Making Friends / How to Deal With Rejection / Lesson 09

LESSON 09 · HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION

Do Not Send the Angry Message

Thirty-two easy ways to avoid sending the angry message, so one moment of hurt never costs you a friend.

Hurt writes badly. Wait, then decide.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Hurt writes badly

Messages written in the heat of the moment are often sharp, sarcastic or desperate. They are permanent and easy to forward.

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Do not send yet.

TIP 2

Notice the urge

Name the pull to reply at once, correct or accuse. Naming weakens it.

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Say I want to reply.

TIP 3

Close the app

Put the phone in another room or turn it off for an hour. Distance interrupts impulse.

TRY THIS
Step away.

TIP 4

Write a private draft

Put all your raw feelings in a notes app, not in a chat. Venting there is safe.

TRY THIS
Write it all.

TIP 5

Sleep on it

For serious replies, wait until the next day. Mornings bring calmer views.

TRY THIS
Wait.

TIP 6

Use the 24-hour rule

Wait a full day before replying to anything that stings. Most replies improve or become unnecessary.

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Adopt it.

TIP 7

Ask what you want

Decide the outcome you hope for: repair, clarity or closure. Match your reply to that.

TRY THIS
Name the aim.

TIP 8

Let a friend read it

A trusted friend can spot sharp edges you cannot see. Ask for honest feedback.

TRY THIS
Share the draft.

TIP 9

Edit for tone

Remove sarcasm, blame and capital letters. Keep facts and feelings in I statements.

TRY THIS
Edit.

TIP 10

Shorten it

Short replies are harder to misread. Keep to the essentials.

TRY THIS
Cut half.

TIP 11

Consider not replying

Some messages do not need an answer. Silence can be dignified.

TRY THIS
Ask if it is needed.

TIP 12

Reply with grace

If you reply, thank them and keep the door open. Grace protects the future.

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Be gracious.

TIP 13

Script: delaying

I will take some time to think and reply tomorrow. Say it calmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: drafting

Let me write this down first and read it again. Say it to yourself.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: asking for time

Can we talk tomorrow when I have had time to think? Say it kindly.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 16

Script: intention

I want to answer thoughtfully rather than quickly. Say it honestly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: sending

Thank you for your message and for telling me. Say it gracefully.

TRY THIS
Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: replying while shaking

Your hands and heart are not calm, so wait.

TRY THIS
Pause.

TIP 19

Mistake: copying others into the argument

Public arguments escalate, so keep it private.

TRY THIS
Reply one-to-one.

TIP 20

Mistake: using sarcasm

Sarcasm wounds and rarely persuades, so use plain words.

TRY THIS
Be plain.

TIP 21

Mistake: sending at night

Late-night messages often cause regret, so wait for morning.

TRY THIS
Sleep.

TIP 22

Mistake: accusing them

Blame closes doors, so describe your own feelings.

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Own your feeling.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when they demand an instant answer

Say you need time to respond properly. Reasonable people understand.

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Set a time.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you already sent something harsh

Apologise briefly, clarify and learn. Repair is possible.

TRY THIS
Send a note.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you feel compelled to defend yourself

Write your defence privately and keep it. Often you will not need it.

TRY THIS
Vent on paper.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when emotions are public

Step back from the thread. Silence limits damage.

TRY THIS
Mute notifications.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when you feel misunderstood

Wait, then clarify calmly with one simple message. Calm words travel better.

TRY THIS
Clarify later.

TIP 28

Drill: the draft folder

Create a folder for unsent replies. Review them after a day.

TRY THIS
Start one.

TIP 29

Drill: one-day delay

Practise waiting a day on one tricky message. Notice the relief.

TRY THIS
Try it.

TIP 30

Drill: tone check

Read a reply aloud before sending. Adjust anything harsh.

TRY THIS
Read aloud.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

PAUSE

“I will reply tomorrow.”

DRAFT

“Let me write this privately first.”

ASK

“Can we talk tomorrow?”

CALM

“I need a little time.”

SEND

“Thanks for your message.”

CLOSE

“I am glad I waited.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Notice the urge

DAY 2
Close the app

DAY 3
Write a private draft

DAY 4
Sleep on it

DAY 5
Ask a friend to read it

DAY 6
Edit for tone

DAY 7
Send or skip

Further reading

• Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.