Leave Room for Change
Thirty-two easy ways to leave room for change, so your friendships can grow and bend without breaking.
Flexible friendships last. Room to grow is room to stay.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Change is certain
People, jobs, homes and values change. Friendships that allow change survive the decades.
Expect it.
Stay curious
Ask, what is new for you? Curiosity keeps you up to date.
Ask.
Update your view of them
Let go of old pictures. See who they are now.
Update.
Share your growth
Tell them how you are changing. Openness keeps closeness.
Share.
Adapt the form
Change how you meet: from late nights to walks or from visits to calls. Form can flex.
Adapt.
Allow different paces
Some friends grow fast, some slowly. Be patient.
Be patient.
Avoid holding them to old roles
Roles like the funny one or the helper can trap. Release them.
Release.
Celebrate each other’s growth
Cheer for each step. Joy fuels friendship.
Cheer.
Talk about change
Say, we are both changing, how do you feel? Honest talk helps.
Talk.
Accept endings and beginnings
Some friendships shift. New ones begin. Both are natural.
Accept.
Script: welcoming
I love how you are growing, it is wonderful to see. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What do you need from a friend at this stage? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: sharing
I am changing too, and I want to tell you about it. Say it honestly.
Use it.
Script: adapting
Let us find a new way to meet that suits us both. Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: closing
I am glad we can grow together. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Troubleshoot: when you feel left behind
Say how you feel gently and ask to stay close. Honesty helps.
Speak.
Troubleshoot: when their changes conflict with your values
Respect them, be honest about your limits and decide how close to stay. Not all conflicts resolve.
Be wise.
Troubleshoot: when they become busier
Adjust rhythm and keep small touches. Love adapts.
Adapt.
Troubleshoot: when interests diverge
Find new shared moments or accept lighter contact. Both are okay.
Accept.
Troubleshoot: when growth feels threatening
Remember friends who grow lift you too. Breathe.
Reframe.
Drill: ask what is new
Ask a friend what is new in their life. Listen.
Ask.
Drill: write what you admire
Write what you admire in a friend’s growth. Tell them.
Write.
Drill: share a change
Share one change in your own life with a friend. Be honest.
Share.
Talk about changes openly
Say, how are things changing for you? because open talk prevents distance.
Ask openly.
Accept new routines
Adjust plans when jobs or families change, because flexible friends last longer.
Be flexible.
Make new shared rituals
If old rituals fade, make new ones, such as a monthly call or video chat.
Start a new one.
Mistake: taking changes personally
Most changes are about life, not about you, so stay kind and curious.
Do not take it personally.
Troubleshoot: when contact drops
Reach out with a warm message and no blame, because a kind note reopens the door.
Reach out.
Drill: plan one new ritual
Suggest one new way to stay in touch that fits your lives now.
Suggest it.
Drill: write what you value
Write three things you value in this friendship, and share one with them.
Write and share.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I love how you are growing.”
“What do you need now?”
“I am changing too.”
“Let us find a new way.”
“Thanks for your patience.”
“We can grow together.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Expect change
Stay curious
Update your view
Adjust the friendship
Share your growth
Celebrate
Let go gently
Further reading
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Friends (Robin Dunbar)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Maintain Friendships”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Be a Friend to Older and Younger PeopleNext: Let Go Kindly When You Must →
- Why Good Friendships Fade Without a Fight
- Time, Distance and Busy Seasons
- Life Stages and Friend Drift
- The Silence Spiral
- Why It Is Never Too Late to Reconnect
- Friendship Needs Maintenance Like Anything Else
- What Long Friendships Have in Common
- The Five-Minute Check-In
- Share Something That Made You Think of Them
- React to Their Posts Meaningfully
- Send a Voice Note on Your Walk
- Keep a Standing Weekly Call
- The Birthday Habit
- Gratitude Messages for No Reason
- The Annual Trip or Reunion
- Monthly Dinner or Game Night
- Holiday Traditions With Friends
- Book Clubs and Shared Projects
- Walk-and-Talk Dates
- Create a Friend Group Chat Worth Keeping
- Celebrate Milestones Together
- Make Time Zones Work
- Video Calls With Purpose
- Watch, Play or Cook Together Online
- Send Letters, Cards and Surprises
- Plan Visits Well in Advance
- Make Every Reunion Count
- Keep the Daily Life Connection
- Reach Out After a Long Silence
- Apologise Sincerely and Simply
- Forgive Without Forgetting Yourself
- Resolve a Misunderstanding
- Rebuild After a Disagreement
- Make Peace With Friends Who Have Changed
- Nurture a Circle, Not Just a Few People
- Make New Friends at Every Age
- Be a Friend to Older and Younger People
- Leave Room for Change
- Let Go Kindly When You Must
- Your Lifelong Friendship Plan
