LESSON 22 · BODY LANGUAGE

Crossed Arms Do Not Always Mean No

Thirty-two ways to avoid misreading crossed arms, because they rarely mean what we fear they mean.

One signal is a clue, not a verdict. Ask before you assume.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Presence (Amy Cuddy), What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro), The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

One signal is a clue, not a verdict

Crossed arms can mean many things: cold, comfort, thinking, holding a baby, resting or feeling defensive. Reading a single gesture as proof of a feeling often leads to errors, so use it as a prompt to be curious, not a conclusion.

TRY THIS
Next time you see crossed arms, think of three possible reasons.

TIP 2

The classic myth

Popular guides often say crossed arms mean someone is closed or disagreeing. Research on body language reading shows that individual gestures are ambiguous and depend on context, so treat the old rule with caution.

TRY THIS
Hold the myth lightly.

TIP 3

Look for clusters

A cluster of signals, such as crossed arms plus leaning away, a tight jaw and short answers, tells you more than one sign. Look at the whole picture.

TRY THIS
Look for at least three signals before drawing a conclusion.

TIP 4

Look for changes

A change from relaxed to crossed during a conversation is more informative than a fixed position. Notice what was said just before.

TRY THIS
Notice what happened before the change.

TIP 5

Know their baseline

Some people cross their arms as a habit. Knowing how they usually sit helps you avoid misreading.

TRY THIS
Observe their usual posture.

TIP 6

Consider the temperature

Cold rooms make people cross their arms and hug themselves. Warm the room or offer a layer before assuming anything.

TRY THIS
Check the room temperature.

TIP 7

Consider comfort

Crossed arms can simply be comfortable, especially when sitting for long periods.

TRY THIS
Do not assume discomfort.

TIP 8

Consider concentration

Many people cross their arms when concentrating or thinking. It may mean they are engaged.

TRY THIS
Give them time.

TIP 9

Consider culture

In some cultures, folded arms signal respect or attentiveness. Do not apply one rule everywhere.

TRY THIS
Learn local meanings.

TIP 10

Consider body type and clothing

Some people find crossed arms natural because of their shape or clothes.

TRY THIS
Be sensitive.

TIP 11

Ask a kind question

If you wonder, ask: “How does this sound to you?” It invites honesty without accusation.

TRY THIS
Ask.

TIP 12

Check in on the mood

“Would you like to take a break?” gives the person a chance to say how they feel.

TRY THIS
Offer a break.

TIP 13

Open your own posture

If you want to put someone at ease, relax your own body, open your palms and soften your face. They often follow.

TRY THIS
Open yourself.

TIP 14

Offer a prop

A cup of tea or a notebook gives people something to hold and may change their posture.

TRY THIS
Offer a drink.

TIP 15

Change the setting

A walk, a different seat or a table can alter the mood. Try a change.

TRY THIS
Suggest a walk.

TIP 16

Slow down

If you suspect resistance, slow your speech and pause. Give space.

TRY THIS
Slow down.

TIP 17

Listen more

Invite the person to share their thoughts. People often uncross when heard.

TRY THIS
Ask for their view.

TIP 18

Scene: a meeting

A colleague with crossed arms may be thinking. Ask for their input rather than assuming disagreement.

TRY THIS
Invite comments.

TIP 19

Scene: an interview

A candidate or interviewer with crossed arms may be cold or focused. Stay warm and open.

TRY THIS
Stay open.

TIP 20

Scene: a date

Crossed arms may be shyness or cold. Smile, relax and ask gentle questions.

TRY THIS
Be warm.

TIP 21

Scene: a family discussion

Crossed arms in tense talks may signal defensiveness. Soften your tone and listen.

TRY THIS
Soften.

TIP 22

Scene: a negotiation

Crossed arms could be strategic or simply habit. Watch other cues and ask questions.

TRY THIS
Ask questions.

TIP 23

Scene: a classroom

Students with crossed arms may be tired or cold. Check in kindly.

TRY THIS
Check in.

TIP 24

Scene: a customer service desk

A customer with crossed arms may feel frustrated. Offer help and a kind tone.

TRY THIS
Offer help.

TIP 25

Scene: at a party

Crossed arms at a party may mean shyness. Introduce them to others.

TRY THIS
Include them.

TIP 26

Scene: on video

Crossed arms on camera may just be comfort. Do not over-read small windows.

TRY THIS
Be gentle.

TIP 27

Your own crossed arms

If you cross your arms, others may read it as closed. Uncross when you want to look open, and cross when you want comfort.

TRY THIS
Check your arms.

TIP 28

Cross for comfort in private

In private or relaxed settings, cross your arms freely. It is only a gesture.

TRY THIS
Be comfortable.

TIP 29

Do not accuse

Never say “You are being defensive”. Say “I might have said that badly, how does it sound?”

TRY THIS
Be kind.

TIP 30

Do not mirror to mock

Copying someone’s crossed arms in a teasing way can feel hostile. Mirror gently or not at all.

TRY THIS
Do not tease.

TIP 31

Do not stare at arms

Staring at someone’s arms can make them self-conscious. Look at their face.

TRY THIS
Look at the face.

TIP 32

Do not over-trust books

Body language books can be useful but over-simplify. Stay humble.

TRY THIS
Read critically.

TIP 33

Learn from research

Researchers such as David Matsumoto warn that reading emotions from single cues is unreliable. Context is key.

TRY THIS
Stay curious.

TIP 34

Learn about baselines

Professionals in fields like policing and negotiation stress baseline and clusters. Borrow their caution.

TRY THIS
Use baselines.

TIP 35

Practise observing

Watch conversations in public and describe what you see without judging. Train neutral observation.

TRY THIS
Practise for five minutes.

TIP 36

Reflect on mistakes

Think of a time you misread someone. What did you learn?

TRY THIS
Write one lesson.

TIP 37

Be kind

Assume the best until shown otherwise.

TRY THIS
Be generous.

TIP 38

Celebrate curiosity

Each time you ask instead of assuming, you build trust. Enjoy it.

TRY THIS
Note a time you asked.

TIP 39

Cross your own arms with awareness

If you like to cross your arms, you can do it and add an open face, a warm voice and a smile. The rest of you can reassure people that crossed arms are only comfort.

TRY THIS
Smile and soften your voice next time you cross your arms.

TIP 40

Let people's body language soften with yours

People often mirror each other. If you relax your shoulders, uncross your arms and speak calmly, the other person often relaxes too, with no words needed.

TRY THIS
Relax your own posture first when a conversation feels tense.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

CHECK

“Are you comfortable?”

ASK

“Is there anything on your mind?”

WARM

“Shall we grab a warmer spot?”

OFFER

“Can I get you a drink?”

THANK

“Thanks for telling me.”

“I appreciate your honesty.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Look at the context

DAY 2
Check other signals

DAY 3
Know their baseline

DAY 4
Ask kindly

DAY 5
Adjust your approach

DAY 6
Stay curious

DAY 7
Do not judge fast

More lessons in “Body Language”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: The Power of Staying Still Next: Spot Comfort and Discomfort →