Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
Thirty-two easy ways to talk to yourself like a friend after a rejection, so kindness becomes your first reflex.
Be your own best friend. Kind words help you try again.
29 tips that really help
These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Kindness helps recovery
Researchers on self-compassion find that kind self-talk lowers distress and helps people try again. Harshness makes people hide.
Choose kind.
Notice harsh words
Listen to how you speak to yourself after a snub. Would you say it to a friend?
Write one harsh line.
Ask what a friend would say
Imagine your best friend in your situation. Write what you would tell them.
Write it.
Say it to yourself
Read your friend-words aloud. It may feel odd, and that is fine.
Say them.
Use a gentle tone
Soften your inner voice. Tone matters as much as words.
Soften it.
Put a hand on your heart
Touch calms the body. A hand on your chest tells you that you are cared for.
Try it.
Use short kind phrases
This is hard, and I am doing my best. Short and true.
Pick one.
Remember common humanity
Everyone gets rejected. You are not alone.
Say it.
Encourage, do not punish
Encouragement helps people try again. Punishment makes them avoid.
Encourage.
Give yourself credit
Notice what you did well, even small. End the day with one kind note.
Write it.
Ask what you need
Rest, food, a hug, a call? Then give it.
Answer honestly.
Be honest and kind
Kind does not mean lying. Say, I made a mistake, and I can learn.
Mix both.
Script: soothing
It is okay, you did your best. Say it softly.
Use it.
Script: encouraging
You can try again when you feel ready. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: understanding
Anyone would feel hurt in this situation. Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: asking
What do I need right now? Say it like a caring friend.
Use it.
Script: closing
I am on my own side today. Say it with a smile.
Use it.
Mistake: fake praise
Praise must be true, so choose real words.
Be honest.
Mistake: expecting instant change
It grows with practice, so be patient.
Repeat.
Mistake: kind only when you succeed
Be kind when you fail too, because that is when it counts.
Practise then.
Mistake: copying others’ words
Use words that fit you, so make them yours.
Personalise.
Troubleshoot: when it feels silly
Silly is okay. Try it in private first.
Start small.
Troubleshoot: when you do not believe the words
Choose smaller true words like this is hard. Believable words work.
Lower the bar.
Troubleshoot: when harsh words return
Notice, breathe and repeat the kind line. No need to win.
Repeat.
Troubleshoot: when harsh voices come from childhood
Be patient and consider a counsellor to heal old patterns. You can change.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when you feel you do not deserve it
You deserve kindness because you are human. Say it again.
Repeat.
Drill: the friend letter
Write a short note to yourself as a caring friend. Read it daily.
Write.
Drill: three kind lines
Write three kind lines for hard moments and save them on your phone.
Save.
Drill: day-end thanks
Before sleep, thank yourself for one thing. Notice the change.
Try tonight.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“It is okay, you did your best.”
“You can try again.”
“Anyone would feel this.”
“What do I need now?”
“Well done for being brave.”
“I am on my own side.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice harsh words
Ask what a friend would say
Use gentle words
Speak slowly
Put a hand on your heart
Give yourself credit
Repeat
Further reading
- Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
- Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Deal With Rejection”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Wait a Day Before Deciding What It MeansNext: Keep Reaching Out to Others →
- Your Brain Treats Social Pain as Real Pain
- Why a Cancelled Plan Feels So Big
- The Stories We Tell After a Snub
- Rejection Is Usually About Fit, Not Worth
- Why It Hurts Even More When You Care
- Everyone Has Been Left Out
- Rejection Sensitivity: Know Yours
- Breathe and Feel It for Five Minutes
- Do Not Send the Angry Message
- Reach Out to a Safe Person
- Do Something Kind for Yourself
- Get Moving and Change Your Scene
- Write It Down, Then Let It Rest
- Remember Who Does Care
- When a Friend Cancels Again and Again
- When You Are Not Invited
- When Someone Ghosts You
- When a New Friend Pulls Away
- When a Group Shuts You Out
- When a Friend Chooses Someone Else
- When Your Invitation Is Declined
- Separate the Facts From the Fear
- Consider Kinder Explanations
- Do Not Assume the Worst
- Ask Gently Instead of Guessing
- Notice Your Attachment Patterns
- Stop Reading Too Much Into Texts
- Wait a Day Before Deciding What It Means
- Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
- Keep Reaching Out to Others
- Do Not Stop Trying After One No
- Build a Wider Circle So No One Friend Carries All
- Practise Being Rejected in Small Ways
- Celebrate Every Brave Invite
- Learn From Honest Feedback
- Know When to Move On
- Let Go With Grace
- Stay Kind to People Who Reject You
- Rebuild Trust After a Hurt
- Your Rejection Recovery Plan
