Check In After the Crisis
Thirty-two easy ways to check in after the crisis, because the need for care lasts longer than the first week.
The hard part often comes later. Check in when others have moved on.
27 tips that really help
These ideas come from Daring Greatly (Brené Brown), The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Care should outlast the crisis
After the first days, others return to normal life, but the person is often still hurting. Late care means a lot.
Stay close.
Set reminders
Add calendar alerts for check-ins at one week, one month and three months. Memory fades.
Set them.
Check in at one week
Send a short message: how are you doing today? Simple and warm.
Send.
Check in at one month
Say, I was thinking of you. A gentle reminder that you care.
Send.
Check in at three months
Long after, a message surprises and comforts. Most people stop.
Send.
Keep it light
No need for long talks. A heart or a short note is fine.
Keep it short.
Ask what helps now
Needs change. Ask, what would help now?
Ask.
Mark hard dates
Anniversaries and birthdays can be hard. Send a note.
Mark them.
Celebrate small progress
Notice better days. Say, it is lovely to hear you laugh.
Notice.
Listen if they want to talk
Let them lead. Be ready to listen again and again.
Listen.
Respect their pace
Some want space and some want company. Follow them.
Be patient.
Look after yourself
Care takes energy. Rest and share the load.
Self-care.
Script: checking
How are you doing today? I have been thinking of you. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: month
It has been a month, and I wanted you to know I am still here. Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: offering
Would you like to go for a walk this weekend? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What would help most right now? Say it softly.
Use it.
Script: closing
I am still here, whenever you need me. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: pushing them to move on
Healing has its pace, so be patient.
Be kind.
Mistake: making every talk about the loss
Mix in normal life and fun. Balance helps.
Add normal.
Troubleshoot: when they do not reply
Send short notes without needing replies. They will know you care.
Keep sending.
Troubleshoot: when you live far away
Send voice notes, cards and small gifts. Plan a visit.
Reach out.
Troubleshoot: when you run out of words
A heart, a photo or a song. Simple works.
Keep it simple.
Troubleshoot: when you feel drained
Share the load with others and rest. You matter too.
Rest.
Troubleshoot: when they seem worse
Encourage professional help gently and stay near. Safety first.
Suggest help.
Drill: set three check-in dates
Set reminders for check-ins on three dates for a friend in need. Do the first.
Set.
Drill: write a light note
Write a short check-in note and save it. Use it.
Write.
Drill: send a no-reply-needed message
Send one message that says no need to reply. Notice relief.
Send.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“How are you doing today?”
“I was thinking about you this week.”
“Can I take you for a walk?”
“What would help now?”
“Thanks for letting me in.”
“I am still here.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Set reminders
Check in at one week
Check in at one month
Keep it light
Offer practical help
Mark hard dates
Keep going
Further reading
- Daring Greatly (Brené Brown)
- The Good Life (Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Build Stronger Friendships”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Show Up With Practical HelpNext: Ask for Support Yourself →
- Trust: The Ground Everything Grows In
- Reliability: Do What You Say
- Honesty With Kindness
- Respect for Differences
- Shared Values and Shared Fun
- Mutual Effort
- Safety to Be Yourself
- Show Up When It Is Inconvenient
- Be Generous With Your Time
- Celebrate Their Success Without Envy
- Keep Their Secrets
- Say Thank You Often
- Give Honest Support, Not Empty Praise
- Be Easy to Be Around
- Share What You Really Feel
- Ask Better Questions About Their Life
- The Thirty-Six Questions That Build Closeness
- Tell Stories That Matter
- Be Vulnerable in Small Doses
- Receive Their Vulnerability Well
- Create Safe Space for Hard Topics
- What to Say to a Friend in Pain
- What Not to Say
- Show Up With Practical Help
- Check In After the Crisis
- Ask for Support Yourself
- Be Patient With Grief and Change
- Celebrate With Them After the Storm
- Plan Regular Fun Together
- Share Inside Jokes and Rituals
- Try New Adventures as Friends
- Take a Trip Together
- Laugh Often, Laugh Together
- Create Traditions
- Let Friends Change and Grow
- Be Their Cheerleader for Big Goals
- Talk About the Friendship Itself
- Forgive and Repair Quickly
- Keep Learning What Your Friend Needs
- Your Friendship Deepening Plan
