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Making Friends / How to Maintain Friendships / Lesson 32
LESSON 32 · HOW TO MAINTAIN FRIENDSHIPS

Resolve a Misunderstanding

Thirty-two easy ways to resolve a misunderstanding, turning a confusing moment into a closer friendship.

Most conflicts are misunderstandings. Clear talk fixes them.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Misunderstandings are common
TIP 1

Misunderstandings are common

Words, tone and silence can be misread, especially in text. Most misunderstandings clear up quickly with calm talk.

TRY THIS
Talk it out.
Photo for the tip: Calm down first
TIP 2

Calm down first

Do not talk while angry. Breathe and take time.

TRY THIS
Breathe.
Photo for the tip: Ask to talk
TIP 3

Ask to talk

Say, can we talk about what happened? Kindly and clearly.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Choose a good setting
TIP 4

Choose a good setting

Use a call or a quiet meeting, not a text storm. Tone matters.

TRY THIS
Choose well.
Photo for the tip: Listen first
TIP 5

Listen first

Let them explain without interruption. Understanding comes before defending.

TRY THIS
Listen.
Photo for the tip: Repeat what you heard
TIP 6

Repeat what you heard

Say, so you felt left out, is that right? Checking builds clarity.

TRY THIS
Reflect.
Photo for the tip: Share your view calmly
TIP 7

Share your view calmly

Describe how it looked to you, using I statements. Avoid blame.

TRY THIS
Use I.
Photo for the tip: Own your part
TIP 8

Own your part

Say, I may have misread that, and I am sorry. Humility heals.

TRY THIS
Own it.
Photo for the tip: Look for the real issue
TIP 9

Look for the real issue

Often the real hurt is under the surface. Ask what mattered.

TRY THIS
Dig kindly.
Photo for the tip: Agree on a step
TIP 10

Agree on a step

Decide how you will avoid the same confusion. Small step.

TRY THIS
Agree.
Photo for the tip: Thank them
TIP 11

Thank them

Gratitude closes the matter. Thank them for talking.

TRY THIS
Thank.
Photo for the tip: Let it go
TIP 12

Let it go

Do not keep reopening. Peace is the aim.

TRY THIS
Release.
Photo for the tip: Script: asking
TIP 13

Script: asking

Can we talk about what happened between us? Say it gently.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: listening
TIP 14

Script: listening

Tell me how you saw it, I really want to understand. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: reflecting
TIP 15

Script: reflecting

So you felt left out when I did not reply, is that right? Say it carefully.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: owning
TIP 16

Script: owning

I may have misread you, and I am sorry. Say it humbly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: closing
TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for clearing it up, I am glad we talked. Say it warmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: arguing by text
TIP 18

Mistake: arguing by text

Text misreads tone, so call or meet.

TRY THIS
Switch.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: talking to others first
TIP 19

Mistake: talking to others first

It spreads drama, so talk to the friend.

TRY THIS
Go direct.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: trying to win
TIP 20

Mistake: trying to win

The aim is peace, so seek understanding.

TRY THIS
Be kind.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when they will not talk
TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when they will not talk

Send a short caring note and give time. Leave the door open.

TRY THIS
Be patient.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when emotions run high
TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when emotions run high

Pause and return when calm. Safety first.

TRY THIS
Pause.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you see it very differently
TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you see it very differently

Agree that both views are real and focus on moving forward. Respect.

TRY THIS
Accept.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when it involves a group
TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when it involves a group

Talk to the person first, then clear the air with the group if needed. Keep it kind.

TRY THIS
Be careful.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you feel misunderstood repeatedly
TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you feel misunderstood repeatedly

Share simply how you like to communicate. Ask the same of them.

TRY THIS
Clarify.
Photo for the tip: Drill: write what you want to say
TIP 26

Drill: write what you want to say

Write your point in three lines using I statements. Rehearse.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Drill: practise listening
TIP 27

Drill: practise listening

Practise reflecting back what you heard in a normal chat. Notice the effect.

TRY THIS
Practise.
Photo for the tip: Drill: plan a call
TIP 28

Drill: plan a call

Plan a short call to clear a small misunderstanding. Do it.

TRY THIS
Call.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

ASK

“Can we talk about what happened?”

LISTEN

“Tell me how you saw it.”

SHARE

“Here is how I saw it.”

OWN

“I may have misread you.”

THANK

“Thanks for clearing it up.”

CLOSE

“I am glad we talked.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Calm down
DAY 2
Ask to talk
DAY 3
Listen first
DAY 4
Share your view
DAY 5
Own misreading
DAY 6
Agree on a step
DAY 7
Thank them

Further reading

  • The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
  • Friends (Robin Dunbar)
  • Platonic (Marisa Franco)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All How to Maintain Friendships lessons
Next lesson: Rebuild After a Disagreement →

More lessons in “How to Maintain Friendships”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Forgive Without Forgetting YourselfNext: Rebuild After a Disagreement →

  1. Why Good Friendships Fade Without a Fight
  2. Time, Distance and Busy Seasons
  3. Life Stages and Friend Drift
  4. The Silence Spiral
  5. Why It Is Never Too Late to Reconnect
  6. Friendship Needs Maintenance Like Anything Else
  7. What Long Friendships Have in Common
  8. The Five-Minute Check-In
  9. Share Something That Made You Think of Them
  10. React to Their Posts Meaningfully
  11. Send a Voice Note on Your Walk
  12. Keep a Standing Weekly Call
  13. The Birthday Habit
  14. Gratitude Messages for No Reason
  15. The Annual Trip or Reunion
  16. Monthly Dinner or Game Night
  17. Holiday Traditions With Friends
  18. Book Clubs and Shared Projects
  19. Walk-and-Talk Dates
  20. Create a Friend Group Chat Worth Keeping
  21. Celebrate Milestones Together
  22. Make Time Zones Work
  23. Video Calls With Purpose
  24. Watch, Play or Cook Together Online
  25. Send Letters, Cards and Surprises
  26. Plan Visits Well in Advance
  27. Make Every Reunion Count
  28. Keep the Daily Life Connection
  29. Reach Out After a Long Silence
  30. Apologise Sincerely and Simply
  31. Forgive Without Forgetting Yourself
  32. Resolve a Misunderstanding
  33. Rebuild After a Disagreement
  34. Make Peace With Friends Who Have Changed
  35. Nurture a Circle, Not Just a Few People
  36. Make New Friends at Every Age
  37. Be a Friend to Older and Younger People
  38. Leave Room for Change
  39. Let Go Kindly When You Must
  40. Your Lifelong Friendship Plan
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