Keep Their Secrets
Thirty-two easy ways to keep their secrets, the quiet loyalty that builds deep trust.
A secret is a gift. Guard it well.
28 tips that really help
These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Secrets show trust
When a friend shares something private, they hand you a piece of themselves. Guarding it builds closeness.
Protect it.
Ask if it is private
Say, do you want this kept private? Clear is kind.
Ask.
Promise only when you can
If you cannot keep a secret, say so first. Honesty before the secret.
Be honest.
Never repeat it
Do not share, even with people you trust. Secrets travel.
Hold it.
Do not hint
Avoid half-hints that point to the secret. Hints break it too.
Stay silent.
Avoid gossip
Friends who gossip lose trust. Change the topic gently.
Redirect.
Protect them in public
If someone asks about them, say, I would rather let them tell you. Kind and firm.
Deflect.
Be careful online
Do not post or message secrets in group chats. Digital words last.
Be careful.
Do not use it in arguments
Using a secret as a weapon is a deep betrayal. Never.
Avoid.
Know the limits
If someone may be in danger, you may need to get help. Safety first.
Use judgement.
Respect timing
Let them tell others when they are ready. Do not rush.
Be patient.
Thank them for trusting you
Say, thank you for trusting me. It makes them feel safe.
Thank.
Script: promising
Your secret is safe with me, I promise. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
Would you like this kept private? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: declining gossip
I would rather not talk about other people. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: deflecting
I think she would like to tell you herself. Say it politely.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thank you for trusting me, it stays between us. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: sharing it as a joke
Even a light slip can hurt, so hold it.
Be careful.
Mistake: promising to keep dangerous secrets
Safety matters more, so be honest about limits.
Say so.
Mistake: bragging that you know something
It hints and hurts, so stay quiet.
Stay silent.
Troubleshoot: when someone pressures you to tell
Say, I do not share what is told to me in confidence. Calm and firm.
Be firm.
Troubleshoot: when you slipped
Tell them honestly, apologise and help limit harm. Repair matters.
Own it.
Troubleshoot: when it feels heavy to carry
Talk to a counsellor, without names, or take a walk. Do not burden others.
Get support.
Troubleshoot: when the secret is about someone at risk
Encourage them to seek help, or seek help yourself if needed. Safety first.
Act.
Troubleshoot: when a group chat is gossiping
Say, I will sit this one out, and change the topic. Be gentle.
Opt out.
Drill: practise your promise line
Practise saying your secret-keeping line aloud. Make it steady.
Practise.
Drill: avoid gossip for a day
Spend a whole day without speaking about anyone absent. Notice.
Try.
Drill: write your rules
Write your rules for secrets and limits. Follow them.
Write.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Your secret is safe with me.”
“Is this private?”
“I would rather not hear gossip.”
“Who knows about this?”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
“It stays between us.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Ask if it is private
Promise only when you can
Never repeat it
Do not hint
Avoid gossip
Protect them in public
Know the limits
Further reading
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
