Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 21

LESSON 21 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

Never Keep Score Aggressively

Thirty-two easy ways to never keep score aggressively, so generosity feels good and friendship stays light.

Friendship is not a ledger. Give freely, and notice balance gently.

29 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

29 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Counting poisons friendship

Keeping a mental ledger of who called last or who paid brings resentment. Friendship thrives on warmth, not tallies.

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Let it go.

TIP 2

Give freely when you can

Generosity feels good and builds trust. Give without expecting a perfect return.

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Give.

TIP 3

Notice big, long-term imbalances

It is fine to notice if you always start and carry things. Notice with care, not anger.

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Notice calmly.

TIP 4

Notice your feelings first

Ask whether you feel tired, hurt or taken for granted. Feelings guide action.

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Check inside.

TIP 5

Talk kindly

Say, I would love it if you suggested plans sometimes. Speak with warmth.

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Use I.

TIP 6

Forgive small slips

One late reply or forgotten message is human. Let small things pass.

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Forgive.

TIP 7

Allow different styles

Some friends give in other ways: advice, humour or help. Notice all gifts.

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Look wider.

TIP 8

Share leading

Take turns in starting plans. Fairness feels good.

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Share it.

TIP 9

Say thank you often

Thanks keeps balance warm. Appreciate what they give.

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Thank.

TIP 10

Check your own giving

Are you generous with time and kindness? Check yourself first.

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Reflect.

TIP 11

Let friendships ebb and flow

Over years, who gives more changes. It evens out.

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Trust time.

TIP 12

Step back if needed

If the balance stays unfair, give less without drama. Protect your energy.

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Adjust.

TIP 13

Script: giving

I am happy to start the plans this time. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: noticing

It would be lovely to feel a little more balance between us. Say it gently.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: asking

Could you suggest a plan next time? I would love that. Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: thanking

Thanks for taking the lead this time, I appreciated it. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

I enjoy giving, and I enjoy you. Say it with a smile.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: bringing up old debts

Old tallies reopen wounds, so focus on now.

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Let go.

TIP 19

Mistake: expecting identical effort

Effort looks different for each person, so be fair.

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Be fair.

TIP 20

Mistake: giving to get

Gifts with strings feel heavy, so give freely or not at all.

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Be sincere.

TIP 21

Mistake: comparing friends

Each friendship is unique, so avoid comparing.

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Stay personal.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you always reach out first

Say so kindly and test a pause. See who steps in.

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Test it.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you feel used

Set clear limits and reduce giving. Self-respect matters.

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Set limits.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when a friend is in need

Give generously now. Balance can come later.

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Help.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you feel resentful

Name it, talk it out and decide what you can give happily. Honesty heals.

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Be honest.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when they never offer

Notice if they show care in other ways. If not, adjust your investment.

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Weigh it.

TIP 27

Drill: write a gratitude list

List five things each close friend gives you. Thank one.

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List.

TIP 28

Drill: take a turn

Ask a friend to plan the next meeting. Accept happily.

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Try it.

TIP 29

Drill: spot the scorekeeping thought

Notice when you count, write it down and let it go. Practise.

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Notice.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

GIVE

“I am happy to start the plans.”

NOTICE

“It would be nice to feel more balance.”

ASK

“Could you suggest a plan next time?”

THANK

“Thanks for taking the lead this time.”

FORGIVE

“It is fine, life gets busy.”

CLOSE

“I enjoy giving.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Give without counting

DAY 2
Notice big imbalances

DAY 3
Talk kindly

DAY 4
Forgive small things

DAY 5
Share leading

DAY 6
Check yourself

DAY 7
Enjoy

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.