Making Friends / How to Build Stronger Friendships / Lesson 22

LESSON 22 · HOW TO BUILD STRONGER FRIENDSHIPS

What to Say to a Friend in Pain

Thirty-two easy ideas on what to say to a friend in pain, simple words that comfort without making things worse.

You do not need perfect words. Kind, simple words are enough.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Simple words work

People in pain rarely remember exact words, but they remember who was kind. Short, warm lines are best.

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Keep it simple.

TIP 2

Say I am so sorry

Acknowledge their pain. It is gentle and true.

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Say it.

TIP 3

Say I am here

Presence matters. Tell them they are not alone.

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Say it.

TIP 4

Validate their feelings

Say, it makes sense to feel this way. Feelings are not wrong.

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Validate.

TIP 5

Ask what helps

Say, do you want to talk or sit quietly? Let them choose.

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Ask.

TIP 6

Offer specific help

I can bring dinner tonight, or take you to the appointment. Specific beats vague.

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Be specific.

TIP 7

Use their name

Say their name softly. It feels personal.

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Use it.

TIP 8

Share a memory

If it is a loss, share a good memory of the person. Memories comfort.

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Share one.

TIP 9

Allow silence

Sit with them. Silence can be a comfort.

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Stay.

TIP 10

Use touch if welcome

A hug or a hand on the shoulder can comfort. Ask first.

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Ask.

TIP 11

Follow up

Send a message a few days later. Pain lasts longer than the first week.

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Check in.

TIP 12

Script: sorry

I am so sorry you are going through this. Say it softly.

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Use it.

TIP 13

Script: presence

I am here with you, whatever you need. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: asking

Would you like to talk, or would you like me to just sit with you? Say it gently.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: practical

I can bring dinner tonight, would that help? Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: closing

I am thinking of you and I am here. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Mistake: saying everything happens for a reason

It can feel dismissive, so acknowledge pain instead.

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Validate.

TIP 18

Mistake: saying at least

Phrases like at least minimise pain, so avoid them.

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Skip them.

TIP 19

Mistake: giving advice too soon

Listen first, so offer advice only if asked.

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Listen.

TIP 20

Mistake: making it about you

Keep the focus on them, so share little.

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Focus.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when you freeze

Say, I do not know what to say, but I am here. It is enough.

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Be honest.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when they do not want to talk

Say, I am here when you want. Send a light message later.

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Respect.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when it is a text

Write a short, warm message and offer to call. Keep it simple.

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Keep it short.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when culture shapes grief

Ask about customs and follow their lead. Respect matters.

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Ask.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when pain is very heavy

Encourage professional help gently and stay close. You are not alone.

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Suggest help.

TIP 26

Drill: write a comfort message

Write a short comfort message you could send. Save it.

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Write.

TIP 27

Drill: practise I am here

Practise saying I am here with a calm voice. Use it.

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Practise.

TIP 28

Drill: list practical offers

List five specific ways to help a friend in pain. Offer one.

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List.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

COMFORT

“I am so sorry you are going through this.”

PRESENCE

“I am here with you.”

ASK

“Do you want to talk or sit quietly?”

OFFER

“I can bring dinner tonight.”

VALIDATE

“It makes sense to feel this way.”

CLOSE

“I am thinking of you.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Say you are sorry

DAY 2
Say you are here

DAY 3
Validate feelings

DAY 4
Ask what helps

DAY 5
Offer practical help

DAY 6
Stay quiet if needed

DAY 7
Check in later

Further reading

• Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
• The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.