Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 31

LESSON 31 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

Talk About It Kindly

Thirty-two easy ways to talk about imbalance kindly, so honest words bring you closer, not apart.

Honest talk heals friendships. Start with care.

27 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

27 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Honesty protects friendship

Unspoken hurt grows into distance. A kind talk can bring relief and closeness.

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Be brave.

TIP 2

Choose a calm moment

Do not start in the middle of an argument or a busy day. Ask, is now a good time?

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Ask first.

TIP 3

Choose the right way

Face to face or a call is best. Avoid texts for tender topics.

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Choose well.

TIP 4

Start with care

Say, our friendship matters to me, and I want to share something. Care opens hearts.

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Open warm.

TIP 5

Use I statements

Say, I feel a bit unsure when I always start plans. Avoid you never.

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Use I.

TIP 6

Be specific and brief

Give one or two examples. Keep it short.

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Be clear.

TIP 7

Say what you need

Say, I would love it if we took turns planning. Clear requests help.

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Ask.

TIP 8

Ask for their view

Say, how do you see it? Listen without interrupting.

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Listen.

TIP 9

Accept their feelings

They may feel surprised or hurt. Stay kind.

TRY THIS
Be gentle.

TIP 10

Find a small change

Agree on one step, like alternating who messages. Easy to try.

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Agree.

TIP 11

Thank them

Thank them for listening. It was brave for both.

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Thank.

TIP 12

Follow up

Check in later: has this felt better? Keep the talk alive.

TRY THIS
Check.

TIP 13

Script: opening

Our friendship matters to me, can I share something with you? Say it warmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: feeling

I feel a little unsure when I am always the one who starts. Say it gently.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: need

I would love it if we took turns planning. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: asking

How do you see it? I really want to hear. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for listening, I am glad we talked. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: attacking

Blame ends talks, so stay kind and curious.

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Be gentle.

TIP 19

Mistake: bringing up everything

One topic is enough, so keep to the point.

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Focus.

TIP 20

Troubleshoot: when they get defensive

Stay calm and repeat your care. Take a break and return.

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Pause.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when they say you are wrong

Listen and share your feeling again without arguing. Feelings are valid.

TRY THIS
Stay calm.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you cry

Allow it, pause and continue gently. Tears show care.

TRY THIS
Be kind.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when they go quiet

Give time and check in later. Silence can be thinking.

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Wait.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when nothing changes

Decide how much to invest. You have choices.

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Decide.

TIP 25

Drill: write what you want to say

Write your points in three lines. Rehearse aloud.

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Write.

TIP 26

Drill: practise with a friend

Role-play the talk with a trusted friend. Get feedback.

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Rehearse.

TIP 27

Drill: plan the setting

Pick a calm place and time for your talk. Prepare tea.

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Plan.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

OPEN

“Can I share something with you?”

FEEL

“I feel a little unsure lately.”

NEED

“I would love more balance.”

ASK

“What do you think?”

THANK

“Thanks for listening.”

CLOSE

“I am glad we talked.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Choose a calm time

DAY 2
Start with care

DAY 3
Use I statements

DAY 4
Be specific and brief

DAY 5
Ask for their view

DAY 6
Find a small change

DAY 7
Thank them

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.