Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 33

LESSON 33 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

When a Friend Is Struggling

Thirty-two easy ways to support a friend who is struggling, with presence, patience and simple kindness.

You do not need perfect words. Showing up is enough.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Show up

When a friend struggles, your presence matters more than perfect words. Simple kindness is a gift.

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Reach out.

TIP 2

Reach out early

Send a short, warm message: I am here for you. Do not wait for the perfect moment.

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Send one.

TIP 3

Ask what they need

Say, would you like to talk, or would you like company without talking? Let them choose.

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Ask.

TIP 4

Listen without fixing

Let them speak. Nod and reflect their feelings.

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Listen.

TIP 5

Avoid clichés

Phrases like everything happens for a reason can hurt. Say, that sounds really hard.

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Be real.

TIP 6

Offer practical help

Bring a meal, run an errand or sit with them. Specific offers beat vague ones.

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Offer.

TIP 7

Respect their pace

Some want to talk, some need quiet. Follow their lead.

TRY THIS
Be patient.

TIP 8

Keep checking in

A short message each week shows lasting care. Struggles can be long.

TRY THIS
Keep going.

TIP 9

Remember dates

Hard anniversaries or appointments matter. A message that day means a lot.

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Mark them.

TIP 10

Do not take it personally

They may be withdrawn or irritable. It is not about you.

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Stay kind.

TIP 11

Take care of yourself

Supporting is tiring. Rest, talk to others and set limits.

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Self-care.

TIP 12

Suggest professional help gently

If it is heavy, say, would it help to talk with a counsellor? Offer to help find one.

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Suggest kindly.

TIP 13

Script: offering

I am here for you, whatever you need. Say it warmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: asking

Would you like to talk, or would you like company without talking? Say it gently.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: acknowledging

That sounds really hard, and I am so sorry. Say it softly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: practical

Can I bring dinner on Thursday evening? Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

You are not alone, I am thinking of you. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: giving advice too soon

Listen first, so advise only if asked.

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Listen.

TIP 19

Mistake: comparing their pain

Comparing makes them feel unseen, so keep focus on them.

TRY THIS
Stay with them.

TIP 20

Mistake: disappearing

Pulling away hurts, so stay in touch even briefly.

TRY THIS
Stay.

TIP 21

Mistake: making it about you

Keep the focus on them, so share little.

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Focus.

TIP 22

Mistake: promising to fix it

You cannot fix everything, so promise presence.

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Be honest.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when they do not reply

Send a low-pressure note and wait. Keep the door open.

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Be patient.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you feel helpless

Small actions count. A message, a meal or a walk is enough.

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Do small.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when they are in crisis

Encourage urgent help and stay with them if safe. Contact services if needed.

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Get help.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when they push you away

Respect the space and keep a light thread. Show you are still there.

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Stay near.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when you feel drained

Share the support with others and rest. You matter too.

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Share.

TIP 28

Drill: send a support message

Send a short support message to someone today. Notice how you feel.

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Send.

TIP 29

Drill: list practical offers

List five practical ways you can help friends. Keep it handy.

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List.

TIP 30

Drill: practise listening

Spend a conversation only listening and reflecting. Learn.

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Practise.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

OFFER

“I am here for you.”

ASK

“Would you like to talk or not?”

LISTEN

“Take your time.”

HELP

“Can I bring dinner?”

CARE

“You are not alone.”

CLOSE

“I am thinking of you.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Reach out

DAY 2
Listen

DAY 3
Offer practical help

DAY 4
Respect their pace

DAY 5
Keep checking in

DAY 6
Take care of yourself

DAY 7
Know when to suggest help

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.