When a Group Shuts You Out
Thirty-two easy ways to cope when a group shuts you out, and to protect your heart while you find your place.
A closed group is one door. Others are open.
29 tips that really help
These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Some groups are closed
Groups with long histories can be hard to enter. It may be habit rather than cruelty. Still, it hurts.
Be gentle.
Give it a fair try
Attend a few times, smile and speak to individuals. Judge after several visits.
Try three times.
Find individual allies
One friendly person can open a group. Look for the warmest face.
Find one.
Talk one-to-one
Chat with people in pairs. Closeness often starts there.
Talk.
Offer help
Offer to set up or organise. Contributing builds belonging.
Help.
Notice the signs
If people turn away or ignore you after many tries, the group may not be for you.
Observe.
Do not blame yourself
Fit is two-way. A closed group is not a verdict on you.
Reframe.
Look for other groups
Try different clubs, classes or communities. Your people exist.
Search.
Look for open-hearted groups
Choose groups that say newcomers welcome. Look for friendly leaders.
Choose.
Keep your confidence
Remember times you were welcome. List them.
Recall.
Talk to a friend
Share the story and ask for perspective. Support heals.
Share.
Move on with grace
Leave kindly and without drama. You may meet them again.
Leave gracefully.
Script: joining
Hi, mind if I join you for a moment? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
How long have you all known each other? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: accepting
I think this group is not quite right for me, and that is okay. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: planning
I will try a different club that feels more welcoming. Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for letting me try, I wish you well. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: forcing yourself in repeatedly
Pushing can hurt, so try a few times and then decide.
Know when to stop.
Mistake: gossiping about the group
It damages your reputation, so stay classy.
Stay quiet.
Mistake: taking it as proof you are unlikeable
One group is not the world, so keep perspective.
Reframe.
Mistake: giving up on groups completely
Another group could be perfect, so try again.
Keep going.
Troubleshoot: when it is a workplace group
Stay professional, build one-to-one ties and ask your manager for support if needed. Focus on work.
Be professional.
Troubleshoot: when it is a school or club group
Talk to an adult leader if you are being excluded cruelly. You deserve respect.
Get help.
Troubleshoot: when it is an online group
Mute or leave and find friendlier communities. Online spaces are many.
Move on.
Troubleshoot: when you feel lonely
Plan one social activity this week outside the group. Action helps.
Plan.
Troubleshoot: when you feel anger
Write it out, walk, then decide calmly. Anger fades.
Release it.
Drill: try two new groups
Try two different groups this month. Compare how they feel.
Try.
Drill: list your welcoming moments
List three times you were welcomed. Read it when sad.
List.
Drill: write a kind exit line
Write a kind line for leaving a group. Use it if needed.
Write.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Hi, mind if I join?”
“How long have you all known each other?”
“I will find another group.”
“I will try a different club.”
“Thanks for letting me try.”
“It is okay.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Stay calm
Give it a fair try
Find allies
Try other groups
Do not blame yourself
Keep your confidence
Move on
Further reading
- Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
- Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Deal With Rejection”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: When a New Friend Pulls AwayNext: When a Friend Chooses Someone Else →
- Your Brain Treats Social Pain as Real Pain
- Why a Cancelled Plan Feels So Big
- The Stories We Tell After a Snub
- Rejection Is Usually About Fit, Not Worth
- Why It Hurts Even More When You Care
- Everyone Has Been Left Out
- Rejection Sensitivity: Know Yours
- Breathe and Feel It for Five Minutes
- Do Not Send the Angry Message
- Reach Out to a Safe Person
- Do Something Kind for Yourself
- Get Moving and Change Your Scene
- Write It Down, Then Let It Rest
- Remember Who Does Care
- When a Friend Cancels Again and Again
- When You Are Not Invited
- When Someone Ghosts You
- When a New Friend Pulls Away
- When a Group Shuts You Out
- When a Friend Chooses Someone Else
- When Your Invitation Is Declined
- Separate the Facts From the Fear
- Consider Kinder Explanations
- Do Not Assume the Worst
- Ask Gently Instead of Guessing
- Notice Your Attachment Patterns
- Stop Reading Too Much Into Texts
- Wait a Day Before Deciding What It Means
- Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
- Keep Reaching Out to Others
- Do Not Stop Trying After One No
- Build a Wider Circle So No One Friend Carries All
- Practise Being Rejected in Small Ways
- Celebrate Every Brave Invite
- Learn From Honest Feedback
- Know When to Move On
- Let Go With Grace
- Stay Kind to People Who Reject You
- Rebuild Trust After a Hurt
- Your Rejection Recovery Plan
