Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 26

LESSON 26 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

Notice Your Attachment Patterns

Thirty-two easy ways to notice your attachment patterns, so your history does not secretly run your friendships.

Patterns are learned. They can be changed.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Attachment shapes friendship

Psychologists describe patterns like secure, anxious and avoidant, shaped by early experiences. They influence how you react to closeness and distance.

TRY THIS
Learn them.

TIP 2

Secure pattern

Comfortable with closeness and independence. Trusts and communicates calmly.

TRY THIS
Aim for it.

TIP 3

Anxious pattern

Worries about being left, seeks reassurance and reads signs of rejection. Feelings are strong.

TRY THIS
Notice it.

TIP 4

Avoidant pattern

Values independence, pulls away when close and avoids needs. Closeness feels risky.

TRY THIS
Notice it.

TIP 5

Notice your pattern

Think of how you react to slow replies and closeness. Your reactions reveal your style.

TRY THIS
Reflect.

TIP 6

Notice your triggers

List situations that spark worry or withdrawal. Awareness helps.

TRY THIS
List them.

TIP 7

Notice your friends’ patterns

Understanding them reduces blame. Different styles need different kindness.

TRY THIS
Observe.

TIP 8

Calm your body first

Breathe, ground and wait before reacting. Calm brings choice.

TRY THIS
Breathe.

TIP 9

Challenge old stories

Ask whether the old story is true now. Update it.

TRY THIS
Question it.

TIP 10

Communicate your needs

Say what helps, like I like a quick reply or I need some space. Clear needs help.

TRY THIS
Be clear.

TIP 11

Practise secure habits

Be reliable, honest and calm. Secure behaviour builds secure feelings.

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Practise.

TIP 12

Seek support

A therapist can help with deep patterns. Patterns can change.

TRY THIS
Seek help.

TIP 13

Script: noticing

I tend to worry when replies are slow, and that is my pattern. Say it softly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: naming

This is an old pattern talking, not necessarily the truth. Say it calmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: choosing

I will pause and respond with kindness. Say it firmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: asking

Can we talk about how we like to communicate? Say it gently.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for understanding, I am learning and growing. Say it sincerely.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: labelling friends

People are more than labels, so be kind.

TRY THIS
Be fair.

TIP 19

Mistake: blaming your childhood forever

Understanding is for change, so act now.

TRY THIS
Move forward.

TIP 20

Mistake: expecting friends to fix your pattern

You can ask for help but must also grow, so share the work.

TRY THIS
Own it.

TIP 21

Mistake: avoiding all closeness

It deepens loneliness, so take small steps toward people.

TRY THIS
Step closer.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you are anxious and a friend is avoidant

Slow down, give space and communicate calmly. Understand each other’s needs.

TRY THIS
Be patient.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you panic about distance

Self-soothe, call another friend and wait. Panic passes.

TRY THIS
Calm down.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you pull away from closeness

Notice the urge, stay a little longer and share a feeling. Practise tiny steps.

TRY THIS
Stay.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when friends do not understand

Share simply what you are working on and what helps. Kind friends adapt.

TRY THIS
Explain.

TIP 26

Drill: write your pattern

Write three lines about how you react to closeness and distance. Reflect.

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Write.

TIP 27

Drill: practise a calm response

Plan a calm response for your top trigger. Use it once.

TRY THIS
Plan.

TIP 28

Drill: ask for what helps

Tell one friend one thing that helps you feel secure. Listen to theirs.

TRY THIS
Ask.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

NOTICE

“I tend to worry when replies are slow.”

NAME

“This is an old pattern.”

CHOOSE

“I will respond differently.”

ASK

“Can we talk about how we communicate?”

THANK

“Thanks for understanding.”

CLOSE

“I am growing.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Learn the styles

DAY 2
Notice your pattern

DAY 3
Notice triggers

DAY 4
Calm yourself

DAY 5
Communicate needs

DAY 6
Practise new habits

DAY 7
Seek help

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.