Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 22

LESSON 22 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

Separate the Facts From the Fear

Thirty-two easy ways to separate the facts from the fear, so your mind sees what actually happened.

Facts are calm. Fear is loud.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Fear fills gaps

When we lack information, the mind fills it with worst-case stories. Facts shrink fear.

TRY THIS
Gather facts.

TIP 2

Write what happened

List only what you saw or heard, like a reporter. No adjectives or guesses.

TRY THIS
Be plain.

TIP 3

Write what you fear

List the fear stories separately. Seeing them on paper makes them less strong.

TRY THIS
Write them.

TIP 4

Mark what you know for sure

Underline facts and circle guesses. Most of the page will be circles.

TRY THIS
Mark it.

TIP 5

Check the evidence

For each fear ask what supports it and what contradicts it. Be fair.

TRY THIS
Test it.

TIP 6

Rate your certainty

Give each fear a number from zero to one hundred. Most are far below one hundred.

TRY THIS
Rate it.

TIP 7

Look for other explanations

List three other reasons for what happened. Variety loosens fear.

TRY THIS
List three.

TIP 8

Ask what a friend would say

Imagine a kind friend looking at your page. What do they see?

TRY THIS
Ask.

TIP 9

Ask what is most likely

The best and worst cases are rare. The middle is most likely.

TRY THIS
Think middle.

TIP 10

Ask what you can control

Circle what you can do. Let go of the rest.

TRY THIS
Circle it.

TIP 11

Write a fair thought

Replace the fear with a balanced thought like I do not know yet, and I will be okay.

TRY THIS
Write it.

TIP 12

Act on facts

Choose your next step from facts, not fears. Small steps help.

TRY THIS
Pick one.

TIP 13

Script: facts

What do I actually know here, without the story? Say it calmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: fear

The fear is that they dislike me, but I do not know that. Say it honestly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: evidence

What is the evidence for and against this fear? Say it with curiosity.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: reframe

A fairer view is that they are busy this week. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

It looks smaller on paper than it felt in my head. Say it with relief.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: mixing facts and fears

Mixing keeps you stuck, so separate them.

TRY THIS
Split them.

TIP 19

Mistake: believing fear because it feels strong

Strong feelings are not proof, so check.

TRY THIS
Test it.

TIP 20

Mistake: asking only people who agree

They strengthen fear, so ask a balanced friend.

TRY THIS
Choose wisely.

TIP 21

Mistake: acting before checking

Quick action on fear causes regret, so check first.

TRY THIS
Pause.

TIP 22

Mistake: skipping the writing

Thoughts in the head tangle, so write.

TRY THIS
Use a pen.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when facts are missing

List what you do not know and decide if you can ask kindly. Accept some uncertainty.

TRY THIS
Ask or wait.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when the facts hurt

Be gentle, take breaks and talk to someone. Facts can be faced slowly.

TRY THIS
Pause.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you cannot stop the fear

Ground yourself with five things you see, then return to the page. Calm first.

TRY THIS
Ground.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when fear is old

Notice that old fears resurface. Talk to a counsellor if needed.

TRY THIS
Seek help.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when you are tired

Rest first, because tired minds see more threat. Look again tomorrow.

TRY THIS
Sleep.

TIP 28

Drill: the two-column page

Make facts and fears columns for one situation today. Compare.

TRY THIS
Try.

TIP 29

Drill: certainty rating

Rate a fear from zero to one hundred before and after checking. Notice the drop.

TRY THIS
Rate.

TIP 30

Drill: ask what is most likely

For one fear write best, worst and most likely. Choose the likely one.

TRY THIS
Write.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

FACTS

“What do I actually know?”

FEAR

“What am I afraid of?”

TEST

“What is the evidence?”

REFRAME

“A kinder view is…”

THANK

“Thanks for helping me think.”

CLOSE

“It looks smaller now.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Write the facts

DAY 2
Write the fears

DAY 3
Check the evidence

DAY 4
Look for other views

DAY 5
Ask a friend

DAY 6
Write a fair thought

DAY 7
Act on facts

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.