Talk About the Friendship Itself
Thirty-two easy ways to talk about the friendship itself, a brave and loving habit that keeps bonds healthy.
Friendships can be talked about. Do it with warmth.
25 tips that really help
These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why talk about it
Most friends never discuss the friendship itself, and small hurts pile up. A kind check-in keeps it healthy and shows you care.
Try it.
Choose a calm time
Pick a relaxed moment, not during stress. Ask, can we talk about us for a moment?
Ask.
Start with appreciation
Say what you value first. Warmth opens ears.
Appreciate.
Share one wish
Say, I would love a little more time together. One clear wish is enough.
Be clear.
Use I statements
I feel, I would like. Avoid you never.
Use I.
Ask for their view
Say, how do you feel about how we are doing? Their view matters.
Ask.
Listen without defending
Hear them fully. Feedback is a gift.
Listen.
Look for a small step
Agree on one change, like a weekly call. Small steps work.
Agree.
Keep it short
Fifteen minutes is enough. Do not turn it into a trial.
Be brief.
Do it regularly
A yearly friendship check-in keeps things fresh. Make it a habit.
Repeat.
Celebrate what is good
Name what works well. Positive feedback matters.
Celebrate.
Script: opening
Can we talk about us for a moment? It is a good thing. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: appreciation
I really value our friendship, and I wanted to say so. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Script: wish
I would love a little more time together if you are up for it. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: asking
How do you feel about how we are doing lately? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for being open with me, I feel closer now. Say it softly.
Use it.
Mistake: doing it by text
Text hides tone, so call or meet.
Switch.
Troubleshoot: when they feel attacked
Reassure them with care and restate your aim. Pause if needed.
Reassure.
Troubleshoot: when they say all is fine
Accept that and share your gratitude. You can try again later.
Stay open.
Troubleshoot: when it turns tense
Take a break and return when calm. Safety first.
Pause.
Troubleshoot: when you feel awkward
Admit it: this feels a little awkward, but I care. Humour helps.
Be honest.
Troubleshoot: when cultures differ
Use gentler, indirect forms like a walk and a soft question. Respect.
Be sensitive.
Drill: write your appreciation
Write three things you value about a friend and say one. Mean it.
Write.
Drill: plan a check-in
Plan a friendship check-in with a close friend this month. Choose a calm time.
Plan.
Drill: practise your opener
Say your opening line aloud five times. Make it warm.
Practise.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Can we talk about us for a moment?”
“I really value our friendship.”
“How do you feel about how we are doing?”
“I would love a little more time together.”
“Thanks for being open with me.”
“I feel closer now.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Choose a calm time
Start with appreciation
Share one wish
Ask for their view
Listen
Agree on a step
Thank them
Further reading
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Build Stronger Friendships”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Be Their Cheerleader for Big GoalsNext: Forgive and Repair Quickly →
- Trust: The Ground Everything Grows In
- Reliability: Do What You Say
- Honesty With Kindness
- Respect for Differences
- Shared Values and Shared Fun
- Mutual Effort
- Safety to Be Yourself
- Show Up When It Is Inconvenient
- Be Generous With Your Time
- Celebrate Their Success Without Envy
- Keep Their Secrets
- Say Thank You Often
- Give Honest Support, Not Empty Praise
- Be Easy to Be Around
- Share What You Really Feel
- Ask Better Questions About Their Life
- The Thirty-Six Questions That Build Closeness
- Tell Stories That Matter
- Be Vulnerable in Small Doses
- Receive Their Vulnerability Well
- Create Safe Space for Hard Topics
- What to Say to a Friend in Pain
- What Not to Say
- Show Up With Practical Help
- Check In After the Crisis
- Ask for Support Yourself
- Be Patient With Grief and Change
- Celebrate With Them After the Storm
- Plan Regular Fun Together
- Share Inside Jokes and Rituals
- Try New Adventures as Friends
- Take a Trip Together
- Laugh Often, Laugh Together
- Create Traditions
- Let Friends Change and Grow
- Be Their Cheerleader for Big Goals
- Talk About the Friendship Itself
- Forgive and Repair Quickly
- Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs
- Your Friendship Deepening Plan
