Forgive and Repair Quickly
Thirty-two easy ways to forgive and repair quickly, so small hurts never grow into big walls.
Repair is a skill. Do it soon.
27 tips that really help
These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Every friendship has hurts
Even the best friends sometimes hurt each other. What matters is how quickly and kindly you repair.
Repair soon.
Calm down first
Take a breath or a short walk. Repair needs a calm heart.
Breathe.
Choose the right time
Do not wait too long. Aim for within a day or two.
Act soon.
Say sorry sincerely
Say, I am sorry for what I said. No but, no excuses.
Be sincere.
Listen to their side
Ask, how did it feel for you? Listen without defending.
Listen.
Take responsibility
Own your part, big or small. It opens the door.
Own it.
Ask how to make it right
Ask, what would help? Offer a clear fix.
Ask.
Change the behaviour
Show your sorry with action over time. Trust returns.
Change.
Forgive generously
Let go of resentment and say, I forgive you. Forgiveness frees you.
Forgive.
Do not bring it up again
Once repaired, do not use it as a weapon. Let it go.
Let go.
Celebrate the repair
Mark it with a hug, a tea or a laugh. Repair deepens friendship.
Celebrate.
Script: sorry
I am sorry for what I said, I did not mean to hurt you. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Script: asking
Can we talk about what happened between us? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: listening
Tell me how it felt, I really want to understand. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: forgiving
I forgive you, and I am glad we talked. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Let us move forward together. Say it softly.
Use it.
Mistake: saying sorry but
But cancels sorry, so leave it out.
Skip but.
Mistake: waiting weeks
Waiting hardens hearts, so reach out soon.
Act.
Mistake: demanding forgiveness
Forgiveness cannot be forced, so give time.
Be patient.
Mistake: bringing up old hurts
Old hurts overload, so stay on one issue.
Focus.
Troubleshoot: when they will not talk
Send a short, caring message and give time. Leave the door open.
Be patient.
Troubleshoot: when you were wronged
Share your feelings calmly and listen to their view. Seek an apology.
Speak calmly.
Troubleshoot: when the hurt is deep
Take time, perhaps with a counsellor or mediator. Healing takes time.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when you cannot forgive yet
Be honest and kind. Say, I need time. Work on it gently.
Be honest.
Drill: write an apology
Write a sincere apology for a past hurt. Send or save it.
Write.
Drill: practise sorry without but
Say three apologies without the word but. Notice how they feel.
Practise.
Drill: plan a repair talk
Plan a calm repair talk with someone you hurt. Choose a time.
Plan.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I am sorry for what I said.”
“Can we talk about what happened?”
“Tell me how it felt.”
“How can I make it right?”
“I forgive you.”
“Let us move forward.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Calm down
Say sorry sincerely
Listen to their side
Take responsibility
Make it right
Forgive
Move on
Further reading
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Build Stronger Friendships”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Talk About the Friendship ItselfNext: Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs →
- Trust: The Ground Everything Grows In
- Reliability: Do What You Say
- Honesty With Kindness
- Respect for Differences
- Shared Values and Shared Fun
- Mutual Effort
- Safety to Be Yourself
- Show Up When It Is Inconvenient
- Be Generous With Your Time
- Celebrate Their Success Without Envy
- Keep Their Secrets
- Say Thank You Often
- Give Honest Support, Not Empty Praise
- Be Easy to Be Around
- Share What You Really Feel
- Ask Better Questions About Their Life
- The Thirty-Six Questions That Build Closeness
- Tell Stories That Matter
- Be Vulnerable in Small Doses
- Receive Their Vulnerability Well
- Create Safe Space for Hard Topics
- What to Say to a Friend in Pain
- What Not to Say
- Show Up With Practical Help
- Check In After the Crisis
- Ask for Support Yourself
- Be Patient With Grief and Change
- Celebrate With Them After the Storm
- Plan Regular Fun Together
- Share Inside Jokes and Rituals
- Try New Adventures as Friends
- Take a Trip Together
- Laugh Often, Laugh Together
- Create Traditions
- Let Friends Change and Grow
- Be Their Cheerleader for Big Goals
- Talk About the Friendship Itself
- Forgive and Repair Quickly
- Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs
- Your Friendship Deepening Plan
