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Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 25
LESSON 25 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

Ask Gently Instead of Guessing

Thirty-two easy ways to ask gently instead of guessing, the simplest cure for most friendship worries.

A kind question beats a long worry. Ask softly.

29 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan
Start with tip 1
Jump to the 7-day plan

29 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

Photo for the tip: Questions end guessing
TIP 1

Questions end guessing

Most worries come from not knowing. A kind question replaces fear with facts.

TRY THIS
Ask.
Photo for the tip: Notice your worry
TIP 2

Notice your worry

Name the specific thing that is bothering you. A clear worry makes a clear question.

TRY THIS
Name it.
Photo for the tip: Choose a calm time
TIP 3

Choose a calm time

Do not ask in a hurry or in anger. Ask, is now a good time?

TRY THIS
Ask first.
Photo for the tip: Start with care
TIP 4

Start with care

Say, I value our friendship, and I wanted to check something. Care opens ears.

TRY THIS
Open warm.
Photo for the tip: Ask one question
TIP 5

Ask one question

Do not stack questions. Ask the main one.

TRY THIS
Keep it simple.
Photo for the tip: Own your part
TIP 6

Own your part

Say, I might be overthinking, but I wondered. Humility lowers defences.

TRY THIS
Be humble.
Photo for the tip: Use I statements
TIP 7

Use I statements

Say, I felt worried when. Avoid you never.

TRY THIS
Use I.
Photo for the tip: Offer a way out
TIP 8

Offer a way out

Say, no pressure to answer right away. People relax.

TRY THIS
Add it.
Photo for the tip: Listen to the answer
TIP 9

Listen to the answer

Let them speak without interruption. Their view may surprise you.

TRY THIS
Listen.
Photo for the tip: Accept the answer
TIP 10

Accept the answer

If they say all is fine, believe them kindly. Do not interrogate.

TRY THIS
Trust.
Photo for the tip: Thank them
TIP 11

Thank them

Thanks for telling me. It closes the loop.

TRY THIS
Thank.
Photo for the tip: Follow up if needed
TIP 12

Follow up if needed

If worry remains, check again later. Calm repetition is fine.

TRY THIS
Check later.
Photo for the tip: Script: asking
TIP 13

Script: asking

Is everything okay between us? I wanted to check. Say it gently.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: owning
TIP 14

Script: owning

I might be reading too much into this, but I wondered. Say it humbly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: no pressure
TIP 15

Script: no pressure

No pressure to answer right away, I just care. Say it softly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: listening
TIP 16

Script: listening

Please tell me how you see it, I really want to hear. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Script: closing
TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for telling me, that clears things up. Say it sincerely.

TRY THIS
Use it.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: asking in anger
TIP 18

Mistake: asking in anger

Anger turns questions into attacks, so calm first.

TRY THIS
Cool down.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: asking by text for big issues
TIP 19

Mistake: asking by text for big issues

Text hides tone, so call or meet.

TRY THIS
Switch.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: asking many people
TIP 20

Mistake: asking many people

It spreads drama, so ask the person.

TRY THIS
Be direct.
Photo for the tip: Mistake: not believing their answer
TIP 21

Mistake: not believing their answer

Doubting constantly harms trust, so accept kindly.

TRY THIS
Trust.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when they say nothing is wrong but seem distant
TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when they say nothing is wrong but seem distant

Say, okay, I am here if you want to talk. Give time.

TRY THIS
Stay open.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when they get defensive
TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when they get defensive

Stay calm and repeat your care. Take a break and return.

TRY THIS
Stay calm.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when you are afraid to ask
TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you are afraid to ask

Write your question first, breathe and send a gentle version. Courage grows.

TRY THIS
Start small.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when the answer hurts
TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when the answer hurts

Thank them for honesty and take time to process. You can handle truth.

TRY THIS
Breathe.
Photo for the tip: Troubleshoot: when they do not answer
TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when they do not answer

Wait a few days, then let it be. Not every question gets an answer.

TRY THIS
Be patient.
Photo for the tip: Drill: write your question
TIP 27

Drill: write your question

Write a gentle question for one worry and say it aloud. Use it.

TRY THIS
Write.
Photo for the tip: Drill: practise the opener
TIP 28

Drill: practise the opener

Practise saying I value our friendship and wanted to check something. Make it natural.

TRY THIS
Practise.
Photo for the tip: Drill: ask one worry this week
TIP 29

Drill: ask one worry this week

Ask one small worry gently this week. Note the relief.

TRY THIS
Try.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

ASK

“Is everything okay between us?”

SOFTEN

“No pressure at all.”

OWN

“I may be reading too much into this.”

LISTEN

“Please tell me how you see it.”

THANK

“Thanks for telling me.”

CLOSE

“That clears things up.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Notice your worry
DAY 2
Choose a calm time
DAY 3
Start with care
DAY 4
Ask one question
DAY 5
Listen
DAY 6
Accept the answer
DAY 7
Thank them

Further reading

  • Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
  • Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
  • Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

← All How to Deal With Rejection lessons
Next lesson: Notice Your Attachment Patterns →

More lessons in “How to Deal With Rejection”

Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.

← Previous: Do Not Assume the WorstNext: Notice Your Attachment Patterns →

  1. Your Brain Treats Social Pain as Real Pain
  2. Why a Cancelled Plan Feels So Big
  3. The Stories We Tell After a Snub
  4. Rejection Is Usually About Fit, Not Worth
  5. Why It Hurts Even More When You Care
  6. Everyone Has Been Left Out
  7. Rejection Sensitivity: Know Yours
  8. Breathe and Feel It for Five Minutes
  9. Do Not Send the Angry Message
  10. Reach Out to a Safe Person
  11. Do Something Kind for Yourself
  12. Get Moving and Change Your Scene
  13. Write It Down, Then Let It Rest
  14. Remember Who Does Care
  15. When a Friend Cancels Again and Again
  16. When You Are Not Invited
  17. When Someone Ghosts You
  18. When a New Friend Pulls Away
  19. When a Group Shuts You Out
  20. When a Friend Chooses Someone Else
  21. When Your Invitation Is Declined
  22. Separate the Facts From the Fear
  23. Consider Kinder Explanations
  24. Do Not Assume the Worst
  25. Ask Gently Instead of Guessing
  26. Notice Your Attachment Patterns
  27. Stop Reading Too Much Into Texts
  28. Wait a Day Before Deciding What It Means
  29. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
  30. Keep Reaching Out to Others
  31. Do Not Stop Trying After One No
  32. Build a Wider Circle So No One Friend Carries All
  33. Practise Being Rejected in Small Ways
  34. Celebrate Every Brave Invite
  35. Learn From Honest Feedback
  36. Know When to Move On
  37. Let Go With Grace
  38. Stay Kind to People Who Reject You
  39. Rebuild Trust After a Hurt
  40. Your Rejection Recovery Plan
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