Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 12

LESSON 12 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

Keep a Friendship Calendar

Thirty-two easy ways to keep a friendship calendar, a simple plan that turns good intentions into real contact.

A calendar remembers for you. Use it to care.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Why a friendship calendar

Busy lives swallow plans. A calendar with friends in it makes sure caring happens on purpose.

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Start one.

TIP 2

Choose your calendar

Use your phone, a paper planner or a shared online calendar. Pick one place.

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Choose.

TIP 3

Add birthdays

Add repeating birthday events for close and good friends. Set alerts.

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Add them.

TIP 4

Add holidays and milestones

Add known events like exams, weddings and moves. Reminders to message are gold.

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Add them.

TIP 5

Schedule meet-ups early

Put plans in the calendar when you agree. Plans in calendars happen more often.

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Schedule.

TIP 6

Schedule reach-outs

Add short blocks like Message Sam on Sunday. A reminder with a name works best.

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Schedule.

TIP 7

Block regular social time

Reserve a weekly slot for friends. Treat it as important.

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Block it.

TIP 8

Colour code friends

Use a colour for friends. At a glance you see your social balance.

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Colour it.

TIP 9

Add buffer time

Leave space around plans so lateness does not stress you. Calm helps.

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Add buffer.

TIP 10

Share plans

Share the calendar with a close friend or partner so you avoid clashes.

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Share it.

TIP 11

Review weekly

Look ahead each Sunday. See who you will meet and who needs a message.

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Review.

TIP 12

Adjust when life changes

Update the plan during busy seasons. Be kind to yourself.

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Adjust.

TIP 13

Script: scheduling

Let us put it in our calendars right now. Say it cheerfully.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: reminding

Reminder to me: call Sam on Sunday evening. Say it to yourself.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: checking

Who have I not spoken to lately? Say it as a weekly question.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: confirming

I have our coffee in my calendar for Friday at ten. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for making time, see you then. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: planning only work

Without social events, friends fade, so add them on purpose.

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Add friends.

TIP 19

Mistake: overloading the calendar

Too many plans cause stress, so leave space to rest.

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Pace yourself.

TIP 20

Mistake: ignoring reminders

If you swipe them away, nothing happens, so act or reschedule.

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Respond.

TIP 21

Mistake: using vague entries

Vague entries do not help, so write names and actions.

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Be specific.

TIP 22

Mistake: forgetting to update

Old plans clutter, so keep it tidy.

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Clean up.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you dislike calendars

Use a simple weekly list on paper. Any system works if used.

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Use paper.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you forget to check

Link calendar checking to a daily habit like morning coffee. Cues help.

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Add a cue.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when friends live far away

Use time-zone tools and pick a regular slot. Predictability helps.

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Plan slots.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when plans change often

Mark tentative plans clearly and confirm later. Flexible entries help.

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Mark tentative.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when you feel it is too much

Start with just birthdays and one weekly social slot. Grow slowly.

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Start small.

TIP 28

Drill: add ten friends’ events

Add ten friend dates to your calendar this week. Set reminders.

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Do it.

TIP 29

Drill: block a social hour

Block a weekly social hour in your calendar. Guard it.

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Block.

TIP 30

Drill: Sunday preview

Every Sunday look at the week ahead and choose two friends to contact. Repeat.

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Practise.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

PLAN

“I have a coffee with Anna on Friday.”

REMIND

“Reminder: call Sam on Sunday.”

CHECK

“Who haven’t I spoken to lately?”

SHARE

“I put our date in my calendar.”

THANK

“Thanks for making time.”

CLOSE

“See you then.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Choose a calendar

DAY 2
Add birthdays

DAY 3
Add meet-ups

DAY 4
Add reminders to reach out

DAY 5
Add monthly check-ins

DAY 6
Review weekly

DAY 7
Enjoy

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.