Do Not Assume the Worst
Thirty-two easy ways to not assume the worst, a calm habit that saves you from needless pain.
The worst is rarely true. Hold your guesses lightly.
29 tips that really help
These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
The mind leaps
After one small signal, the mind jumps to a disaster story. Noticing the leap helps you stop it.
Notice it.
Name the guess
Say, this is a guess, not a fact. Naming creates space.
Say it.
Ask how likely it is
Rate the chance from zero to one hundred. Most worst cases are small.
Rate it.
Check the facts
List what you know. The list is usually short.
List them.
Think of alternatives
Make a list of other possible explanations. Variety calms.
List three.
Wait before deciding
A day often changes the picture. Do not act in panic.
Wait.
Ask kindly if needed
A calm question can clear fear. Do not accuse.
Ask.
Plan for coping
If the worst happened, what would you do? Knowing you could cope reduces fear.
Plan.
Hold the guess lightly
It might be true, it might not. Stay open.
Stay light.
Breathe and ground
Slow breaths and five things you see calm the body. Calm helps thinking.
Ground.
Move your body
Walk to break the loop. Movement changes the story.
Walk.
Talk to a friend
Say the fear aloud to someone kind. It often shrinks.
Share.
Script: pausing
I do not know yet, so I will not assume. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: checking
What is the evidence for this worry? Say it with curiosity.
Use it.
Script: waiting
Let me wait a day before I decide what this means. Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: asking
Could we talk about what happened? I would like to understand. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thank you for clarifying, that was a relief. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: acting on the worst-case story
Action on fear causes regret, so pause.
Pause.
Mistake: asking everyone for reassurance
Too many opinions confuse, so ask one trusted person.
Limit it.
Mistake: checking messages constantly
It feeds anxiety, so put your phone away.
Step back.
Mistake: ignoring your needs
Tired or hungry minds assume worse, so look after yourself.
Eat and rest.
Troubleshoot: when the worst did happen
Feel it, seek support and take one step at a time. You can cope.
Reach out.
Troubleshoot: when you cannot stop the thoughts
Write them, set a worry time and use grounding. Seek help if constant.
Get support.
Troubleshoot: when someone confirms the fear
Stay calm, listen and decide your next step. You can handle truth.
Stay steady.
Troubleshoot: when fear is about the future
List what you can control. Prepare and let the rest be.
Prepare.
Troubleshoot: when you are alone with it
Call someone, go outside or sit in a public place. Presence helps.
Reach out.
Drill: leap-catching
Notice three leaps to the worst today and name each as a guess. Count.
Try.
Drill: best, worst, likely
For one worry write three outcomes and choose the likely one. Read it.
Write.
Drill: coping plan
Write a one-line coping plan for a worry. Keep it handy.
Write.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I do not know yet.”
“What is the evidence?”
“Let me wait before I decide.”
“Could we talk?”
“Thanks for clarifying.”
“That was a relief.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice the leap
Name the guess
Check the facts
Wait
Ask kindly
Plan for coping
Let go
Further reading
- Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
- Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Deal With Rejection”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Consider Kinder ExplanationsNext: Ask Gently Instead of Guessing →
- Your Brain Treats Social Pain as Real Pain
- Why a Cancelled Plan Feels So Big
- The Stories We Tell After a Snub
- Rejection Is Usually About Fit, Not Worth
- Why It Hurts Even More When You Care
- Everyone Has Been Left Out
- Rejection Sensitivity: Know Yours
- Breathe and Feel It for Five Minutes
- Do Not Send the Angry Message
- Reach Out to a Safe Person
- Do Something Kind for Yourself
- Get Moving and Change Your Scene
- Write It Down, Then Let It Rest
- Remember Who Does Care
- When a Friend Cancels Again and Again
- When You Are Not Invited
- When Someone Ghosts You
- When a New Friend Pulls Away
- When a Group Shuts You Out
- When a Friend Chooses Someone Else
- When Your Invitation Is Declined
- Separate the Facts From the Fear
- Consider Kinder Explanations
- Do Not Assume the Worst
- Ask Gently Instead of Guessing
- Notice Your Attachment Patterns
- Stop Reading Too Much Into Texts
- Wait a Day Before Deciding What It Means
- Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
- Keep Reaching Out to Others
- Do Not Stop Trying After One No
- Build a Wider Circle So No One Friend Carries All
- Practise Being Rejected in Small Ways
- Celebrate Every Brave Invite
- Learn From Honest Feedback
- Know When to Move On
- Let Go With Grace
- Stay Kind to People Who Reject You
- Rebuild Trust After a Hurt
- Your Rejection Recovery Plan
