On
  17. Keep Open and Relaxed Posture
  18. The Friendly Introduction Handshake
  19. Eye Contact That Feels Warm
  20. Say Your Name With a Smile
  21. Do Not Hover: Commit to Hello
  22. Comment on the Shared Situation
  23. Ask for a Small Opinion
  24. Give a Genuine Compliment
  25. Ask for a Small Favour
  26. Introduce Yourself Simply
  27. The Question That Starts Any Chat
  28. Use Humour Lightly
  29. Approach at a Party
  30. Approach at Work
  31. Approach in Class
  32. Approach at the Gym
  33. Approach Online First
  34. Approach a Neighbour
  35. Keep the Chat Going for One More Minute
  36. Exit Gracefully if It Is Not Clicking
  37. Suggest Meeting Again Casually
  38. Handle a Cool Reception Without Hurt
  39. Reflect and Learn After Each Approach
  40. Practise Approaching Every Week
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