Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 03

LESSON 03 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

The Stories We Tell After a Snub

Thirty-two easy ways to handle the stories we tell after a snub, before they grow into something false.

The story is not the fact. Edit it gently.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Stories grow fast

After a snub, the mind adds meanings like nobody likes me. These stories feel true but are usually guesses.

TRY THIS
Notice yours.

TIP 2

Catch the story

Say, I am telling myself a story that… This creates distance.

TRY THIS
Use the phrase.

TIP 3

Separate fact from story

Fact: they did not reply. Story: they hate me. Write them in two columns.

TRY THIS
Make columns.

TIP 4

Look for evidence

Ask what supports and what contradicts the story. Often it is thin.

TRY THIS
Collect evidence.

TIP 5

Spot common distortions

All-or-nothing thinking, mind reading and catastrophising are typical. Naming them shrinks them.

TRY THIS
Name them.

TIP 6

Ask what a friend would say

You are kinder to others than to yourself. Imagine advising a friend.

TRY THIS
Write their advice.

TIP 7

Find a kinder version

Rewrite it into something accurate and gentle, like this hurt, and I can handle it.

TRY THIS
Draft a line.

TIP 8

Check the timeline

Imagine how you will feel in a week or a year. Feelings pass.

TRY THIS
Look ahead.

TIP 9

Calm your body

Breathing and relaxing weaken stories. Exhale slowly.

TRY THIS
Breathe.

TIP 10

Limit rumination

Give the story a short time, then do something else. Habits of attention matter.

TRY THIS
Set a boundary.

TIP 11

Share it out loud

Saying the story to a trusted person shows how unlikely it is. Others see what you cannot.

TRY THIS
Tell a friend.

TIP 12

Take one small action

Action beats rumination. Do one thing that moves you forward.

TRY THIS
Choose a step.

TIP 13

Script: noticing

I am telling myself a story that nobody wants me around. Say it quietly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: checking

What do I actually know, without the interpretation? Say it calmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: reframing

Another way to see this is that they were just busy. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: advising

What would I tell a friend in this situation? Say it with care.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

I will choose a kinder, more accurate story today. Say it firmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: believing every thought

Thoughts are not facts, so question them before acting.

TRY THIS
Question.

TIP 19

Mistake: forcing fake positivity

Fake cheerfulness feels untrue, so aim for accurate and kind.

TRY THIS
Be real.

TIP 20

Mistake: arguing with yourself harshly

Battles add tension, so respond with curiosity instead.

TRY THIS
Soften.

TIP 21

Mistake: asking people who agree with your worst story

They strengthen it, so choose balanced listeners.

TRY THIS
Choose well.

TIP 22

Mistake: acting on the story

Quitting or lashing out because of a story causes harm, so wait.

TRY THIS
Pause.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when the story is old

Long-held stories need time and repeated kind versions. Be patient.

TRY THIS
Repeat.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when it sounds partly true

Take the true seed, make a plan and drop the rest. Learn and move on.

TRY THIS
Extract the lesson.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you spiral at night

Write the thoughts down and promise to look in the morning. Rest first.

TRY THIS
Write then sleep.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when you cannot find a kinder story

Ask a trusted friend or counsellor. Others can see options you cannot.

TRY THIS
Ask.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when you feel stuck

Walk, breathe or change rooms. A change of state shifts thought.

TRY THIS
Move.

TIP 28

Drill: the two-column page

Write story and facts side by side for one recent snub. Compare.

TRY THIS
Do it today.

TIP 29

Drill: the friend test

For three negative thoughts write what a friend would say. Read it aloud.

TRY THIS
Try.

TIP 30

Drill: new line daily

Each morning say one kind, accurate sentence about yourself. Repeat.

TRY THIS
Start now.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

NOTICE

“I am telling myself a story.”

CHECK

“What do I actually know?”

REFRAME

“Another way to see this is…”

ASK

“What would I tell a friend?”

CHOOSE

“I will choose a kinder story.”

CLOSE

“That feels more true.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Catch the story

DAY 2
Write the facts

DAY 3
Challenge it

DAY 4
Find a kinder version

DAY 5
Ask a friend

DAY 6
Test with evidence

DAY 7
Let it rest

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.