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Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 07
LESSON 07 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

Let the Friendship Set the Pace

Thirty-two easy ways to let the friendship set the pace, so you stop counting and start enjoying.

Friendship has its own flow. Follow it with trust.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Let go of clocks
TIP 1

Let go of clocks

Good friendships do not need a stopwatch. When the bond is strong, a gap does not break it.

TRY THIS
Relax.
Photo for the tip: Stop counting
TIP 2

Stop counting

Counting who messaged last creates worry. Notice the warmth instead.

TRY THIS
Let it go.
Photo for the tip: Notice how it feels
TIP 3

Notice how it feels

After contact do you feel lighter or heavier? Your feeling shows if the pace suits.

TRY THIS
Check in.
Photo for the tip: Follow the flow
TIP 4

Follow the flow

Some weeks you talk much, some weeks little. Flow with it.

TRY THIS
Go with it.
Photo for the tip: Trust the bond
TIP 5

Trust the bond

If the friendship is solid, it survives quiet stretches. Trust helps you stay calm.

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Trust.
Photo for the tip: Stay warm in the quiet
TIP 6

Stay warm in the quiet

A tiny hello keeps the warmth during gaps. Do not worry.

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Send small.
Photo for the tip: Let them lead sometimes
TIP 7

Let them lead sometimes

When they start talks, enjoy. When you start, enjoy that too. Balance is natural.

TRY THIS
Share the lead.
Photo for the tip: Notice natural moments
TIP 8

Notice natural moments

Friends often meet around events: birthdays, seasons, sports. Use these moments.

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Use them.
Photo for the tip: Avoid forcing
TIP 9

Avoid forcing

Forced contact feels dull. Reach out when you truly want to.

TRY THIS
Be genuine.
Photo for the tip: Keep an open invitation
TIP 10

Keep an open invitation

Say, I am here when you want to talk. It lowers pressure on both sides.

TRY THIS
Say it.
Photo for the tip: Check in lightly
TIP 11

Check in lightly

Once in a while ask, are we in a good rhythm? It keeps things honest.

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Ask once.
Photo for the tip: Enjoy the friendship
TIP 12

Enjoy the friendship

Focus on joy, not rules. Friends are for happiness.

TRY THIS
Enjoy.
Photo for the tip: Script: noticing
TIP 13

Script: noticing

We both seem happy with this pace, which is nice. Say it warmly.

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Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: trusting
TIP 14

Script: trusting

I know we will connect when we can. Say it calmly.

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Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: open invitation
TIP 15

Script: open invitation

I am here whenever you want to chat, no pressure at all. Say it kindly.

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Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: checking
TIP 16

Script: checking

Does this pace feel good to you? Say it lightly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: closing
TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for such an easy friendship. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: reading silence as rejection
TIP 18

Mistake: reading silence as rejection

Silence is usually busyness, so stay calm.

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Relax.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: forcing a schedule
TIP 19

Mistake: forcing a schedule

Rigid plans feel like work, so keep it flexible.

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Stay loose.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: worrying instead of reaching out
TIP 20

Mistake: worrying instead of reaching out

Worry helps nothing, so send a small hello.

TRY THIS
Act.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you feel anxious about the gap
TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when you feel anxious about the gap

Remind yourself of the bond and send a gentle note. Anxiety eases with action.

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Reach out.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when they seem distant
TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when they seem distant

Ask kindly if all is well and listen. Stay open.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when pace feels uneven
TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when pace feels uneven

Talk about it softly and agree on a rhythm. Adjust together.

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Talk.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you want more contact
TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you want more contact

Say so kindly and offer a plan. Many friends are happy to oblige.

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Ask kindly.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you want less contact
TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you want less contact

Say you value them and need quiet. Offer a slower rhythm.

TRY THIS
Be honest.
Photo for the tip: Drill: stop-counting week
TIP 26

Drill: stop-counting week

For one week do not count messages. Notice how you feel.

TRY THIS
Try it.
Photo for the tip: Drill: notice your joy
TIP 27

Drill: notice your joy

After each contact write a word for how it felt. Look for patterns.

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Note it.
Photo for the tip: Drill: share an open invitation
TIP 28

Drill: share an open invitation

Tell a friend they can reach out any time. Mean it.

TRY THIS
Say it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

NOTICE

“We both seem happy with this pace.”

TRUST

“I know we will connect when we can.”

ENJOY

“I love how easy this is.”

ASK

“Is this pace comfortable for you?”

THANK

“Thanks for the easy friendship.”

CLOSE

“No pressure, always warm.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Stop counting
DAY 2
Notice how it feels
DAY 3
Follow the flow
DAY 4
Trust the bond
DAY 5
Stay warm
DAY 6
Check in lightly
DAY 7
Enjoy it

Further reading

  • Friends (Robin Dunbar)
  • Platonic (Marisa Franco)
  • Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All How Often to Contact Someone lessons
Next lesson: The Weekly Touch for Close Friends →

More lessons in “How Often to Contact Someone”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Quality Beats QuantityNext: The Weekly Touch for Close Friends →

  1. Why Friendship Has a Rhythm
  2. How Often Is Too Often?
  3. How Rare Is Too Rare?
  4. The Friendship Layers: Close, Good and Casual
  5. Match Their Energy, Then Add a Little
  6. Quality Beats Quantity
  7. Let the Friendship Set the Pace
  8. The Weekly Touch for Close Friends
  9. The Monthly Check-In for Good Friends
  10. The Twice-a-Year Hello for Casual Friends
  11. Birthdays, Holidays and Milestones
  12. Keep a Friendship Calendar
  13. The Five-Minute Daily Habit
  14. Use Reminders Without Feeling Fake
  15. Signs They Enjoy Hearing From You
  16. Signs You Are Messaging Too Much
  17. Signs They Need Space
  18. Respect Their Busy Seasons
  19. Notice Reply Time and Tone
  20. Ask What Works for Them
  21. Never Keep Score Aggressively
  22. When a Text Is Enough
  23. When a Call Beats a Message
  24. The Joy of a Surprise Visit
  25. Group Chats Without Chaos
  26. Share a Meme, Make a Memory
  27. Voice Notes for Busy People
  28. Video Calls for Long Distance
  29. When You Always Reach Out First
  30. When Someone Reaches Out Too Much
  31. Talk About It Kindly
  32. Reset a Lopsided Friendship
  33. When a Friend Is Struggling
  34. When You Are Struggling
  35. Friendships Through Busy Seasons
  36. Friendships Through Moves and Changes
  37. Friendships With Different Schedules
  38. Make Plans Far Ahead
  39. Forgive Gaps and Move On
  40. Your Contact Rhythm Plan
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