Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 23

LESSON 23 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

When a Call Beats a Message

Thirty-two easy reasons why a call beats a message, and how to make calls feel simple and warm.

Voices carry feelings. A call can say what texts cannot.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Calls carry warmth

Tone, laughter and pauses tell people you care. Many friends feel closer after a ten-minute call than after fifty texts.

TRY THIS
Try a call.

TIP 2

Calls help with big feelings

Sadness, joy and worry feel clearer when spoken. Call for important things.

TRY THIS
Call.

TIP 3

Calls prevent misunderstandings

Tone is easy to read. You can fix confusion quickly.

TRY THIS
Clarify.

TIP 4

Ask for a good time

Send a text first: do you have a few minutes later? It respects their time.

TRY THIS
Ask first.

TIP 5

Start warmly

Say, it is so good to hear your voice. It sets the tone.

TRY THIS
Open warm.

TIP 6

Share and listen

Balance talking and listening. Ask questions and respond.

TRY THIS
Balance.

TIP 7

Keep it short if needed

Ten or fifteen minutes still count. Quality over length.

TRY THIS
Be brief.

TIP 8

Use video if you like

Seeing faces adds warmth. Use video for important catch-ups.

TRY THIS
Try video.

TIP 9

Walk and talk

Walking while on the phone is relaxing. Fresh air helps.

TRY THIS
Walk.

TIP 10

End kindly

Say thank you and what you enjoyed. A warm end feels good.

TRY THIS
Close well.

TIP 11

Plan the next call

Say, same time next week? Habits help.

TRY THIS
Plan.

TIP 12

Respect voicemail

If no answer, leave a short warm message. They will call back.

TRY THIS
Leave one.

TIP 13

Script: asking

Do you have a few minutes to chat later today? Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: opening

It is so good to hear your voice! Say it warmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: sharing

I wanted to tell you something and hear what you think. Say it sincerely.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: ending

I loved our chat, let us do it again soon. Say it cheerfully.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: voicemail

Hi, it is Sam, just saying hello, call me when you can. Say it brightly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: calling without asking

Surprise calls may catch them at a bad time, so check first.

TRY THIS
Text first.

TIP 19

Mistake: talking too long

Long calls can tire people, so watch their energy.

TRY THIS
Check in.

TIP 20

Mistake: calling only with problems

Mix in happy calls, so contact stays uplifting.

TRY THIS
Add joy.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when you dislike calls

Start with voice notes or short ten-minute calls. Practise.

TRY THIS
Start small.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you feel nervous

Write three points, breathe and call. Nerves pass.

TRY THIS
Prepare.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when they do not answer

Send a text: tried to call, ring me when free. No pressure.

TRY THIS
Be easy.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when time zones differ

Agree on a weekly time. Use a converter.

TRY THIS
Plan.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when the line is poor

Switch to a messaging app or call back later. Flexibility helps.

TRY THIS
Adapt.

TIP 26

Drill: make one call this week

Call one friend you usually text. Note how it feels.

TRY THIS
Call.

TIP 27

Drill: write call openers

Write three warm openers for calls. Use them.

TRY THIS
Write.

TIP 28

Drill: set a weekly call

Plan a weekly call with a close friend. Put it in your calendar.

TRY THIS
Schedule.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

ASK

“Do you have a few minutes to chat?”

WARM

“It is so good to hear your voice.”

SHARE

“I wanted to tell you something.”

LISTEN

“Tell me more.”

THANK

“Thanks for talking.”

CLOSE

“Let us do this again.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Ask for a good time

DAY 2
Start warmly

DAY 3
Share and listen

DAY 4
Keep it short if needed

DAY 5
End kindly

DAY 6
Plan the next call

DAY 7
Reflect

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.