Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 21

LESSON 21 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

When Your Invitation Is Declined

Thirty-two easy ways to cope when your invitation is declined, so a no never stops you from asking again.

A declined invite is not a verdict. Keep inviting kindly.

29 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

29 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Declines are normal

Everyone declines invitations for many reasons: tiredness, money, clashes, health. Most are not about you.

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Stay calm.

TIP 2

Breathe first

A slow breath out lets the sting pass. Do not reply in the first minute.

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Breathe.

TIP 3

Reply kindly

Say, no problem at all, thanks for letting me know. A warm reply protects the friendship.

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Be gracious.

TIP 4

Offer another time

Say, maybe another time? Keep the door open.

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Offer.

TIP 5

Ask what would suit them

Say, what would suit you better? Show flexibility.

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Ask.

TIP 6

Do not ask why

Asking why can feel like pressure. Accept the answer.

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Let it be.

TIP 7

Think of kind reasons

They may be ill, busy, shy or broke. List three.

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List them.

TIP 8

Enjoy your plan anyway

Go on your own, invite someone else or enjoy a quiet evening. Make it good.

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Plan B.

TIP 9

Invite someone else

Ask another friend. Your plan can still happen.

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Ask another.

TIP 10

Try different kinds of plans

Some people prefer short or daytime plans. Experiment.

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Vary.

TIP 11

Keep inviting kindly

Do not stop after one no. Space invitations out.

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Persist.

TIP 12

Notice patterns gently

If invites are often declined, have a kind talk later. One no is not a pattern.

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Observe.

TIP 13

Script: accepting

No problem at all, thanks for letting me know. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: offering

Maybe another time? I would love to catch up. Say it lightly.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: asking

What would suit you better, a coffee or a walk? Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: wishing

Have a lovely weekend, talk soon. Say it cheerfully.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

I will ask again soon, thanks for answering. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: pressuring them

Pressure makes people retreat, so accept the answer.

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Let it go.

TIP 19

Mistake: guilt-tripping

Guilt breaks trust, so respond with warmth.

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Be kind.

TIP 20

Mistake: taking it as rejection of you

It is usually about their situation, so keep perspective.

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Reframe.

TIP 21

Mistake: never inviting again

Fear stops friendships, so try again later.

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Persist.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when they decline every time

Share your feelings kindly and ask what would work. Or invest elsewhere.

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Talk or move on.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you feel embarrassed

Remember most people forget quickly. Breathe and carry on.

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Relax.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you invited a group

Some will come, some will not. Enjoy those who do.

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Be glad.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you hear a vague maybe

Say, no worries, let me know. Check back once, then let it go.

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Be easy.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when you worry you are boring

Ask a friend what they enjoy about you and plan activities you love. Be yourself.

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Reframe.

TIP 27

Drill: send three invitations

Send three invitations this month to three people. Expect some noes.

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Invite.

TIP 28

Drill: write a gracious reply

Write a gracious reply to a decline and save it. Use it.

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Write.

TIP 29

Drill: plan a solo treat

Plan a solo treat for when plans fall through. Enjoy it.

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Plan.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

ACCEPT

“No problem at all.”

OFFER

“Maybe another time?”

ASK

“What would suit you better?”

THANK

“Thanks for letting me know.”

WISH

“Have a lovely weekend.”

CLOSE

“I will ask again soon.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Breathe

DAY 2
Reply kindly

DAY 3
Offer another time

DAY 4
Do not take it personally

DAY 5
Plan something anyway

DAY 6
Ask someone else

DAY 7
Try again later

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.