Use Reminders Without Feeling Fake
Thirty-two easy ways to use reminders without feeling fake, because being organised is a way of caring.
A reminder is a helper, not a trick. Real care can use tools.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Reminders help caring
Busy minds forget even people they love. A reminder carries your intention into action.
Use them.
Admit it is a tool
Knowing reminders help you care takes away the fake feeling. They support your values.
Reframe.
Set gentle reminders
Use soft alerts at good times. Avoid too many.
Set a few.
Name the person and action
Write Message Sam about her exam. A clear note makes it easy.
Be clear.
Add a personal touch
When the alert rings, add a detail to your message. That makes it yours.
Personalise.
Send with real feeling
Pause, think of the person and then write. Feeling turns a reminder into care.
Feel it.
Mix in spontaneous notes
Besides reminders, send random notes when someone pops into your mind. Both work.
Do both.
Do not use a robotic template
Copy-paste messages feel fake, so change a few words.
Edit.
Use reminders for hard dates
Anniversaries, exams and medical appointments need care. Remind yourself.
Mark them.
Share the habit
Tell friends you use reminders. Many will say they do too.
Be open.
Review your reminders
Remove ones that feel heavy. Keep what brings joy.
Prune.
Be kind about your forgetfulness
Everyone forgets. Reminders are a kind answer.
Be gentle.
Script: setting
Remind me to message Sam about her exam on Thursday. Say it to your phone.
Use it.
Script: honest
I set a reminder because I really wanted to check on you. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: forgot
I forgot until my reminder rang, and I am so glad it did. Say it lightly.
Use it.
Script: calendar
I have you in my calendar, so let us pick a date. Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for understanding how busy life gets. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: sending messages that feel automated
Automatic text feels cold, so add one real detail.
Personalise.
Mistake: setting too many alerts
Too many get ignored, so keep to the key ones.
Prune.
Mistake: hiding that you use reminders
Hiding adds guilt, so be at ease about your tools.
Be open.
Mistake: ignoring reminders
Ignored alerts teach you to ignore, so act or snooze with care.
Act.
Mistake: using reminders to avoid real feeling
Pair tools with real care, so think of the person.
Feel it.
Troubleshoot: when it feels fake
Remember your goal is to care. Tools are just helpers.
Reframe.
Troubleshoot: when you get overwhelmed
Reduce reminders to your closest ten people. Fewer is fine.
Reduce.
Troubleshoot: when the reminder rings at a bad time
Snooze for two hours, not two weeks. Then do it.
Snooze briefly.
Troubleshoot: when you worry they will find out
It is fine. Most friends will appreciate your effort.
Relax.
Troubleshoot: when you forget to open the app
Link it to a habit like Sunday tea. Cues help.
Add a cue.
Drill: set three reminders
Set three reminders with names today. Act on the first.
Set them.
Drill: personalise a template
Take a template and add one detail for three friends. Compare.
Try it.
Drill: review in a month
After a month review which reminders helped. Keep those.
Review.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Reminder: message Sam today.”
“I set a reminder because I care.”
“I forgot, but I wanted to say hi.”
“I have you in my calendar.”
“Thanks for understanding.”
“I am glad I remembered.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Admit it is a tool
Set gentle reminders
Add a personal touch
Send with feeling
Skip the guilt
Mix in spontaneous notes
Review
Further reading
- Friends (Robin Dunbar)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
- Together (Vivek Murthy)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How Often to Contact Someone”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: The Five-Minute Daily HabitNext: Signs They Enjoy Hearing From You →
- Why Friendship Has a Rhythm
- How Often Is Too Often?
- How Rare Is Too Rare?
- The Friendship Layers: Close, Good and Casual
- Match Their Energy, Then Add a Little
- Quality Beats Quantity
- Let the Friendship Set the Pace
- The Weekly Touch for Close Friends
- The Monthly Check-In for Good Friends
- The Twice-a-Year Hello for Casual Friends
- Birthdays, Holidays and Milestones
- Keep a Friendship Calendar
- The Five-Minute Daily Habit
- Use Reminders Without Feeling Fake
- Signs They Enjoy Hearing From You
- Signs You Are Messaging Too Much
- Signs They Need Space
- Respect Their Busy Seasons
- Notice Reply Time and Tone
- Ask What Works for Them
- Never Keep Score Aggressively
- When a Text Is Enough
- When a Call Beats a Message
- The Joy of a Surprise Visit
- Group Chats Without Chaos
- Share a Meme, Make a Memory
- Voice Notes for Busy People
- Video Calls for Long Distance
- When You Always Reach Out First
- When Someone Reaches Out Too Much
- Talk About It Kindly
- Reset a Lopsided Friendship
- When a Friend Is Struggling
- When You Are Struggling
- Friendships Through Busy Seasons
- Friendships Through Moves and Changes
- Friendships With Different Schedules
- Make Plans Far Ahead
- Forgive Gaps and Move On
- Your Contact Rhythm Plan
