A Handshake That Says Yes
Thirty-two ways to give a handshake that says yes, firm, warm and brief, with the right look and smile.
A handshake is a ten-second conversation. Make it a warm one.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Presence (Amy Cuddy), What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro), The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
A handshake is a ten-second conversation
In just a few seconds, a handshake can say “I am glad to meet you, I am confident and I respect you”. A good one is firm, warm, brief and comes with a smile and eye contact.
Plan a handshake with a look and a smile at your next meeting.
Offer your whole hand
Reach out with an open hand, thumb up, fingers together, and slide into the other person’s palm so that the webs of your thumbs touch. That gives a full, comfortable grip.
Practise the grip on a friend.
Match the pressure
A firm grip is good, but crushing is not. Match their pressure and avoid a limp, fish-like hand.
Aim for medium firm.
Keep it brief
Shake for about two to three seconds, with two or three gentle pumps. Longer can feel awkward.
Count two or three.
Look at their eyes
Eye contact makes a handshake feel sincere. Do not look at your hands.
Look up.
Smile
A smile makes the handshake warm. Smile as you meet.
Smile.
Say their name
“Nice to meet you, Priya” with a handshake makes it personal.
Use their name.
Say your name clearly
“I am Sam” with a clear voice helps them remember.
Be clear.
Keep your hand dry
Wipe your hand on your clothing beforehand if it is damp. Keep tissues handy.
Dry your palm.
Keep your hand warm
Cold hands feel unpleasant. Warm them before greetings.
Warm them.
Stand to shake
Standing when you shake shows respect. If seated, rise if you can.
Stand.
Step in a little
Leave a comfortable distance but step in slightly to shake. A stretched arm looks nervous.
Step in a half-step.
Do not grip too hard
A bone-crusher can hurt and look aggressive. Moderate.
Soften.
Do not be limp
A very weak handshake can look uninterested. Add a little firmness.
Strengthen.
Do not pull them toward you
Pulling the other person can feel dominating. Keep neutral.
Stay neutral.
Do not cover with your other hand unless close
The “double clasp” can feel intimate or controlling with strangers. Use it with friends.
Use one hand.
Do not hold too long
Let go after a few seconds. Holding on is awkward.
Release on time.
Do not wipe afterwards
Wiping your hand after a shake can seem rude.
Stay natural.
Do not forget culture
In some cultures a bow, a nod or a hand on the heart is preferred. Observe and follow.
Check customs.
Do not assume
Not everyone shakes hands, for cultural, religious or health reasons. Wait for the other person’s lead.
Respect choices.
Offer alternatives
If someone declines a handshake, smile and offer a nod or a wave. No offence.
Be gracious.
Scene: a job interview
Stand, smile, look and shake once at the start and end. Keep it confident.
Practise.
Scene: a business meeting
Shake hands with everyone in turn. Take time with each.
Include all.
Scene: a social event
A quick handshake with a smile and name is friendly. Do not overthink.
Be relaxed.
Scene: meeting someone older
Wait for them to offer, and give a respectful, gentle grip.
Be gentle.
Scene: meeting someone with a disability
Offer your left hand if their right hand is not available, or ask what they prefer. Follow their lead.
Ask kindly.
Scene: meeting a child
Get to their level and offer your hand slowly. Let them decide.
Be gentle.
Scene: in a pandemic or illness
Use alternatives such as a wave or a nod when health requires. It is considerate.
Be considerate.
Scene: on video
Offer a smile and a wave instead. A hand on your heart works too.
Wave.
Scene: when your hands are full
Free a hand or say “Forgive me, my hands are full.” Smile.
Be gracious.
Scene: when your hands are cold
Say “Cold hands, warm heart!” with a smile. Humour helps.
Be light.
Scene: when you are nervous
Slow breath, soft knees and a smile. The handshake is a ten-second gift.
Breathe.
Scene: when you forget their name
Smile, shake and say “Forgive me, remind me of your name?”
Be honest.
Scene: when saying goodbye
Shake again with a smile and a “Lovely to meet you”. Finish well.
End kindly.
Practise with friends
Ask a friend to rate your handshake and give feedback. Practise until it feels natural.
Practise.
Practise with family
Shake hands with a family member playfully. Notice the grip.
Try it.
Practise in the mirror
Practise your posture, smile and offer.
Mirror.
Reflect
After handshakes, think about how they felt.
Note.
Celebrate a good shake
Enjoy it when a handshake feels warm and mutual.
Note one.
Handshakes and first impressions
A well-known set of studies by Greg Stewart and colleagues found that interviewees with firmer handshakes made better impressions. A good handshake helps, but warmth and eye contact matter just as much.
Combine a firm, friendly grip with a warm look.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“Hello, it is a pleasure to meet you.”
“I am Sam, nice to meet you.”
“It is lovely to see you again.”
“How have you been?”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Take care.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Offer your hand early
Match the grip
Look at their eyes
Smile
Shake two or three times
Release smoothly
Say their name
Further reading
- Presence (Amy Cuddy)
- What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro)
- The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Body Language”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: The Ten-Second EntranceNext: Dress to Feel Like Yourself →
- Your Posture Is Your First Sentence
- Stand Tall Without Stiffness
- The Open-Shoulder Reset
- Walk Into a Room Like You Belong
- Where to Put Your Hands
- Take Up Your Fair Share of Space
- Sit Like You Mean It
- The Warm Face Habit
- Smile With Your Eyes
- What Your Face Says When You Are Nervous
- Relax Your Jaw and Your Brow
- Look Interested Without Trying Hard
- Look Confident on Video Calls
- Read a Room by Reading Faces
- Open Palms Build Trust
- Gesture Between Shoulders and Waist
- Stop Fidgeting Without Effort
- Stop Touching Your Face
- Match Your Gestures to Your Words
- Hands in Pockets: Yes or No?
- The Power of Staying Still
- Crossed Arms Do Not Always Mean No
- Spot Comfort and Discomfort
- Notice Feet and Direction
- Mirror Gently to Build Rapport
- Check Words Against Body
- Read Before You React
- Ask Instead of Assuming
- The Ten-Second Entrance
- A Handshake That Says Yes
- Dress to Feel Like Yourself
- Greet First, Smile First
- Be Fully Present With One Person
- Leave a Warm Last Impression
- Body Language in a Job Interview
- Body Language on a First Date
- Body Language on Camera
- Body Language in Groups
- Body Language When Giving Bad News
- Your Daily Presence Practice
