Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs
Thirty-two easy ways to keep learning what your friend needs, because needs change and caring means paying attention.
Needs change. Ask, notice and adapt.
26 tips that really help
These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Needs shift over time
A friend’s needs change with seasons of life: stress, joy, illness, work. Ongoing curiosity keeps you helpful.
Stay curious.
Ask regularly
Say, what do you need most right now? Simple and kind.
Ask.
Notice changes
Look for changes in mood, energy and habits. Notice gently.
Observe.
Listen to what they say
Hear their words and what is behind them. Listen for needs.
Listen.
Learn their language of care
Some feel loved through words, some through time, some through help. Learn theirs.
Learn.
Ask what is helpful and unhelpful
Say, what helps and what does not? People appreciate the question.
Ask.
Adjust your approach
Change how you help as needs change. Flexibility shows love.
Adapt.
Remember patterns
Note what helps in stress or joy. Memory is care.
Note it.
Check assumptions
Do not assume. Check with them kindly.
Check.
Respect privacy
Some needs are private. Offer, do not pry.
Respect.
Give them space to answer
Wait. People need time to reply honestly.
Wait.
Review together
Once a year ask, how can I be a better friend? Open and kind.
Ask yearly.
Script: asking
What do you need most right now? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: noticing
You seem tired lately, is there anything I can do? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: adapting
Let me change how I help, tell me what works. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: yearly
How can I be a better friend to you this year? Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for telling me, I will keep learning. Say it softly.
Use it.
Mistake: taking offence if they need space
Space is not rejection, so stay kind.
Stay calm.
Troubleshoot: when they say I am fine
Offer a gentle door: I am here whenever you want. Check in again.
Stay open.
Troubleshoot: when they do not know what they need
Offer options: company, quiet, help. Let them pick.
Offer choices.
Troubleshoot: when your help is refused
Respect and keep the offer open. Try again later.
Be patient.
Troubleshoot: when needs conflict with yours
Be honest about your limits and find a middle. Care for both.
Negotiate.
Troubleshoot: when culture shapes needs
Learn their norms about help and privacy. Respect.
Learn.
Drill: ask what they need
Ask one friend what they need this month. Listen.
Ask.
Drill: write a needs note
Note what each close friend appreciates. Review.
Write.
Drill: change one way you help
Change one way you help a friend based on what you learned. Try.
Adapt.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“What do you need most right now?”
“You seem tired lately.”
“Let me change how I help.”
“Tell me what works for you.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“I will keep learning.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Ask regularly
Notice changes
Listen carefully
Adjust your help
Learn their language of care
Remember patterns
Review
Further reading
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Build Stronger Friendships”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Forgive and Repair QuicklyNext: Your Friendship Deepening Plan →
- Trust: The Ground Everything Grows In
- Reliability: Do What You Say
- Honesty With Kindness
- Respect for Differences
- Shared Values and Shared Fun
- Mutual Effort
- Safety to Be Yourself
- Show Up When It Is Inconvenient
- Be Generous With Your Time
- Celebrate Their Success Without Envy
- Keep Their Secrets
- Say Thank You Often
- Give Honest Support, Not Empty Praise
- Be Easy to Be Around
- Share What You Really Feel
- Ask Better Questions About Their Life
- The Thirty-Six Questions That Build Closeness
- Tell Stories That Matter
- Be Vulnerable in Small Doses
- Receive Their Vulnerability Well
- Create Safe Space for Hard Topics
- What to Say to a Friend in Pain
- What Not to Say
- Show Up With Practical Help
- Check In After the Crisis
- Ask for Support Yourself
- Be Patient With Grief and Change
- Celebrate With Them After the Storm
- Plan Regular Fun Together
- Share Inside Jokes and Rituals
- Try New Adventures as Friends
- Take a Trip Together
- Laugh Often, Laugh Together
- Create Traditions
- Let Friends Change and Grow
- Be Their Cheerleader for Big Goals
- Talk About the Friendship Itself
- Forgive and Repair Quickly
- Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs
- Your Friendship Deepening Plan
