Ask Better Questions About Their Life
Thirty-two easy ways to ask better questions about their life, so friends feel truly interesting and seen.
Good questions are gifts. Ask with warm curiosity.
29 tips that really help
These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Questions deepen friendship
When you ask real questions, friends feel valued. Curiosity says you matter.
Ask.
Use open questions
Questions starting with what, how or tell me about invite stories.
Try them.
Ask about the best part
What has been the best part of your week? Positive questions lift mood.
Ask it.
Ask about challenges
What has been tough lately? Ask gently and listen.
Ask kindly.
Ask about feelings
How did that feel? Feelings matter more than facts.
Ask.
Ask about dreams
What are you looking forward to? Dreams give energy.
Ask.
Ask about history
Where did you grow up? What was your first job? Stories build closeness.
Ask.
Ask about values
What matters most to you? Values show who they are.
Ask.
Follow up on earlier answers
Remember details and ask how it went. Memory shows care.
Recall.
Say tell me more
Three words that invite depth. Use them often.
Use them.
Give silence room
Wait after asking. People need time to think.
Wait.
Share your own answers
Balance questions with sharing. Friendship is two-way.
Share too.
Script: week
What has been the best part of your week so far? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: more
Tell me more about that, I would love to hear. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: feelings
How did that feel for you? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: dreams
What are you looking forward to this year? Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: closing
I love hearing your stories, thank you for sharing. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: asking yes or no questions only
They end chat fast, so use open questions.
Open up.
Mistake: firing too many questions
It feels like an interview, so share too.
Balance.
Mistake: not listening to answers
Questions without listening feel false, so pay attention.
Listen.
Mistake: judging answers
Judging closes hearts, so respond with interest.
Be open.
Troubleshoot: when they answer briefly
Try a different topic or ask about something they love. Warm up slowly.
Be patient.
Troubleshoot: when they avoid a topic
Respect it and change the subject. Trust grows.
Respect.
Troubleshoot: when you run out of questions
Keep a list in your notes. Use it.
Make a list.
Troubleshoot: when you feel shy
Start with easy questions about food or weekend. Build up.
Start easy.
Troubleshoot: when culture limits questions
Learn what topics are polite and ask accordingly. Be respectful.
Learn.
Drill: ask three open questions
Ask a friend three open questions this week. Listen.
Do it.
Drill: write twenty questions
Write twenty questions you could ask a friend. Use one weekly.
Write.
Drill: follow up on one answer
Next time follow up on something they told you before. Notice the smile.
Try.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“What has been the best part of your week?”
“Tell me more about that.”
“How did that feel?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“Thanks for sharing.”
“I love hearing your stories.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Be curious
Ask open questions
Follow up
Remember details
Ask about feelings
Ask about dreams
Listen well
Further reading
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Build Stronger Friendships”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Share What You Really FeelNext: The Thirty-Six Questions That Build Closeness →
- Trust: The Ground Everything Grows In
- Reliability: Do What You Say
- Honesty With Kindness
- Respect for Differences
- Shared Values and Shared Fun
- Mutual Effort
- Safety to Be Yourself
- Show Up When It Is Inconvenient
- Be Generous With Your Time
- Celebrate Their Success Without Envy
- Keep Their Secrets
- Say Thank You Often
- Give Honest Support, Not Empty Praise
- Be Easy to Be Around
- Share What You Really Feel
- Ask Better Questions About Their Life
- The Thirty-Six Questions That Build Closeness
- Tell Stories That Matter
- Be Vulnerable in Small Doses
- Receive Their Vulnerability Well
- Create Safe Space for Hard Topics
- What to Say to a Friend in Pain
- What Not to Say
- Show Up With Practical Help
- Check In After the Crisis
- Ask for Support Yourself
- Be Patient With Grief and Change
- Celebrate With Them After the Storm
- Plan Regular Fun Together
- Share Inside Jokes and Rituals
- Try New Adventures as Friends
- Take a Trip Together
- Laugh Often, Laugh Together
- Create Traditions
- Let Friends Change and Grow
- Be Their Cheerleader for Big Goals
- Talk About the Friendship Itself
- Forgive and Repair Quickly
- Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs
- Your Friendship Deepening Plan
