Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 02

LESSON 02 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

Why a Cancelled Plan Feels So Big

Thirty-two easy reasons why a cancelled plan feels so big, and how to keep it in proportion.

A cancelled plan can sting. You can soften it.

29 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

29 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Why it feels big

You looked forward to it, made room for it and hoped for closeness. A cancel can feel like a small door closing.

TRY THIS
Be kind to yourself.

TIP 2

Expectation adds weight

The more you hoped, the bigger the drop. Disappointment is the price of looking forward.

TRY THIS
Understand it.

TIP 3

It touches belonging

Plans signal that you matter. A cancel can trigger the fear that you do not.

TRY THIS
Name that fear.

TIP 4

Name the feeling

Say, I feel disappointed. Naming it shrinks it.

TRY THIS
Say it.

TIP 5

Check the facts

The fact is the plan changed. The story that you are unimportant is a guess.

TRY THIS
Separate them.

TIP 6

Think of kinder reasons

They may be ill, tired, stressed or overbooked. List three kind reasons.

TRY THIS
List three.

TIP 7

Reply kindly

Say, no problem, I hope all is well. A kind reply protects the friendship.

TRY THIS
Be gracious.

TIP 8

Offer a new time

Say, shall we try next week? It keeps the bond moving.

TRY THIS
Offer one.

TIP 9

Do something nice instead

Use the free time for a walk, a film or a call. Turn the gap into care.

TRY THIS
Plan a treat.

TIP 10

Notice the pattern

One cancel is normal. A pattern is worth a gentle talk.

TRY THIS
Track it.

TIP 11

Keep perspective

Ask, will this matter in a month? Usually not.

TRY THIS
Zoom out.

TIP 12

Let it go

Do not carry resentment. Release it with a breath.

TRY THIS
Exhale.

TIP 13

Script: replying

No problem at all, I hope everything is okay. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: rescheduling

Shall we try next week instead? Say it lightly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: honest

I was really looking forward to it, so I felt a bit sad. Say it gently.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: self-talk

It is okay to feel disappointed, and it will pass. Say it softly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for letting me know, take care. Say it warmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: replying in anger

Angry replies damage friendships, so wait until you are calm.

TRY THIS
Pause.

TIP 19

Mistake: assuming they do not care

One cancel does not prove that, so avoid mind-reading.

TRY THIS
Stay fair.

TIP 20

Mistake: making them feel guilty

Guilt pushes people away, so respond with warmth.

TRY THIS
Be kind.

TIP 21

Mistake: cancelling in return

Revenge hurts both of you, so keep your promises.

TRY THIS
Stay reliable.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when it keeps happening

Say, I have noticed plans change often, is everything okay? Ask gently.

TRY THIS
Talk kindly.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when it is last minute

Say it is fine, then protect your evening with something you enjoy. Do not waste it.

TRY THIS
Plan B.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you spent money

Ask kindly about fairness if costs were involved, or let it go if small. Decide.

TRY THIS
Be practical.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you feel unimportant

List the friends who do show up. Reach out to one.

TRY THIS
Reconnect.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when it is a big event

Speak honestly about how it affected you. Honest talk repairs.

TRY THIS
Be honest.

TIP 27

Drill: write a kind reply

Write a gracious cancel reply and save it. Use it when needed.

TRY THIS
Write.

TIP 28

Drill: plan a backup

Keep a list of three things to enjoy if plans fall through. Use one.

TRY THIS
List.

TIP 29

Drill: track cancels

Note cancels for a month and see if there is a pattern. Reflect kindly.

TRY THIS
Track.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

NOTICE

“I feel disappointed.”

CHECK

“Maybe something came up.”

REPLY

“No problem, let us find another time.”

PLAN

“Shall we try next week?”

THANK

“Thanks for telling me.”

CLOSE

“I am okay.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Name the feeling

DAY 2
Check the facts

DAY 3
Reply kindly

DAY 4
Offer a new time

DAY 5
Do something nice

DAY 6
Keep perspective

DAY 7
Let it go

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.