Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 04

LESSON 04 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

The Friendship Layers: Close, Good and Casual

Thirty-two easy ways to understand the friendship layers, close, good and casual, and give each the right care.

Not every friend needs the same time. Layers make life easier.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Friendship comes in layers

Researcher Robin Dunbar describes circles of friends: a few very close, more good friends and many casual ones. Each layer needs different time.

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Use layers.

TIP 2

Draw your circles

Draw three rings on paper. Put your closest in the middle, good friends in the next ring and casual friends outside.

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Draw it.

TIP 3

Close friends

Usually three to five people you trust deeply. They need frequent, warm contact.

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Name them.

TIP 4

Good friends

About ten to fifteen people you enjoy and trust. They need regular but lighter contact.

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Name them.

TIP 5

Casual friends

Many people you like, such as neighbours and workmates. A few touches a year keep warmth.

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Name them.

TIP 6

Set a rhythm for each layer

Close weekly, good monthly, casual a few times a year. Flexible, not strict.

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Set rhythms.

TIP 7

Time limits are real

We only have so much time. Layers help us use it wisely and kindly.

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Plan time.

TIP 8

People can move between layers

A casual friend can become close over time. A close friend may drift. Both are natural.

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Be open.

TIP 9

Invest where it is mutual

Give more to those who give back. Balance matters.

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Check balance.

TIP 10

Do not feel guilty about layers

Layers are not unkind. They are a map of limited time and different closeness.

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Let go of guilt.

TIP 11

Treat everyone with warmth

Different layers do not mean different respect. Be kind to all.

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Be kind.

TIP 12

Review once a year

Look at your circles every year. Adjust rhythms and invitations.

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Review.

TIP 13

Script: close

You are one of my closest friends, and I treasure you. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: good

I would love to catch up monthly if you are up for it. Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: casual

It is lovely to see you, we should chat more often. Say it lightly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: invite

Would you like to join us for dinner sometime? Say it brightly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for being part of my life. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: expecting equal closeness from everyone

Different people give different levels, so appreciate each for what they offer.

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Be fair.

TIP 19

Mistake: neglecting the close circle

Busy people often forget their closest, so schedule them first.

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Prioritise.

TIP 20

Mistake: ignoring casual friends

Light contact builds community, so say hello now and then.

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Keep warm.

TIP 21

Mistake: forcing a casual friend to be close

Pushing makes people retreat, so let closeness grow naturally.

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Be patient.

TIP 22

Mistake: judging yourself for a small circle

Quality matters most, and many happy people have few close friends.

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Be proud.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when your close circle is empty

Start with good friends and invest time. Closeness grows from shared time.

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Build slowly.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when a close friend drifts

Talk kindly about it and plan time together. Many drifts can be repaired.

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Reach out.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you outgrow a friend

Shift them to a lighter layer with kindness. No drama is needed.

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Shift gently.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when you have too many close friends

You may be stretched. Be honest about your limits and enjoy what you can give.

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Be real.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when family is in the circle

Family can be close or casual too. Treat them as people, not roles.

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Be flexible.

TIP 28

Drill: draw your three rings

Draw your three rings and place ten names. Notice who is missing.

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Draw.

TIP 29

Drill: choose one person to move closer

Pick one good friend and plan one extra meet-up this month.

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Plan it.

TIP 30

Drill: choose one person to keep warm

Pick one casual friend and send a hello this week. Light and easy.

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Do it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

NAME

“She is a close friend.”

PLAN

“I see good friends monthly.”

HONEST

“We are casual friends and that is fine.”

INVITE

“Would you like to join us sometime?”

THANK

“Thanks for being in my life.”

CLOSE

“Each friend has a place.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Draw your circles

DAY 2
Name your close friends

DAY 3
Name good friends

DAY 4
Name casual friends

DAY 5
Set a rhythm for each

DAY 6
Move people gently

DAY 7
Review yearly

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.