Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 20

LESSON 20 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

When a Friend Chooses Someone Else

Thirty-two easy ways to cope when a friend chooses someone else, and to stay kind without feeling small.

Friends can have many friends. Your place is not taken.

27 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

27 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

It stings

Seeing a friend close to someone else can feel like losing your place. Jealousy is common and human.

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Be gentle.

TIP 2

Name the feeling

Say, I feel jealous and a bit sad. Naming reduces it.

TRY THIS
Name it.

TIP 3

Friendship is not a pie

A friend giving love to others does not take away love for you. Hearts can hold many.

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Remember.

TIP 4

Check the facts

Are you being left out, or are they simply busy with a new person? Think clearly.

TRY THIS
Check.

TIP 5

Think of timing

New friendships take lots of time at first, then settle. Wait.

TRY THIS
Be patient.

TIP 6

Share your wish kindly

Say, I miss our time, can we plan something? Honest and warm.

TRY THIS
Ask.

TIP 7

Offer to include

Say, would you like to bring them along? Kindness opens doors.

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Offer.

TIP 8

Make time for each other

Set a regular coffee or call. Protect your bond.

TRY THIS
Schedule.

TIP 9

Widen your circle

Build your own friendships so no one carries all. Variety is safe.

TRY THIS
Widen.

TIP 10

Process jealousy privately

Write about it or talk to someone else. Do not dump it on the friend.

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Journal.

TIP 11

Use jealousy as information

It shows what you want: closeness. Tell them kindly.

TRY THIS
Learn.

TIP 12

Celebrate their growth

Their new friends may bring them joy. Be glad.

TRY THIS
Be glad.

TIP 13

Script: naming

I feel a bit jealous, and I know it will pass. Say it softly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 14

Script: asking

Can we make time to catch up, just the two of us? Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 15

Script: sharing

I miss our time together. Say it honestly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: including

Would you like to bring your friend along next time? Say it warmly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

I am glad we are friends, and I am happy for you. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: gossiping about the new friend

It makes you look insecure, so stay positive.

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Be fair.

TIP 19

Mistake: sulking and withdrawing

Withdrawal confirms the distance, so stay present.

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Show up.

TIP 20

Troubleshoot: when they spend all their time with them

Share your feelings gently and propose a regular catch-up. Keep a warm tone.

TRY THIS
Speak kindly.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when they exclude you

Ask kindly about it. If it continues, widen your circle and keep your dignity.

TRY THIS
Protect yourself.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when the new person is unkind to you

Stay polite, talk to your friend privately and protect your boundaries. Do not retaliate.

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Stay calm.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you feel replaced

Remember your history and worth. Focus on rebuilding with kindness.

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Reaffirm.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when it triggers old hurt

Talk to a counsellor. Old wounds can hide in new feelings.

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Seek support.

TIP 25

Drill: plan a one-to-one

Plan a one-to-one with the friend this month. Keep it easy.

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Plan.

TIP 26

Drill: write your feelings

Write what you feel and what you want. Share a small part.

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Write.

TIP 27

Drill: invest in another friend

Invest time in another friendship this week. Spread your joy.

TRY THIS
Do it.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

NOTICE

“I feel a little jealous.”

ASK

“Can we make time to catch up?”

SHARE

“I miss our time together.”

ACCEPT

“I am happy you have new friends.”

THANK

“Thanks for hearing me.”

CLOSE

“I am glad we are friends.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Name the feeling

DAY 2
Check the facts

DAY 3
Remember friendship is not a pie

DAY 4
Share your wish

DAY 5
Make time for each other

DAY 6
Widen your circle

DAY 7
Be generous

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.