Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 23

LESSON 23 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

Consider Kinder Explanations

Thirty-two easy ways to consider kinder explanations, a mind habit that protects your peace and your friendships.

Assume good until shown otherwise. Kind guesses are often right.

29 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

29 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Kind guesses protect you

Our minds lean toward negative explanations after a snub. Deliberately choosing kind ones lowers pain and keeps friendships healthy.

TRY THIS
Try it.

TIP 2

Pause before judging

One breath stops the first harsh thought. Wait.

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Breathe.

TIP 3

List three kind reasons

They may be busy, tired or distracted. Write three.

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List them.

TIP 4

Think of your own days

Remember times you were slow to reply for harmless reasons. Others are the same.

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Recall.

TIP 5

Consider their situation

Work, family and health fill lives. Imagine their week.

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Imagine it.

TIP 6

Choose the kindest likely one

Pick the kindest explanation that fits the facts. It is often right.

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Choose.

TIP 7

Assume goodwill

Most people do not mean harm. Start there.

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Trust.

TIP 8

Check kindly if needed

Say, I wondered if all is well, no pressure. A kind check clears doubt.

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Ask once.

TIP 9

Let it go if unclear

You do not need every answer. Peace is enough.

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Release.

TIP 10

Notice your bias

Anxiety predicts rejection. Notice it and soften.

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Observe.

TIP 11

Give people second chances

A single slip does not define a person. Be generous.

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Forgive.

TIP 12

Practise daily

Use kind guesses on small things like a late bus or a slow cashier. Build the habit.

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Practise.

TIP 13

Script: thinking

Maybe they are very busy this week. Say it gently.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: wondering

Perhaps they did not see my message yet. Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: checking

I wondered if everything is okay, no pressure to reply. Say it softly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: choosing

I will choose the kind view for now. Say it firmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

That makes sense, thank you for explaining. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: assuming the worst

The worst is rarely true, so pause.

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Think kindly.

TIP 19

Mistake: excusing real harm

Kind guesses are not denial, so protect yourself when needed.

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Stay wise.

TIP 20

Mistake: never checking

If worry persists, ask kindly, so do not stay silent forever.

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Check.

TIP 21

Mistake: using kindness to avoid your feelings

Feel your feelings too, so be honest.

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Acknowledge.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when evidence says otherwise

Adjust your view and set boundaries kindly. Truth matters.

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Be honest.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you are very anxious

Calm your body first, then list reasons. Breathe.

TRY THIS
Breathe.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when a pattern of unkindness exists

Protect yourself and limit contact. Kind does not mean naive.

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Set boundaries.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when culture shapes interpretation

Learn their norms. Some behaviours mean different things.

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Learn.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when you feel foolish for assuming good

Trust is a strength. Keep it with wisdom.

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Stay open.

TIP 27

Drill: three kind reasons

For one situation write three kind reasons. Pick the likeliest.

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Write.

TIP 28

Drill: practise on small things

Use kind guesses on three small annoyances today. Notice your mood.

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Try.

TIP 29

Drill: list your own harmless slips

List times you were slow or quiet for harmless reasons. Remember them.

TRY THIS
List.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

THINK

“Maybe they are very busy.”

WONDER

“Perhaps they did not see it.”

ASK

“Shall I check in kindly?”

CHOOSE

“I will choose the kind view.”

THANK

“Thanks for explaining.”

CLOSE

“That makes sense.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Pause

DAY 2
List three kind reasons

DAY 3
Choose the kindest likely one

DAY 4
Check kindly if needed

DAY 5
Let go

DAY 6
Practise often

DAY 7
Be kind to yourself

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.