Ask Instead of Assuming
Thirty-two ways to ask instead of assuming, the simplest habit that makes you better at reading people.
Questions beat guesses every time. Curiosity is kinder than certainty.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Presence (Amy Cuddy), What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro), The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Questions beat guesses every time
When you are unsure what someone feels or means, asking a simple question is almost always better than guessing. Questions show care, reduce misunderstandings and give people a chance to speak for themselves.
Replace your next guess with a question.
Guesses can hurt
Assuming someone is bored, angry or unwell can offend or push them away. Even a correct guess can feel intrusive if said bluntly.
Ask rather than tell.
Use open questions
“How are you finding this?” invites a full answer, while “Are you bored?” invites defence.
Choose open.
Use gentle wording
“I may be wrong, but you seem a bit quiet, is everything okay?” is kind and humble.
Soften.
Use curious tone
A warm, curious voice makes questions easy to answer.
Be warm.
Time it well
Ask in private and when the person has time. Avoid asking in a crowd.
Choose a moment.
Give choices
“Would you like to talk about it, or shall we take a break?” gives control.
Offer.
Accept any answer
If they say “I am fine”, respect it and leave the door open: “Okay, I am here if that changes.”
Respect.
Follow up later
A later check-in shows lasting care.
Follow up.
Check your assumptions
Before you ask, notice what you assume and set it aside.
Notice.
Scene: a meeting
If someone looks puzzled, say “Is anything unclear?”
Ask.
Scene: a friend seems off
Say “You seem a bit quiet today. How are you?”
Ask kindly.
Scene: a partner is distant
Ask “Is something on your mind?” without blame.
Be gentle.
Scene: a child is unusually quiet
Ask “Did something happen today?” and wait.
Listen.
Scene: a customer is frowning
Ask “Is there something I can help with?”
Offer help.
Scene: a date looks uncomfortable
Ask “Are you comfortable? We can change the plan.”
Be kind.
Scene: a teammate is silent
Ask “What do you think?” It invites them in.
Include.
Scene: an elder looks tired
Ask “Would you like to rest?”
Offer.
Scene: on a call
Ask “Can everyone hear me?” and “Any questions?”
Check.
Scene: after sending a message
Ask “Did that come across right?” if tone is unclear.
Check.
Scene: when you apologise
Ask “What would help you now?”
Listen.
Scene: when you give feedback
Ask “How does that sound to you?”
Invite.
Scene: when you plan together
Ask “What would work for you?”
Share.
Scene: when you are unsure
Ask “Can you help me understand?”
Be open.
Scene: when you disagree
Ask “Can you tell me more about your view?”
Be curious.
Scene: when you receive bad news
Ask questions before reacting.
Gather facts.
Do not interrogate
One or two questions are enough. Too many feel intrusive.
Keep it light.
Do not ask leading questions
“You are upset, right?” pushes. Ask neutral ones.
Stay neutral.
Do not ask "why" aggressively
“Why did you do that?” can sound blaming. Use “What led to that?”
Soften.
Do not ask and then argue
If you ask, listen to the answer.
Listen.
Do not ask to prove a point
Ask to understand.
Be sincere.
Do not ask when angry
Wait until you are calm.
Cool down.
Practise asking
Start with low-stakes questions. Ask a colleague how their weekend was and listen.
Practise.
Practise listening
Listen to the answer without planning your reply.
Listen.
Practise humility
Say “I do not know” and “Help me understand”.
Be humble.
Practise follow-ups
A good question leads to another. Be curious.
Follow up.
Practise silence
Wait after you ask. Many people need time.
Wait.
Reflect
After a conversation, think about the questions you asked. Which opened doors?
Note one.
Be patient
Asking becomes natural with time.
Keep going.
Celebrate understanding
When a question leads to real understanding, enjoy it.
Note it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“Can I check something with you?”
“I am curious how you see it.”
“Did you mean this or that?”
“Please correct me if I am wrong.”
“Thank you for explaining.”
“That helps me understand.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice your guess
Turn it into a question
Ask openly
Listen to the answer
Thank them
Update your view
Repeat
Further reading
- Presence (Amy Cuddy)
- What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro)
- The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Body Language”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Read Before You ReactNext: The Ten-Second Entrance →
- Your Posture Is Your First Sentence
- Stand Tall Without Stiffness
- The Open-Shoulder Reset
- Walk Into a Room Like You Belong
- Where to Put Your Hands
- Take Up Your Fair Share of Space
- Sit Like You Mean It
- The Warm Face Habit
- Smile With Your Eyes
- What Your Face Says When You Are Nervous
- Relax Your Jaw and Your Brow
- Look Interested Without Trying Hard
- Look Confident on Video Calls
- Read a Room by Reading Faces
- Open Palms Build Trust
- Gesture Between Shoulders and Waist
- Stop Fidgeting Without Effort
- Stop Touching Your Face
- Match Your Gestures to Your Words
- Hands in Pockets: Yes or No?
- The Power of Staying Still
- Crossed Arms Do Not Always Mean No
- Spot Comfort and Discomfort
- Notice Feet and Direction
- Mirror Gently to Build Rapport
- Check Words Against Body
- Read Before You React
- Ask Instead of Assuming
- The Ten-Second Entrance
- A Handshake That Says Yes
- Dress to Feel Like Yourself
- Greet First, Smile First
- Be Fully Present With One Person
- Leave a Warm Last Impression
- Body Language in a Job Interview
- Body Language on a First Date
- Body Language on Camera
- Body Language in Groups
- Body Language When Giving Bad News
- Your Daily Presence Practice
